There is a very nice lady who invited herself over to my home tomorrow. I don't want her be in my home. I could list reasons why but they sound more like excuses. Although this is my home so really it should be my decision no matter what my reasons, right?
I adopted two tweety birds from her last November and one sadly passed away recently. I met her at a concert tonight in town just to pick up the new tweety bird from her. I wasn't even going to the show. Just meeting her before hand to collect the tweety bird she is giving me.
Well she shows up with no tweety bird. She said it was too rainy tonight and just thought she would stop by my home tomorrow. I could see her dropping off a box to me in the lobby.... But then she said she doesn't want to be noisy but wanted to come into my home tomorrow to see the other bird she gave me. I told her I work tomorrow morning and tomorrow evening- hinting that I am busy so maybe another time. And she said around 2pm. It was really awkward to say no at this point. She said for me to email her my address and she will GPS it and see where I live.
Well the thing is my home is not stranger company ready. A friend I know, my boyfriend - yes. But this lady is the kind of person everything would have to be perfect to have over. I rent and four of my interior doors are splinters and look horrible. The carpet in the hall is from the 1970's and really worn and has a cement stain on it from unknown orgins before I even moved in. There is walls that need to be repaired, etc. The pet she gives me lives in my bedroom and really I don't like sharing my personal space with anyone other than my partner or close friend. Not someone who starts off by saying ... I am not being noisy! Obviously that is exactly what she is being.
I can come up with an excuse for one day. But no where in the future do I want her in my home. And I have no drive to go pick up the tweety bird from her. She has a huge sprawling house where I saw the kitchen and room she keeps her birds in. I live in a two bedroom apartment where you see absolutely everything because is quite small.
If I were the devious sort I could wait until she gets here and then take the tweety bird from her and say sorry it is a bad time to visit. My boyfriend is sick and sleeping or some excuse. But it will sound like I am making up a story. And it feels more dishonest to me to have her drive all the way here with the intension of seeing my home. And then to trick her and say no when she gets here.
I could tell her she can drop off the tweety bird tomorrow but tomorrow is a bad time to visit- and tell her in advance...... Hoping she will still drop of the tweety bird ending any real reason she would be able to invite herself to my home again. I don't have time to fix up my home for her because I am working a split shift. And really why should I be put in this position.
But when she puts in a way she is doing me a favour - it is harder to get out of it. And a side note would be that the tweety bird who lost her mate is lonely. Just the way she said she is not being noisy but wants to see my apartment tomorrow- was said in a way she in fact is being noisy. And there is nothing I can do to have my apartment ready for her to visit tomorrow- or in the unforeseenable future.
You could try being honest with her. You live in an old apartment that the landlord doesn't maintain well. As far as her coming over, is it clean? Do you take good care of the birds? Really, if she's only interested in seeing your home, maybe it'll scare her off and she won't want to come back. It's your space, and your life. Take a deep breath and try not to care so much about what other people think.
Thank-you AmyJ. 💐My home is clean as it almost is a hobby of mine to clean. But this lady has an aura of perfectionism plus the inviting herself over with the line... I don't mean to be nosy... I have been to her Better Homes And Gardens style home. Honestly her open concept kitchen is the size of my apartment. My boyfriend is visiting today and if the landlord called to say she need to come in I would be okay. I really wish I had the confidence not to care what others think! The way this lady is reminds me of my mother. Very nice... But very bold and opinionated. I fed the tweety bird she gave me a sunflower seed and she went on how bad that was holding no nurtional value. Imagine what faults she could find in my home- my sanctuary! 😝
We might have the same mom! Actually, I think cctexan's idea is perfect. If she does continue to insist on coming to your home, then she is just inconsiderate. Have you sent the email yet? You don't have to tell her where you live...
I have sent the email with an actual partly true story of my boyfriend taking me out this afternoon for groceries. He has not taken me in a week and I really need vegetables and fruit. But sayings I have no food is not going no help my living in low income housing perception! Later on this evening my boyfriend has an appointment with a tax account so I told her that was this afternoon and I needed to be there. That was only a band aid solution- I am afraid if she came her I would not be able to folLow threw with the great reasons people are suggesting. So like she would push by me and come into my house anyway. I had that happen once before. I am not hiding anything bad so it is not super serious. But it more of a violating being bullied aura kind of feeling. Thank-you for your reply!💐
Well, we all need fresh veggies and fruit at times--that has nothing to do with low-income housing. Even so, you are taking good care of the birds. You should not have to put up with feeling bullied; that's just wrong. If she does that, she is rude. I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this. Just remember that she is not your judge. She might judge you, but she doesn't count. YOU are the only one who counts. You are the only one who counts. You matter, no one else does. And you can do this.
Thank-you for your kind words. I wish I could be the type of person that simply said what they wanted without worrying about the other person's perception. The fruit and veggie run I thought may not qualify for a valid excuse- because she may wonder why we don't just put it off one more day- or even after her visit. But I depend on my partner to take me to the shops because I have no drive of my own. I guess this is because of my insercure personality that i think I hide pretty well. You sound like you would be a great friend to have in 'real time' with your postive personality!💐
I don't like strangers or rude nosy pushy people ,, if they insist on ignoring my needs, I don't see the necessity of accommodating them...
Maybe saying, thanks for the offer to bring the bird, but I'm not comfortable with people in my home. Just one of !my quirks. I'm sure you understand. Thanks so much will X place or Y place work best for you?
Acknowledging her ' politeness' and being direct, plus stating it all in one breath will assume the sale as I was taught in sales. If u are confident, and give an option instead of letting her make the next move, you maintain control of the situation. Plus you will assume you will get what you are shooting for ( the bird)
Thank-you cctexan.💐 the assuming the sale and being confident of the answer works for sure- because that is how she managed to invite herself to my place. But she did seem a little nervous saying - I don't want to be nosy- first. We already made the plan to when, and where she was giving me another tweety bird! And then it changed. It felt like a game of chess at that moment you know you are cornered for good- the way she invited herself over including adding the time she would come. I work this morning and this evening and I often nap in between. I will work on phrasing it like you said. I will give no wiggle room or soft sale - just say it is not happening.❤️
you sound so like me I have had to learn this.. YOUR home.. YOUR life.. YOUR rules.. meet her at the door take the new bird off her.. be polite but if she tries to come on say sorry now is not a good time.. NO excuses just NO.. good luck but assert yourself you obviously do not want her in your home so that is how it should be. x
Thank-you Pat9. When she first said she was coming over I assumed that is exactly what would happen! But then the line came.... I don't want to be nosy but I want to come in and see my place. Your answer is the one I want to do because it just ends and resolves the situation today. She is a lovely person. I wonder how she would feel if I asked to see every room in her sprawling huge home - tomorrow. That is what she is saying she wants to do in my home because this place is so small. It felt invasive! If I had things perfect I wouldn't mind her coming as an invited guest. But the ratty interior doors and old 1970's hallcarpet with the cement stains on it... Only a friend I felt comfortable with gets to see that! 😋
good for you.. hope you stick to your guns let us know how you get on.. people like that will cross your boundaries if they get the chance.. that is why you have to make sure you make yours clear so she knows next time X
Thank-you Pat❤️ We never even exchanged phone numbers so I had to email her. The story I told was believable. I had to be at an appointment with my partner. Which was true- we were out all afternoon running errands. It was my partners only time free to take me for a lengthy afternoon outing. And then as soon as Infotmhome I had to change and go back to work for my daily split shift. The lady wrote back to me saying - no worries and that she would send me later future dates she is available for a visit. She has not yet. I asked my partner who lives a fairly short distance from her to just go collect the elderly tweety bird. But he said he felt too uncomfortable taking the bird alone in his truck. The bird would be in a small biscuit box the size of a frizzy drink tin- and is so tiny he couldn't bite! So now my boyfriend says he has to find time to come collect me - which is about 30 minutes. And then he drive back by his own home 30 minutes away... and then 15 more minutes to the lady's house.!😣 This is all' quite frustrating. So if this lady contacts me before my boyfriend can allot so much driving time in his schedule I will be in a similiar predicament. I would much rather my boyfriend collect the tiny. Box and then spend time visiting in my home than wasting time backtracking on the highway! I had a very bad experience driving in a car when I was a child that left me very nervous driving as an adult. Atleast I know that I am bad driver and stay off the roads. But then things happen like. However even if I did have a valid liscence at the moment- I would have no vehicle. Thank-you for your kindness and supporting post!💐
it is hard when you first start to stand firm with your boundaries.. when I did this I did what you are doing... I used to make excuses to get what I wanted instead of what the other person did.. HOWEVER this can go wrong as it has here.. she seems hell bent to get her own way.. and as again turned it back to when she can come over AND come in.. this is an example of what I mean.. my friend calls round and asks me to go shopping that afternoon and I really do not want to go.. so instead of saying no thank you I don't want to go I said I am so busy in the garden sorry but I would love to go with you but am too busy.. she then offers to help me in the garden so we can then BOTH go shopping.. DOOMED!! That is why now I will state my case direct.. simply no sorry I don't want to go shopping.. that way no debate. Its not being rude it is being to the point.. I would contact her and say can you bring the bird over at a set time and date.. when she turns up meet her at the door and take the bird.. she might try to get in.. stand your ground and if she is so blatant that she then asks to come in say sorry now is not a good time.. take the bird and say must go thank you..DONE it takes a time to stand your ground with boundaries but if you don't your life becomes hell good luck and hope you get this little bird soon X
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Thank-you Whatnext💐 I like your response because it almost gives her the same taste of her medicine in getting what she wanted. Once she drives all the way into town with the tweety bird she is not going to drive him back for not letting her in my home with a valid soundings rushed excuse! But if the plan failed I would be very awkward. I told my boyfriend what happened and he is on the same page as everyone else's post. He said I could use him as an excuse. And then he brushed off the whole thing saying we all have more important things to worry about. But to me this is important! ❤️
I agree with Pat9 100% This was something my lovely mum taught me years ago. I also get really anxious as my home isn't the fanciest and needs work done. My mum used to say to me just don't invite them in. If they are a nice person they'll respect that. Could you Say I've had a phone call from eg: relative,friend and I need to go round to see them just now I'm actually just on my way out? Or say I'd invite you in but my friend etc has turned up and she's really upset as she's split with her boyfriend? I know what you're saying that you don't want it to sound like an excuse but when it comes down to it...who cares? Is she important in your life? Anyway I'd never put someone in that position. I usually can sense if someone doesn't want me coming in their house even if they've invited me in. I always say "no that's ok I need to rush off anyway" if I sense their discomfort.
Oops sorry I think this answer might be a bit late Aspen. I really hope it went ok.
in reply to
Thank-you for your reply. Everything you say is so right. I also would also not put someone in this position. I guess that is why it is so hard to understand people who do! My family years ago had the attitude that people came over to see you - not your home. But this lady actually said she wanted to see it! I am seeing today about getting repairs done so I won't have so much worries. Anyone who replied to this question I probably would get a good feel off and invite in myself! I do have company here at times. But not an acquaintance who basically loves in a mansion and me in low income housings. Honestly I don't think she knows now that I think of it. So she would be expecting I live in a lovely home too- not a 6 plex apartment building on the wrong side of the tracks.
Could it just be that she simply wants to be certain her bird is going to a satisfactory home? If you apply for a rescue dog you get your premises inspected.
Thank-you for your post! I answered it once before and it doesn't look like my response went threw-so in case there is a double of my answer that is why!😋 you have a valid question. The thing is I take these elderly birds in as a favourite to her and I have done this before. She sees tons of photos and videos. I am actually professionally trained in caring for animals and I know she respects me- otherwise she would not trust me with her pets she gives off an aura of a perfectionist and calls everything as she sees it. I wish I had a home that would be up to that kind of standard. But I don't. I am going to have repairs made soon - but I am just a renter and will have to pay for it myself. I do have friends over- but not people I don't know well who suggest it on their own kind of thing! 💐
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I have had to learn this.. YOUR home.. YOUR life.. YOUR rules.. meet her at the door take the new bird off her.. be polite but if she tries to come on say sorry now is not a good time.. NO excuses just NO.. good luck but assert yourself you obviously do not want her in your home so that is how it should be. x
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