Hello all, I have just moved home. I have yet to leave the house on my own. I have friends who live in my building who take me to the shops, that is all I can do at the moment.
I feel like everything I have done this year to self improve has worn off. I feel constantly guilty for not having a job. The things I used to enjoy no longer inspire me to get out of bed.
I have been staying in bed too much I feel like if I stay in it the day will pass me by and I will not have to worry about life and the future.
I constantly go over the decisions I've made in my life and regret them all. I am on ESA I have permission from the Government to not work yet I still am being made to feel I should be working and I am a failure.
The worst thing is the fear of going out alone though I have so much that needs doing. I've cancelled so many important appointments. I'm starting to think I need anti depressants I've gone 6 months without now. Some days I think 'just a bit longer without them and I'll feel ok again' but this isn't happening. I think they may help me to get out of bed.I was convinced they were a con but I'm sure when I was on them life was much more bearable. I suppose some people just need them. I am also terrified of going to see the Dr on my own though so this is a large barrier to something that will potentially help me.
Every thought I have about myself at the moment is negative and its not just focusing on the present I'm scrutinising every decision I've ever made in my life.
My life has been quite varied and I've lived in a few different cities around the country as well as achieved many creative things on my own but now I can't seem to do anything.
I'm jealous of everyone, everyone I see on tv everyone I hear about and meet with. I keep wishing I wasn't me. Why didn't I work harder on my last relationship so I'm not alone now? Why didn't I start a career when I was young? Has my physical illness really held me back or have I used it as an excuse? Although it seems every time I get somewhere in life it rears its head and pulls me back down.
Yesterday I told myself 'just get a job in tesco it can't be that bad'. I looked into it and its a big complicated process you can't just fill in a form and start, there are no jobs in Tesco to start with. You also have to be passionate about customer service and retail to work in a supermarket these days. I just can't get passionate about stacking shelves and working on tills and thats all I feel I could do. I'm no good at pretending to be interested in something I'm not and the things I have studied for and have skills in don't exist as jobs.
My internet has been off for a month whilst moving so hopefully returning to posting on here will be helpful. I'm still in bed as I type the living room and all the things that need doing will just have to wait for another day for me to even think about going near them.
anxiety and depression
Anxiety, Emetophobia and Depression
Anxiety and Depression
Anxiety and depression 
