My backpack

[Bentleybexley39]

Had a medical emergency last night with my dog and emailed my boss at 1a saying I needed Tuesday off. I didn’t provide details as he doesn’t need to know that, just that I had an emergency and I would try and check my emails as much as I could. 7a he texted me and said take the full day and not worry about anything or my emails. So I spent the morning at the vet just focused on my pup. Then they took him back for testing and I had 3h with nothing to do, but worry about my dog. I brought my laptop with me just incase it was gonna take forever, and of course it did. I ended up logging into my work emails and joining the team call. My boss gave me some subtle attitude when he saw I was on the call and that he thought I was on PTO. I said I was but had time to kill. I sat in Starbucks for a while catching up on emails. Got the call to pick up my pup. Thank god nothing super serious (that we know of). On the drive home I was worried about my dog, but my mind just kept going back to work. And getting behind and all the stuff I have to do. I worked so late on Friday when we are allowed to leave two hours early… I didn’t, and worked until 9p. And felt good that things were on schedule.

Now…. I’m panicked that I’m behind again. 6 months into corporate life and I’m so messed up. I heard that working corporate was different but I never imagined it like this. I worked at my last job for 13 years I was the best and knew it all. Now I’m the newest and know nothing… my “trainer” basically just ghosted me and gets annoyed when I ask questions. I’m 100% positive that an auto email went out incorrectly this afternoon. I have been asking her and others how to ensure it was right, all of them hardly even answered half of my questions and pushed me off to other people. A director who Is my client, is out today and knew this email was going out. She is going to be so pissed off tomorrow when she gets all the complaints. Bonus — she already doesn’t like me.

So my anxiety is sky high. I have the urge to get into my emails but I also want to actually be able to unplug. Idk how I can unplug when my mind is running. One thing to note is that tomorrow morning I am on PTO from a prior approval months ago. Seeing my psychiatrist… ever since I took this job, we have almost completely changed or increased the meds (did get diagnosed with ADHD, which makes sense). I just want my brain to stop… it never does. I worry about everything. Even on the ADHD meds, my mind is all over the place.

Anyone have tricks to turn your mind off?? No, not meditating or mindfulness…. Having a mind that doesn’t stop running, continues running when I force myself to sit still and try to focus on the moment… can’t do it, tried so many times. Did the breathing techniques and they don’t work I end up hyperventilating every time.

I just feel defeated. I’m falling back into my depression hole… my ex who I haven’t talked to in 2 years texted me on Saturday. It was so easy to just respond and try to get him to help me feel better…. But! I remembered he is a narcissist and is trying to suck me back in. I’m happy to say I deleted his text and never responded. I know that pissed him off

So it’s just me and the pup (sleeping and drugged on meds), and I’m staring at my backpack with my laptop in it…… the emails…. The constant reminder that I can’t please anyone…… that I haven’t caught on yet, and fear that they regret hiring me….. good news is that they are so short staffed they would be dumb to fire me because my position was open for 6 months before me. So I guess that’s a sorta win… well maybe not. Working somewhere where they want to get rid of you but can’t…. Been there done that, very toxic and fuck my head up. I think I’m dragging a lot of that trauma into this job. Feeling unworthy. I feel like a child! Not an adult, hell I don’t even know what an adult is supposed to feel like. I’m in my 30s and feel like I have been hiding in a hole for the last 13y and am now learning how to function, while beating myself up and very visibly showing everyone I talk to my lack of confidence and low self esteem.

Really, rather than tips to stop my mind, I would love tips on how to be more confident. Depression has messed me up so bad. I never believe anyone when I get praise or a compliment, I feel like it’s all a lie. I feel worthless… and alone. Which is a story in itself… been betrayed so many times by people who were close to me, I trust no one and feel like everyone is out to get me and see me fail. I know that isn’t true…. Well I want to believe it isn’t true….

Basically, I’m messed up. Alone and I don’t trust anyone. Just me, the pup, anxiety, depression, and ADHD…. Staring at my backpack.

[Loves22read]

(((Hugs)))

[Louie35]

Im sorry to hear all this, you should tell your boss what happened exactly so your mind can rest as far as that goes. Outside of that try to focus how far you've come. You deleted your exs message, took care of your pup and cought up on work. Take it easy, you're doing great!