adjustment disorder? recurring anxiety and depression

[nornor]

i've suffered from anxiety and depression for about 20 years. most episodes have occurred during life changes (i.e. choosing a college, getting married, trying for a baby), or travel. i've been great for the past 5 years, ever since i was prescribed cymbalta. the past few years have been very stressful. my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer 4 years ago and passed away in november. i was her primary caregiver and i myself was diagnosed with ms 3 years ago. my husband was out of work for 9 months this past year and we also lost our car in hurricane sandy. i handled all of these challenges very well, however. i was laid off from the job i've had as a social worker for 17 years this week. i knew it was coming and decided to take some time off, both to relax and also to finish a book i've been writing for a few years. i was looking forward to the break, but now that it's finally here i am terrified! i'm having panic attacks and i'm very depressed. i'm having trouble eating and sleeping. i'm afraid that my anxiety will keep me from ever getting a job again. i'm ashamed that this is happening, as i wanted this break but now i'm afraid i can't handle all this time without the routine of a full-time job, even though i wanted to write full-time. my therapist thinks i might have adjustment disorder. he's normally very helpful but i didn't feel any better after this week's session. i'm seeing my psychiatrist next week but am anxious about trying out new meds with their own side effects and problems. i know i've had a traumatic few years and i should give myself a break, that it's normal to have all these feelings after everything that's gone on. but i'm having a really hard time accepting how awful this feels. i am in no way suicidal, nor have i ever been, but when i feel this way my brain goes - great, you'll just have to kill yourself! repeat - i am not going to hurt myself. i just hate that this feels so awful. tips? help?

[Evey37]

Hi nor let me just say a big well done so far on everything you have gone through and come out the other side. Just try and find the smallest positive and focus on that. My best friend has ms so know how it affects people. What's your book about?

[nornor]

thanks so much, evey! the book is a young adult novel called zithead. i also have tons of essays written about my mom's cancer, my ms, depression/anxiety. i know it sounds like delightful subject matter, but most of it is actually pretty funny. i hope your friend is doing well. thanks for the reply!