I feel like I'm stuck here

Hey, right now I don't know if anyone's going to read this or if I'm using the site correct. I can't even focus on eating for a couple of days. My school has started and usually I'm always anxious when the school starts. But this time it's even worse. Even though this is my second year in the university and I'm familiar with the environment I feel much worse than the last year. A couple of days ago my sister broke my laptop and I couldn't say anything because I didn't want her to get sad and usually if I react to anything in the house everyone starts shouting at me and it breaks my heart. But even if I tried to act cool I felt really bad and I felt like I can't trust anyone because they hurt me so much. And I don't want to get hurt anymore, I really can't stand it, I start crying even when I'm thinking about it. I also cried after my laptop broke, I thought no one noticed but then they told me that I'm making a big deal and I shouldn't cry. Then I gave my laptop to a technical service. They fixed it in a way but it's still not working properly and I want a proper laptop, I want everything to be perfect and ordered but with this laptop I can't even bear to look at it because it was so perfect before and now it is broken, I start crying heavily when I'm using my laptop, I feel dizzy, i wanna throw up and I can't even breathe sometimes. Technical service wanted too much money from me and now my laptop isn't guaranteed. I want to buy a new laptop but I don't want to see how my parents will react because it's too painful for me. I mean I know I sound like a crybaby who is obsessed with her laptop but it was one of the few things going right since last three years. And now it's gone and I feel like I've lost everything. I don't have any friends left because I felt like they've been hurting me too and now my family is also gone. I don't know what to do. It seems like everyone thinks I'm an ugly person who doesn't worth a thing and I don't want anyone to come closer to me because they pity me and it doesn't matter because everyone hurts me in the end. I don't think even if I buy a new laptop I would feel okay because I'm afraid that my father would be dissappointed because I always want to spend money. Right now I can't bear with the feelings so I'm afraid of even leaving my room. (I'm living in the dorms right now) When these kind of things first started about 3 years ago I was so afraid of hurting others that I was crying nonstop I wasn't sleeping and I wasn't able to leave the house. It was terrible and I asked my parents to take me to the hospital but they told me that I lack religion and instead of crying I should pray and everything would pass. Of course it didn't help but I was afraid that they would get angry I pretented everything was alright. But I kept fighting with horrible thoughts since then, I never went to counselling myself and I can't go anymore because I don't have any cofidence left. I was always shy and I didn't have much confidence in myself since I was little because my friends didn't like me and they always bullied me so I never regained my confidence. And right now I'm shaking and crying while I'm writing this I don't know what to do. I feel like my laptop was the last drop and I can't control my body right now. I just want everything to end. It is too painful for me. I just want to dissappear or die. I don't want to live this life anymore.

4 Replies

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  • Hi,

    I'm Lilly. Yes you are using this site corectly, so hopefully people will be reading your post and replying to you.

    I can completely understand that your upset with you laptop being broken, espically since being at university, its probably one of the first things you purchase... when you can afford one! It is also the hassel of getting it fixed and being able to afford to get it fixed whilst being a student, or asking someone else to help you pay for it. I'm doing a counselling course at the moment and i think if my laptop got broken i'd be upset too I write al my essay on there etc. I dont think you a cry baby at all it just sounds like your going through a tough time.

    I think starting a new year of university is still quite a stressful thing, and if you know your going to find it stresssful and makes you anxious then you can deal with it.

    Also the second year is not as easy as the first (work wise) and you do have to knucle down and work a lot harder! I think as long as you reconise that you are anxious and you look after you self and reward your self when you have got through a rough day then that good. Never dwell on the fact that your anxious, its just feeds it and make it worse :).

    Reading throught your message I dont think its is just about your laptop thats upset you I think its just one of the reason as to you you are feeling low. I think its a lot of things, with family friend, low self esteem, low confidence etc. So if I break it down for you I hope it will help, you can only deal with one thing at a time. In your post it sounds like you have a lot to let out and that your are suffering with anxiety and depression. I would surgestion going to your gp and talking to him or her about it.

    Ok so your sister broke your laptop... I think it was really nice of you to hold back and not get angry at her because you didnt want her to be sad. However I can only imagine how hard it must of been to keep it in, even if it was an accident in some ways you are still allowed to be upset/angry/annoyed whatever . You also said if you have started to get angry or said anything everyone in your family would of shouted at you and that doesn't sound fair? I personally feel that you should be allowed to express how you felt about you laptop getting broken, I'm not saying you should of shouted at you sister but if you aren't allowed to express your self you end up bottling up your emotions and that is not good for your health and thats probably why your so upset over it now, but you feel like you being dramatic. You're not. It sounds like the fact that you laptop is broken, got ignored by your family. If it was the other way around and you broke your sisters laptop, would your family react in the same way or would they make you pay for a new one? There was one thing that stuck out for me whih was that you said you were going through a really tought time and you asked you parents to take you to hospital and they told you to pray. A lot of reglisious people pray when they are going trough a tought or a good time i understand and respect that completely and it is a good thing. I do also think you have to either ask for help or get your self help it just feels like you got ignored, as you said you knew praying wouldnt help you.

    It also sounds like you really, really care about what other people, your family think of you and your actions. This is low self esteem and lack of confidence, I think caring and being consitenious towards other people is a lovely aspect to a personality and its a positive thing but what I will say is that you cant take on everyones feeling, and thought process, its exshausting! you can still be caring and respect others but still do what you want to do.

    You mention about being bullied when you were younger and not having many friends and I think today that still sits with you today. Bulling can hugely affect people even as adults no matter how long ago it was. I think counselling would really help you with this part.

    Please don t stay in your droom room it won't help you if anything it will make you worse. I think baby steps in the key with getting to know people if your shy, and there is nothing wrong with being shy! Setting your self a goal each day for example smiling at someone (generally if you smile at some they will smile back, unless they a miserable and if you scowl at some one they will scowl back! A smile costs nothing) or just saying something to someone will gradually build up any confidence, it will take time. But People aren't going to come knocking on your door until you show them you are there and show them you are available and you want to make friends :). I dont think you can judge as to whether people like you or not, I think you can get some sort of idea, but your not a mind reader! So try not to read into what people actually think of you and stick with people you feel cmfortable with. Friends will come and go thats life, with some you will end up going separate ways and other will be life long friends, but dont hide away. Dont think your self an ugly person I'm sure your not, try and buld your self up by thinking about what you do like about your self. Everything you think something negitive, flip the coin and find a positive.

    Like I said before, I think counselling would really help you, I'm a trainee counsellor and you don't have to have confidence to go to counselling trust me, you are in a safe place, you just have to want to help your self. You also have to know that its going to be hard but the outcome is often good! Some people I see, have litterally dragged them selves to come and talk to me and others get into my room and they are like a ticking time bomb ready to explode because they've been bottling things up for years.

    I think to help exceise is a good thing when your feeling really down, go for a walk and release some endorphin! and just try taking small steps and ignore negitvy in your head, like 'I'm an ugly person' 'no one like me' batt it out again. It's not rational thinking. Hope this help! Lily :)

  • Sounds like you're are depressed. When you are anxious and depressed, your mind imagines many negative emotions. I'm sorry about your laptop but you got it repaired so it works. Maybe it will work ok for now and you can save up for a new one. Being depressed probably makes you push people away by imagining they don't like you. You have to be a friend if you want friends. It's not just up to others, you have to make effort too. Does your university offer counseling services that you can go to. If they do, you should take advantage of that service. The more you interact with others, the more confident you will become. I'm sorry you were teased when you were little but you have grown since then. You can't do anything about the past. The past means it's gone, you can't change it but you can live for today. You don't need your parents to take you to see a doctor. You are a young adult now and the more you do for yourself, the more confident you Will become. You are at university and that takes commitment so you do have the ability to get out and start your life. If you go to doctor, you can explain how you feel and if he thinks meds will help maybe you should try them. There have been many famous people like actors, etc that went through depression and got help and today they are fine. No shame in getting help when you need it but you have to ask for it. Good luck and pat yourself on back for going to university and preparing for your future.

  • I am sorry you are struggling and suffering. Your last sentence concerns me. It is important that you seek help now. Try a professional counselor even if it is scary.

  • Its two weeks since you posted and I hope you have had the strength to see your gp and ask for (and accept) help. Take care and look after yourself inside and out.

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