First Post

[Rennie]

I feel like I've always been unhappy. Had a difficult childhood, but so do many people! Had 3 different fathers by the time the 3rd one left, when I was 18. Early relationships were destructive and very violent.

I married almost 20 years ago, I'd known him a very brief time, but I thought It was special, different and exciting.

He was mentally abusive throughout the marriage. I stayed, we worked together, had a business. Then I had children. It got worse...still, I stayed.

By now I was taking prescribed anti depressants. Had counselling, CBT.

That was 5 years ago.

I found he'd been having an affair with my son's school friend's Mother. He left. I really wanted to kill him. The pain turned very quickly to real hate. Pure hate, which kept me going. He did to me what I'd seen happen to my own mother with my father...The hate fed me....I seemed to the outside world more in control than I'd ever been. I felt I was free.

For a year I dated...the internet was my life line. I dated (shall we call it) a lot!

I meet a nice guy, after 6 months he moved in. Great with the kids. All seemed wonderful. Normal problems. But it was good, till 6 months ago... the depression crept back, slowly at first. Good days and bad.

The last month has been hell. I'm not taking the tablets the doctor has given me. I know I'll loose a bit of myself when I do start medication...

Every little problem is the end of the world. I'm so angry and see no way out of the black hole I've fallen into. So lonely, and feel damaged beyond repair. I look around at 'normal' people, normal lives and wonder what it is like to live without this pain inside my chest. The constant chatter of my own thoughts...reminding me I'll never be happy.

Would I know happy if I was it? Am I not allowing myself to BE happy? Why has the anxiety returned?

[Hidden]

Life is hard enough without anxiety but we struggle on.Are you still you still with your partner? It might not be today or tomorrow but it will get better.Wish something could put these worries and thoughts out of our heads,do you have a reason for the last month being so bad?I try to analyse why some days are worse but never come up with anything.I don't like being left alone.

[Rennie]

Hi Lindalou. Nice to hear from you Thank you x

Yes, I'm still with my partner. He finds me being like this very difficult to understand. And I'm convinced he'll leave eventually. The last month there 'have' been problems with his ex wife and his children. (They have been divorced 10+ years) This has made me feel insecure and fuelled my anxiety to some extent.

I, like you, am worried about being left alone. I'm not from the area I live, I have no family close by. I struggle in big groups and hate nights out drinking in busy places, so I tend to make excuses if asked. Hence I don't mix as much as I should.

[bonkerswoman]

Hi Rennie, blinking 'eck - you have had a rough time. Just want to say that there is definitely nothing and no-one 'normal'. What you are experiencing is totally 'normal' for some-one who has suffered like you have. Perhaps you should aim for acceptance and contentment before you try happy. So hard, I know, but I hope you make it, love. Keep in touch. This site is a great support.xxx