Hey, right now I don't know if anyone's going to read this or if I'm using the site correct. I can't even focus on eating for a couple of days. My school has started and usually I'm always anxious when the school starts. But this time it's even worse. Even though this is my second year in the university and I'm familiar with the environment I feel much worse than the last year. A couple of days ago my sister broke my laptop and I couldn't say anything because I didn't want her to get sad and usually if I react to anything in the house everyone starts shouting at me and it breaks my heart. But even if I tried to act cool I felt really bad and I felt like I can't trust anyone because they hurt me so much. And I don't want to get hurt anymore, I really can't stand it, I start crying even when I'm thinking about it. I also cried after my laptop broke, I thought no one noticed but then they told me that I'm making a big deal and I shouldn't cry. Then I gave my laptop to a technical service. They fixed it in a way but it's still not working properly and I want a proper laptop, I want everything to be perfect and ordered but with this laptop I can't even bear to look at it because it was so perfect before and now it is broken, I start crying heavily when I'm using my laptop, I feel dizzy, i wanna throw up and I can't even breathe sometimes. Technical service wanted too much money from me and now my laptop isn't guaranteed. I want to buy a new laptop but I don't want to see how my parents will react because it's too painful for me. I mean I know I sound like a crybaby who is obsessed with her laptop but it was one of the few things going right since last three years. And now it's gone and I feel like I've lost everything. I don't have any friends left because I felt like they've been hurting me too and now my family is also gone. I don't know what to do. It seems like everyone thinks I'm an ugly person who doesn't worth a thing and I don't want anyone to come closer to me because they pity me and it doesn't matter because everyone hurts me in the end. I don't think even if I buy a new laptop I would feel okay because I'm afraid that my father would be dissappointed because I always want to spend money. Right now I can't bear with the feelings so I'm afraid of even leaving my room. (I'm living in the dorms right now) When these kind of things first started about 3 years ago I was so afraid of hurting others that I was crying nonstop I wasn't sleeping and I wasn't able to leave the house. It was terrible and I asked my parents to take me to the hospital but they told me that I lack religion and instead of crying I should pray and everything would pass. Of course it didn't help but I was afraid that they would get angry I pretented everything was alright. But I kept fighting with horrible thoughts since then, I never went to counselling myself and I can't go anymore because I don't have any cofidence left. I was always shy and I didn't have much confidence in myself since I was little because my friends didn't like me and they always bullied me so I never regained my confidence. And right now I'm shaking and crying while I'm writing this I don't know what to do. I feel like my laptop was the last drop and I can't control my body right now. I just want everything to end. It is too painful for me. I just want to dissappear or die. I don't want to live this life anymore.
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