I feel like I've always been unhappy. Had a difficult childhood, but so do many people! Had 3 different fathers by the time the 3rd one left, when I was 18. Early relationships were destructive and very violent.
I married almost 20 years ago, I'd known him a very brief time, but I thought It was special, different and exciting.
He was mentally abusive throughout the marriage. I stayed, we worked together, had a business. Then I had children. It got worse...still, I stayed.
By now I was taking prescribed anti depressants. Had counselling, CBT.
That was 5 years ago.
I found he'd been having an affair with my son's school friend's Mother. He left. I really wanted to kill him. The pain turned very quickly to real hate. Pure hate, which kept me going. He did to me what I'd seen happen to my own mother with my father...The hate fed me....I seemed to the outside world more in control than I'd ever been. I felt I was free.
For a year I dated...the internet was my life line. I dated (shall we call it) a lot!
I meet a nice guy, after 6 months he moved in. Great with the kids. All seemed wonderful. Normal problems. But it was good, till 6 months ago... the depression crept back, slowly at first. Good days and bad.
The last month has been hell. I'm not taking the tablets the doctor has given me. I know I'll loose a bit of myself when I do start medication...
Every little problem is the end of the world. I'm so angry and see no way out of the black hole I've fallen into. So lonely, and feel damaged beyond repair. I look around at 'normal' people, normal lives and wonder what it is like to live without this pain inside my chest. The constant chatter of my own thoughts...reminding me I'll never be happy.
Would I know happy if I was it? Am I not allowing myself to BE happy? Why has the anxiety returned?