The things that used to inspire me no longer do. I feel totally useless and weak. I've lost a certain spark, and my ability to find distraction and comfort in other things is waning a bit. The tension is always there in varying degrees.
A few days ago I felt so much better, so I know happiness and contentment is attainable. I suffer from agoraphobia, ocd and anxiety, but until recently they were all manageable. I only travel within certain parameters so the agoraphobia was largely ignored, but I'd really tried to challenge my ocd. well, some parts of it anyway. The hand washing was still a factor, but other little rituals were being confronted.
But the anxiety has returned, and with it all the self doubt and irrationality. I'd forgotten how much a panic attack can knock you for six. I feel ill, I'm not eating much, and sleep is at a bare minimum. I hate feeling like this. Its so dehumanising. It dilutes all your confidence, and I want that back.
I feel like I'm letting it in, that I'm punishing myself. When I think I'm settling I come up with another thing to worry about, so reassurance often feels elusive. Its getting better in small ways, but I feel so negative sometimes. I want to stop being my own worst enemy!
My family are so supportive, and I love them dearly, but I can't keep burdening them with this.
Sorry for going on, but I've woken up feeling tense, so I thought writing this might help.