Fear of Intimacy/Nightmares of Sexual Abuse? (Trigger Warning)

[lamrine]

Hi everyone. The past few months I have been having very vivid dreams that I am being raped or molested. Please keep in mind that I have never been sexually abused, or at least I don't remember being sexually abused if I was.

I asked my therapist about it (I see her regularly for anxiety) and she expressed a lot of concern about these nightmares. I did some journaling and I came to the conclusion that these nightmares might be linked with my fear of intimacy in general. I have also noticed that I feel very threatened by men.

I am not sure where this fear of/disinterest in sex started. I have been wondering if I am asexual due to the fact that I have absolutely no desire to have sex, but rather feel anxiety and disgust when I think about it. Another possibility is that my sexuality as been repressed to the point of being afraid of it (I am Mormon, and our church puts a lot of shame around sex/sexuality...thanks a lot, religion. So helpful.)

I am frustrated, scared, and antsy to understand my sexuality better. I have never kissed anyone (I am sixteen), and I won't rush into kissing anyone or having sex, but I don't know if anyone else has had a similar experience.

Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[TraumatisedTrainer]

Hi lamrine

I'm sorry to hear things are so bad for you at the moment. I can understand your feelings of asexuality,

I never had any desire to be touched by men or even like you said the thought of sex wasn't appealing.

The idea of being with another person was unpleasant, uncomfortable and at times terrifying.

I also experienced nightmares, unfortunately I didn't have anyone to talk to about the thoughts and feelings,

so they stayed bottled up for a long time. It took me till I was 24 to realise that there was more to it. for me

the feelings started with trauma. I was molested when I was 7 and raped when I was 13, now please understand

I am not saying that you have repressed sexual trauma like me, but there is usually a factor that starts this all off.

I spent years not even knowing a lot of what happened to me because me mind was too scared to go there.

I will say the best thing you can do is keep working through it with your therapist and try and get to the route of

the feelings. The more you're able to uncover the less you'll find it torments you.

I even got married, thinking that security was what I was lacking and that being truly with one person would make it better, it didn't and I never had any desire to have sex so please stick to your ideals and don't rush. it won't make it better. only truly understanding you mind will.

I hope at least some of this is helpful and that you feel better soon

[lamrine in reply to TraumatisedTrainer]

thank you so much for your support. I am so sorry to hear about your sexual abuse and I hope you are doing well. I will certainly keep talking to my therapist about it, but it is really comforting to know that someone else out there has felt the same way I do. God bless

[Hidden]

Hello

I am so sorry regards this problem you have. When young I had a very rough childhood that did not help my attitude to life when I became older and attended College and later when at work. One problem I had was that my memories became selective and I began to associate those problems with people who had done me no harm. Now I am sixty four years old and medically retired early and now I am very mistrustful of those around me. One problem I had was I was uncertain of the person I married and this culminated on no family children to call my own. I suppose people can see this in me and it causes a thick rod for my back.

One thing I am trying to explain to you is do not let any false memories to effect your life. In early life many things may become a false memory or should I say a misrepresentation of what has happened those many years earlier. With me as mentioned earlier I suffered from mental cruelty that went on even through into my married life that culminated in a complete breakdown with my family. I suffered several mental breakdowns and I am still suffering Reactive Depression brought on by chronic pain that sometimes becomes associated with a very strong Manic Depression that I suffered from when I was about seven upwards to now

Try and understand the feelings you may suffer now need to, I know it is hard, to get rid of, after an airing of them with your therapist, they are a wound you suffered and should be if possible be put too sleep allowing you to get on with your life. If you become like me who is still mistrusting and cynical all it does is not only wreck your life but wreck the life of a person that could be your soul mate.

Good luck

BOB

[Compo69]

Anxiety causes thoughts that are horrible mines different, I had a dream and the next day I had a fear of knifes. Because I was imagining thoughts of stabbing myself. The therapists you have May not know about this. But you will feel scared of kissing someone because you've never done before it's normal. When you have these thoughts think to yourself ITS A THOUGHT NOT REALITY. Don't force the thought away. Just let it flow past. I'm 16 as well. Theirs no need to feel disgusted about it. I know you have a religion but live your life don't let thoughts like this take over you because they are only thoughts. I think things through my head when I take my dog a walk in a woods alone, stuff like I'm going to get killed or kidnapped. It is just anxiety playing tricks on your mind. I know you have a religion but live life as you want to live it. Don't let religion do this to you. You are fearing these thoughts because you don't want to think them. Personally if religion was doing this to me I would just leave it but I don't know what having a religion is like so

I wouldn't know. If you have a smartphone try headspace.com this will teach mindfulness and help you. Hope I have helped!