"It" is back

[TheHistoricalPresent]

I've had a month off work (normal vacation, not sick leave) and during that time worked very very hard to improve myself. I have felt sick for years and instead of worrying about my health I started running, I can now run for 2+ miles/25 min (used Couch25k). I have done yoga for 17 days and it has reshaped me and made me stronger. I have meditated for 17 days. I have worked through "Mind over Mood" and learned how to write thought records and deal with my automatic thoughts. I drink enough water. I go for a walk alone every day (16 days now) to combat agoraphobia, and I have been on several longer days out to "scary places" without a safe person. I no longer procrastinate (I have my own business from home as a graphic designer which I have been doing as usual while off my 9-5er job. My house is more organized, I feel like a responsible adult. I even climbed a mountain while I was on break and did not die.

I went back to work for a day yesterday and it was EXACTLY the same as it used to be before I had improved any of the things mentioned above. It started great (not a stressful day at all and just one other person around). I was able to function for a couple of hours. Then I took a break, did yoga, meditation, walked around and then I just spiralled down: felt undefinably "odd", needed to raise my feet (feel faint etc.), breathing became weirder, brain fog, trouble speaking.

Its weird though because when I first started with anxiety 10 years ago it was always a racing heart/panic type situation. but I have no issues with heart rate for the last 2 years. and during my episode yesterday HR was 60-70 range.

I ended up feeling very sick and extremely exhausted and it did not stop when I got home. I feel a lot of pain in my body (not normal for me), and as a result of all this feel dread and depression. Today I have no strength for any of my usual new routine of the running/yoga etc.

In seeing a doctor throughout all this I have never received any answers. 2 years ago I was pretty much bed bound, but it seems that stress and people are real issues for me whereas it used to be activity that made me feel awful. I finally told my doctor I thought I had low blood pressure. and what do you know, I did. I love how this is discovered NOW...the simplest of tests. He said "Well, you'll live forever but you'll feel like sh*t". Thanks Doc.

I don't think all the work I did on myself was a waste, but I am disappointed that if anything I am now worse at work than I used to be. I don't even think it's the job, especially right now becasue it it a very very chill time of year (I work at a university, no students right now). It's more like just sitting at a desk messes me up (but getting up to exercise didn't help so...whatever). Or maybe I just have so much terror and PTSD about my workplace becasue of all the awful attacks I have that leave me stuck and unable to get home (long drive to a different town).

August 12 with be 10 years of having my life ruined. I had surgery that day for internal bleeding and I have never been calm or okay since, I developed panic attacks within a few months and have been miserable for ten years despite trying so many different things. I can't face it any more. Not working is not an option for me.

I am not even sure why I am posting.

[Aazz]

You have suffered for 10 years you worked on your self for 17 days unfortunately there are no quick fixes and there will always be set back like what happened at work. In your recovery you need to expect and accept that you will have some set backs along the way and not get discouraged. If you can remember this you will be able to get through the bad days. You were doing well and you should hold on to the fact that you were feeling better so it is possible. When you have a bad day just remember that you also improved and it will get better, we can not feel perfect everyday. The recovery can take a long time that is annoying but that's just how it is and patience and positivity is very important to get through all this.

Just keep percevering you will get there. :)))

[TheHistoricalPresent in reply to Aazz]

Aww thanks I have actually been working since I got "sick" ten years ago just the yoga & meditation for 17 days this time around and Couch 25K since March!

Thanks for reminding me about setbacks though. I definitely needed a reality check. You were really sweet to reply!

[cctexan in reply to TheHistoricalPresent]

I agree w the other poster and wanted to add, emdr treAtment helped enormously w my PTSD Can't raves enough how that stopped 15 yrs of night terrors of flashback of my domestic violence and rapes.

Trauma takes many forms for different people. And talk therapy wasn't enough.

Good luck

[TheHistoricalPresent in reply to cctexan]

You're right. talk therapy accesses things we hold in our consciousness, but some of this is lodged deep in out body—out of reach, you know. Thank you! looking up emdr now! xo

[6katanaS in reply to TheHistoricalPresent]

Me too!😊

Also, congratulations--you've done so much to improve your overall health-Amazing!

And I know from personal experience that agoraphobia doesn't go away right away--However,it does seem like therapy would be your final hurdle in this "battle "--You can do it! I wish you luck.💗

[TheHistoricalPresent in reply to 6katanaS]

<3 what a sweet reply. I was so down the other day when I posted but I pulled it together and continued doing the good/right things (in the past I just would have stopped). I find the fact that I have these 3-4 things I meow do every day are actually holding me in a routine. and the routine is GOOD. I managed to do my run last night, further/longer than I have ever run in my life and I did it on my own without having a "safe person" come and watch. I was so proud of myself I was in tears (good ones) after.

I know I am changing now in really important ways. I feel like I am doing the growing up I kind of missed out on when I was younger due to my mum dying of cancer through my entire teen years and my own sh*t after that.

I'm going to turn out to be a really interesting person I think. When it all comes together. Hopefully a good and non-judgemental one!

[cctexan in reply to TheHistoricalPresent]

Yep.. I don't understand how emdr works, but the process , removed the panic attacks, the night terrors and nightmares I had lived with, struggled with for 19 years.

It was the hardest prep work I ever did, but actual session seems so simple you can't believe just holding a ticking " click" type thing in your hand while closing your eyes and doing what your therapists talks of,

How that simple 20 mins release those demons, I was just amazed. I did it on three " incidents" that had damaged my life over the years (various assaults by different people). I had refused to talk deep enough to ever get that last but of poison out. This therapy erased an "image" but in doing the one , it erases a 4 yearbperiod of dv and crap.

I'm not explaining it well, but ask the therapist, how they do it, how often, and their success rate. My therapist works w veterans and survivors, so vshe has had experience.... And I knew her for years to do it

[TheHistoricalPresent in reply to cctexan]

I can't thank you enough. I am going to see if I can find a practitioner for this. I'm not even going to read up on it too much beforehand. I am just going to find someone and do exactly as I'm told!

[cctexan in reply to TheHistoricalPresent]

Good deal. I had to wait til I got serious about think outside the box for help for this stuff.

Tired of traditional meds and docs. Although I'm steering clear of natural herbs as they don't set welll.

I do mindfulness meditation now , still learning . that's some powerful calming. Better than an pill I ever took and works within minutes. Eventually I'll be able to do it within seconds and without a guided thing on my phone or tablet

Nice to meet you. Keep in touch.. We can encourage one another!