i hate my life :(

[lottiepolly]

i have been this way for a while now but i am a VERY private person i don't tell anyone about anything good or bad i also have depression and social phobia i am home educated (which i believe is part of the problem) and i just took a exam (geography) i had been there a week before for another exam (biology) and they were nice and walked me to it, but the geography one went really wrong, to start with i had a really bad feeling which i didn't for the other one (i didn't want my mum to leave me but she wasn't allowed in the school) when i got there they acted like i was really late when i was early they then expected me to walk to the school hall where there was a lady supposed to be waiting for me,they said i knew where it was even when my mum told them i really didn't they just gave me the wrong directions and expected me to walk into a massive playground of kids (something i haven't done since i was 8 i am now 15) by myself to somewhere i couldn't get into and meet someone who was not there (hard for the normal kid let alone someone like me)!!! i started to have a panic attack there was no way i would of been able to make that pointless trip without my mum and she knew that so she stopped one of the teachers and asked her to take me, she did and then when she found out which classroom i had to go to i was the only one there and the papers hadn't even arrived !! clearly i wasn't late grr they made me panic even more for no reson at ALL !!!! then at the last minute they decided to swap the teachers around and the lady HAD NO IDEA, she didnt no what we were meant to be doing(the other guy did) then she handed out all the papers then had to leave the room for literally a second and took them all back even tho we had already filled in our deats then handed them back (there would not of even been time to have a sneaky peek (not that i would've done that i'm not that girl) . now i have a exam in morn and i cant even get in bed cos there was a spider above my bed (my bed is high up) i got my dad and asked him to get it and he went to squish it but knocked it onto my bed instead and then told me that he had got it and pretended to squish it in his hand he is a LIAR he is stroppy mody thinks i should me some sort of unpaid servant for him and my mum (who is not like this by the way) he will put me last in everything me and my opinion don't matter to him he is a jerk i have a exam at 8:50 it now one THANKS A LOT DAD !

i don't feel safe anywhere any more i need help i know but i can't ask for it because they will think that they can fix me themselves when they CAN NOT!! i'm scared about the morn i don't want to be expected to sort myself out again cos i really can't

on the rare occasions i've tried to talk to my family about the hole shyness thing they shouted me down and said i would grow out of it that they'd been thro the same thing and then they told me there worst stories and feelings it was nothing compared to what goes on inside my head , they don't know what i am going thru as i don't bother to tell them things i physically can't tell them my mind goes blank or i prepare what i'm gonna say and then they get angry with me so i cant tell them about how i feel then they don't even know i was gonna tell them something big alls they know is that i messed up again they don't know when i don't feel well or when i am scared and frightened or when i'm tired they just think i am being lazy again then when i tell them i am tired they say "well you should've gone to sleep earlier then shouldn't you" in really nasty sarcastic tones then smirk as if they think what they said was funny i hate my life i hate me

[Hidden]

Hello lottie

Reading your blog , you took me back to when I was a lot & it was a long time ago , but when I was younger

The feelings you describe I remember feeling that way to & I felt so very different from everyone else

Also back then anxiety & things were not talked about as they are now , so I did keep how I felt all to myself & tried to deal with it , but it didn't work

I can imagine how your parents are reacting , I no they will love you , even though you may not feel it , they just don't understand or even want to believe their daughter may need help as that might be to painful for them to accept

As a Mum , I have a better understanding as I suffer , but also I do no as Mums & Dads we are not perfect & we do get things wrong , try instead of feeling bitter towards them to maybe think of it that way , they are not perfect

At 15 , you can go to your GP , without a parent & anything you say is confidential between you & GP

I no you may find this hard as I no you say you have to have someone with you , but to get help which some kind of counselling would be a good thing maybe for you , someone like your GP has to refer you

You also may find it hard to explain , but you have done a good job explaining in your blog , so you could write it down & just pass it your GP to read , they have seen young people just like you , so they are used to it

I do hope you can find it in you , as you are so young & I believe with some support now you will grow up to have a very good future & be happy

I hope your exam goes well

Love

whywhy

xxx

[Loopylou1411]

I totally hear what your say and have felt all your anxieties and stress, the catalogue of confusions and disorganisations that you had with the exam is not your fault and unacceptable to put any person under. Try to focus on the exams and doing the best you can hunny not about how stupid the school are being. People can be so insensitive to the stresses of being a teenager and being depressed and anxious. Because we haven't got a big plaster on us to make it obvious others don't have so much consideration.

I hope the rest of your exams go a lot better and please do more blogs to let's us all know how you are going, we car so much for each other on here and have more of an understanding of the fears that are going on with you.

As for the spider and your dad, wow I would have screamed and slept in another room! I can't do spiders at all. It's a common fear and I get the fact you couldn't get in your bed xxx I think you dad is doing the tough love act, as that's all he knows. People can't deal with deep emotion and its harder if its something they can't help and take away from the girl he loves dearly. My dad was amazing but my mum was like your dad.. Even when my knees were dislocating and the pain was so bad she would grab my hair drag me to the bus stop and tell me school was more important. I would getto school and the nurse there would call my dad and he would take me to my grandma.

Take care sweetie and hope this week get better for you message me anytime xxx Lou

[Hidden]

Hi lottie

I'm really sorry to hear your issues and I can relate to them.

I hope you can see your GP or someone similar to talk about these issues.

If not you can talk to people on here.

Do you live in the UK you sound American so I'm not sure how they handle these things over there.

Over here you can go see your GP and he may refer you to a specialist.

Feel free to message me anytime you like

tc

[Regalbirdy]

Hi Lottie,

Yes having anxiety, depression AND trying to do your exams is very hard. Keep trying to do your best though.

I hear what you're saying about people not understanding how you feel. Looking back it was pretty similar for me through many of my school years. Like you I didn't feel safe, which in my case was through a combination of low level bullying a general lack of support. However it did improve a little when I got college - which I suspect you may not be too far away from being able to do if you wanted to. College could be an opportunity for you to work on your social anxieties and to make new friends. It would not have to be full-time unless you wanted it to be. For me college started to give me some control and choice on how I lived my life.

You're right, it is too easy for people to assume you are being a lazy teenager (also been there), but from what you are saying it sounds like you are working your socks off right now trying to cope with everything. Not getting recognised for doing this can be very upsetting; and from personal experience feels very unfair and demoralising.

Have you ever googled the charity MIND? They have a section on support for students - might be worth a look if you haven't already. Some of their local groups are okay as well.

Good luck! You sound like you have the smarts to figure out what you can do to make yourself feel a bit better. It might be a case of trial and error, but I think you can do it.