I'm struggling again today :( - (rant)

[Blunderbuss_bumpkin]

ugh I feel like shit again. Today I feel like I'm on the edge of the cliff and just something small could push me over the edge and I'll fall back down into the abyss. I'm doing my best to just get through the day and stay occupied but it's tough, I've survived 3 hours already but I need to do a lot more before tomorrow comes. I just want to breakdown crying and crawl under my bed again but I know I can't. I'm doing my best not to let the pain show on my face but it's difficult when I feel so sad, hopeless, miserable and useless. I just want to give up the fight, let the illness win, let it take what it wants from me and leave me as debilitated mess.

I think my friend blocked me from everything I don't know why cause they wont message me to tell me, they were ghosting me for so long before this too. It's been so long since I've seen them and I just want to know what they're up to and that they're okay. I don't know if they want nothing to do with me, if they're ashamed to be associated with me, if they're embarrassed to know me, if I give them anxiety. I don't know if there is anything I can do about it. I don't know if they plan on unblocking me or if this is permanent. I don't want to move on and forget about them if it's just temporary, infact I don't want to move on at all, I just don't understand what they are doing and there is no way that I can find out but I don't know what to do as a result and it's tearing me apart.

I'm not sure if it's paranoia or anxiety but I feel like they're talking to my other friends behind my back and convincing them to ghost me too. I know this person very well and I know that they're a very good person but I doubt myself and what I know about them and whether what they're doing really is for the best. I just don't know what to do and I don't understand and I know that in a few days I'll be feeling better and wont be worrying about this but I am right now so what's the point!

Yeh I could just move on, I've got plenty of other friends and I'm sure that I'll make many more over my life but it's just not the same. I don't know why but they are all that I can think about, like there is nothing else quite like them.

I got my medication dosage increased a few days ago, Venlaflaxine up to 225mg, I hope it will have a stronger effect because I'm on 150mg right now and I'm still a wreck, albeit better than before. I also called the mental health practitioner this morning and I guess the diagnosis is officially BPD but I'll keep looking to get the most accurate diagnosis so I can get the best treatement. I'm just so fucking sick and tired of it. I always feel like no-one is taking me seriously, maybe because I am always presentable and people expect me to look or sound like a total wreck, whatever happened to "Mental Illness is invisible". The NHS is collapsing and I can't even get on a waiting list for a phychiatrist, even if it takes 6 more months, I don't care just please stop with this half-arsed treatment because my life is wasting away and I am in so much pain everyday! At this point I don't wake up everyday hoping I was dead but hoping I was euthanised. Life fucking sucks, I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow, just need to get through today.

[Agora1]

Like they say "one day at a time" but it sure stinks having to go through

the day before you feel better. Also give the increased dosage some time to

reach full efficacy. My best to you xx

[Celtic27]

Hi blunderpuss I was going to say I take venlafaxine 225mg and find it does help just wait a little while till you've been taking it and you while see a difference in the dosage if not ask your doctor ! When you are struggling getting through the day have you tried meditation there's loads on line I recommend Glenn Harold he's on Facebook and you tube give it a try you may be surprised ! The fact about getting to see a physiatrist the wait is the same every where I think, I had one but he left to go to another job and I got a new one it was a women but I've not seen her yet only spoke to her on the.phone she only seem intent in reducing my meds which I said I wasn't happy with I've not heard from her for months ! I wish you all the best and that you have a merry Christmas 🎅

[Frankie24]

I think you we all get very tired of things at times whether it be chronic mental health or physical concerns or both. Hoping things are lookin up soon.

[Toddzen]

Depression is a tough disease to live with. I take 300 mg of Venaflaxine and Seroquel. I find listening to guided meditation helpful. The app is called Waking Up.