I can't stop myself from falling

This is how I feel. Like I am taking a tumble down a huge hill, and every time I think I'm going to stop, something happens that makes me realise I am still falling. A feeling that things in my life are getting broken rather than getting fixed. I've had a good couple of weeks, and a very sociable weekend. I felt I was putting my life back in order, and into perspective. But yesterday I started feeling uncomfortable after a chat with my boss at work. I had a panic attack and went to see my doctor straight away who prescribed me something.

I walked to work with the light buzz of the tablet this morning and the dread of facing my colleagues. With a feeling of dread that the depression is going to continue. Things are going to get worse. Sure enough at work I was told that I should take some time off for health reasons - as I am a temp I have effectively being sacked. And so I am still falling.

I know things will not get better on their own and that I will have to work hard. But I feel like I have tried so much, failed, and I am sick of getting up again. Only to perhaps make the same mistakes, and feel the same failure. I now dread what tomorrow will bring.

3 Replies

  • Hi nena

    I can totally relate to the falling feeling. If you look at my post "thank you for the information" yesterday you will see where I was last year. I felt like I was being dragged under water and the harder I fought the further down I sank. It's a horrible feeling. My doctor made me stop and signed me off work. I needed to stop fighting and learn to be kind to myself. What meds are you on and has your doc referred you for any counselling or therapy? Often the coping mechanisms we have work for a while but need updating as we get older. I know how hard it is but you can get through this. I hope this helps. Keep blogging... There's some lovely people on here who understand love eve x

  • Hi Eve, Thanks for your comment - it is really comforting to know that you understand that feeling too. I like your underwater analogy, it really does explain the feeling well; the helplessness in fighting back. Also, its nice to know someone reads these blogs and cares!

    I have been attending counselling for 5 weeks and it has really helped. My counsellor wants to do CBT with me. I only went to the doctor yesterday. He gave me Lustral/Sertraline. I'm pretty shaken that I had a panic attack at work. Even more now that I have lost my job over it.

    I'm glad things have improved for you, and it has really given me hope. I'm a bit scared as its early days in terms of medication and counselling. But everyone on here seems really nice. Its a cosy community that I am glad I have been welcomed into.

  • You are welcome and the site has some lovely people who understand. The helpless feeling will go as you get stronger but it takes time and patience. I fought so hard and got frustrated too but remember that your health has to come first. At one stage I described to my doctor the feeling of being dragged to the bottom of the ocean but when you hit the bottom you can start to come back up again. Once you stop fighting and accepting anxiety as part of you it gets easier. I sent for the dr Claire weekes book self help for your nerves on amazon. She explains things that make so much sense. Keep blogging people do care and understand on here love eve x

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