My dad talked to me about dating for ... - Anxiety and Depre...

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My dad talked to me about dating for the first time and I'm 30 years old

Kainan profile image
21 Replies

I honestly didn't think he would ever talk to me about this. He's works as a researcher and have always put his work first and foremost. If he's not talking to me about his work, he would talk to me about history or politics. I get that it would never have occurred to him to talk to me about a topic like this. Or maybe it's my fault for not asking him earlier. Basically, his point was that he thought I should start dating. He doesn't know this, but it's not like I haven't tried. Just nothing came about, either online or in person. I feel like it gets harder and harder as I get older. I can't expect it to be like high school or college. Women my age or around my age are probably looking for a serious commitment from the jump and settle down immediately and have a family and everything that comes with that, which I know I cannot provide right this minute and I don't really want to have children. So, that's a big hurdle that I'm up against. I would love to just have a conversation with someone and get to know them a little in person but getting to that point has always been an issue. I get it life happens and things don't always pan out. My dad also asked me, in a slightly sarcastic but firm tone, if I wanted to die alone. Which, of course, I don't if I had a choice. But it's not really in my hands. I recently watched this series Love on the Spectrum in which this 63-year-old, having been single his whole life, is looking for love. He is a happy person, but his life looks rather empty. So, yes it happens; maybe I will be him one day only very depressed. People have told me not to worry that I'll find someone, that they're out there blah blah blah. But I start to worry when even my dad, as conservative as he is, starts to.

21 Replies
Blueruth profile image
Blueruth

Caveat...I'm 55 and have never found someone. I go back and forth about trying because truthfully I like my boring independence. I'm not sitting at home. I travel solo, make friends to go to movies or hiking with etc, etc. My yoga is as much about community as it is about health. I do art and have hobbies. However I wonder if I should have made it more of a concerted effort. It isn't too late but I hate having that "haven't dated in a while" conversation. In today's world the chances you meet the one at the "market" are astronomically low. You have to make it into something akin to a job hunt which sounds cold. You are unlikely to marry the first one because you are learning what you like. So if you want that for yourself i wouldn't worry about the end goal and just have fun.

BTW... you aren't that unusual. Read All the Single Ladies. Women have been incrementally finding their independence for decades. Not just women... LGBTQ too. That book is about history not what it sounds like. The most important advice I can give is to get your own property.

Kainan profile image
Kainan in reply to Blueruth

I feel that way. nothing so far 30 years in. No stories to tell or reminisce about. I certainly don't expect to marry the first; just want to try the dating thing. I do many activities already as I live by myself, would be fun to share that with someone.

Blueruth profile image
Blueruth in reply to Kainan

Agreed. I keep meaning to set up an account on bumble… who knows I’m going to a coffee meetup tomorrow. I love coffee!

Kainan profile image
Kainan in reply to Blueruth

That’s good. Meetups can be really fun. Have a good time!

Experiment626 profile image
Experiment626

There are plenty of people who dont want children these days so that's not uncommon. Dating, finding someone is the most organic thing, so that's up in the air and we just roll with it. If you want to make it happen then just like anyone else, perfect your resume to compete with millions of people on dating websites. Good luck man

Kainan profile image
Kainan in reply to Experiment626

Thanks, I've tried. I feel like they are rigged against someone like me. Chances are very slim or next to nothing. Its not the best use of my time

Midori profile image
Midori in reply to Kainan

Hi Kainan. I've been resolutely single for the past 30 years. It gets a little lonely on occasions, but I have so much to do I don't really have time to be lonely.

I was bringing up my 2 kids from my my very abusive marriage (too much to talk about), and now My daughter is off my hands it's great, just having my son to talk with and occasionally argue with. He is my carer, but he has time to go out and socialise, so I don't feel I'm holding him back.

I don't push him and leave things to his own good sense. If he wants a partner, I don't mind. I don't own him.

Cheers, Midori

AnxiousSilver profile image
AnxiousSilver

I think your dad means well, but (IMO) the worst thing thing that you can do is get serious and married just to make him happy. (& I'm sure you know that already, but it's still good to hear)

Kainan profile image
Kainan in reply to AnxiousSilver

you're correct, I couldn't do that and I don't want to

Googoodollsfan profile image
Googoodollsfan

Hi Kainan. I don’t know what to say to help. Just thought I would say hello.

Kainan profile image
Kainan in reply to Googoodollsfan

Hey Googoodollsfan , how’s it going?

Googoodollsfan profile image
Googoodollsfan in reply to Kainan

It’s going all right. Glad my nephew left from visiting here.

Kainan profile image
Kainan in reply to Googoodollsfan

👍👍

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child

The percentages of people marrying later in life are high. You definitely do not need to go online to a dating site to find a date. Theres lots of people offline ans places you could go to get a date. Just get yourself out there to different places and I don't mean bar's. That's the last place I'd tell you to go. When you see someone you'd like to know take a deep breath and say hello etc...you're a great guy. Right now your focus is your studies and 30 is young. When you're out there after you're finished and working, trust me, you'll meet more than you realize. It's being in the right place at the right time. I recently read an article on where to meet people offline. Google it. There's lots of places. Bookstores, cafe's parks, walking tracks, work, gyms, library,

Stay cool today! 😎 It's a hot one.

LC 🌛

Kainan profile image
Kainan in reply to Luna_Child

Thanks Luna, you’re right. Right time right place. I do go to a lot of places just for myself, and not with the intention of meeting someone. I’ve gotten better with initiating conversation and I had chats with a lot of people

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to Kainan

Exactly. Saying hello is the way to go. It's a start. Bookstores like Barnes & Noble with the Cafe get more action than the bar scene on Fri & Sat night. You don't want the bar scene and oh please don't go online even though some people have had good experiences. Its just because I know what you're about. You can meet anyone fantastic anywhere.

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to Kainan

That's when it happens. No expectations

Kainan profile image
Kainan in reply to Luna_Child

No I don’t go there cuz I don’t drink and it’s loud. Rather go to the library. The cafe there is also a good idea. Went back to the central rock gym nearby and it’s great l haven’t climbed in a while. I like walks outside but i get that no one wants to be bothered

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to Kainan

Yes not into bars either, never was.

Online dating sites give good options to choose what people want. It’s okay, not for you. Join local fun group activities. Make friends. Don’t give out creepy guy vibe. Done.

Kainan profile image
Kainan in reply to

Thanks I’ll try not to 👌

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