A glimpse into my life...

[RODEOGAL]

It's hard, you know, struggling to get through a day, some you wonder if you're going to make it through, often I've asked myself WHY am I struggling to make it to another day that I know is going to be same? WHY am I struggling to get through these painful days? Well, I have my son. 14 years old and knows everything and is right about everything, and I'm mom...I don't know anything at all but I have a sole purpose to ruin his life. Everything in our life.. everything wrong in his life is soley my fault because of my health and just because I'm mom I guess. He is always angry with me and has no problem telling me what a horrible mom I am because we had to move in with my friends for a while and that took us out of the town we did live in, therefore, it took him out of that school district so he wouldn't be attending the same highschool as his friends. I understand that sucks. I did and have been doing everything I can to keep him there. I failed. Mind you, the highschool he wants to go to is extremely huge and chance of him even seeing his friends? Slim to none, in my opinion. He tells me he don't respect me, that was not a shocker...but kind of a slap in the face, all the same.

I have my mom....who was too focused on her own life and broken marriage and doing whatever it took to keep from losing her cheating husband, all in the name of financial security, to know I existed. Stay out of the way, don't make waves, don't fuss, keep your mouth shut and be "my little excuse" for why we would drive around town stalking her opponent. It was no use telling her anything that happened to me, she wouldn't hear me, or give me the time to tell her and my sperm donor was probably right...she wouldn't believe me. Just like present day, because I'm not missing any limbs or deformed or mutated in some fashion, I am fine. There is nothing wrong with me. I'm just lazy and don't want to work. Other than my list of mental health problems going on, because I only just stepped out of the closet and took a little bit of the exhausting mask off and showed pieces of 'me', I have also been diagnosed with brain seizures. It took almost 9 years, so much frustration and 5 neurologist to find it. They are the kind that make me stare off and become unresponsive for a few minutes...time for the fluctuate. Most importantly, I'm 99.9% of the time very confused and disoriented when I come out of them, I won't know where I am or why, I have not known who my best friend was a few times for a bit. And most of that entire day becomes lost time for me. Something that might have only went on for...max 15 or so minutes (they aren't supposed to go really over 30 secs yo a minute, but this is me and I'm not text book. The seizures cause permanent migraine, I've grown tolerant to them to the point it's as if they didn't exist, my objective is to prevent them from what I call exploding. That puts me down for a good easy 3-5 days of pain and sick. I have been prescribed everything under the sun for them, even botox, but because they aren't typical migraines, nothing wirks. Ibuprophen...lits if it. And yes, other things as well, anything I can do ir use or take for even rhe most instant temporary relief from head pain to emotional pain to everything in between, I'm not above doing. My seizures also cause damage to my brain...my memory...my thought process, decision making...logic..all that has been significantly hindered. My seizures are frequent and unpredictable and we haven't found a trigger.According to my mom, I'm lazy. I have worked, like most I'm sure, since I was 14...babysitting, errands..anything to make my own money. Thats always been important to me. Independence and knowing everything I had and I did was because of me. I couldn't rely on anyone else. I completely forgot now or have diminished any reasons I continue this hell journey.

MY HORSE! I can't imagone my life without horses. Both of my mares were rescuesand my 1st girl I got had really gone through it in her early young life, you could tell...so we were a pair. It took a little for us to bond, she instantly adopted my son. Lol Man, she turned out to be one of the most amazing, incredible and coolest living beings I had ever witnessed. And she became not just my best friend, but my soul. Her passing away was devastating to me. That was a whole new physical pain. A year later I found the girl I have in my life now. We bonded within 30 secs of meeting. Something about her was so familiar..I feel my 1st girl with her..like we are together again and she brought my current beautiful best friend i to my life. She makes it worth fighting to get to the next day. She is my calm. She gets me.

Music plays such a very important role in my life. It says what I can not, it makes me feel as if I'm not alone in this. Or at least not the only one struggling like I do. The wars in my head, can be so verbally violent, they could be a good match with the constant voices. The music drowns the voices out 90% of the time, the other 10% of the time is just really hard to deal, sometimes to a point I could possibly be institutionalized.

Back to the music, bands I listen to: five finger death punch, Jelly Roll, Citizen Soldier, Mass of Man, Godsmack, Disturbed, Blue October....just to name a few on my playlist. I have several untitled and unorganized playlists...but I can tell you what's what.If anyone has made it to the end of this long, excruciating babble of nonsense....thank you. Oh and yes, I do have a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Maybe one day, after another 33 years I will find the ability to talk about what happened, or see a reason to. I will say this, that spring break when I was 11...my soul was stolen from me, I lost my father and my question of life and struggles to keep finding reasons to struggle another hellish day, I have tried and I can't just get over it.

I guess I'm just a hot mess. I'm adding 2 pictures. Top picture is my current love, Katie and bottom picture is of my 1st girl, Skinny.

Both were rescues and experienced trauma thenselves. We get eachother.

[Marysblue]

Beautiful horses. Youre so lucky to have them.I love music too.

I believe things will get better.

[Roxylox]

Welcome RODEOGAL Certainly wasn't a babble of nonsense. You tell your story very clearly. You have had it tough, and are still having it tough

Our children can be very judgy of us.

Sometimes it feels like they can only see our faults, that can be heartbreaking.

I am glad you have your music, your partner and your horse.

I really found your post gripping.

[RODEOGAL in reply to Roxylox]

Thank you for your support. No partner. Single mama here🙋‍♀️ Yes, sadly I have not done a such a stellar job of parenting him as I wanted or should have, which in turn does him nor me any justice now. I can still remember when he was born thinking to myself...I have zero clue how to raise a child but I have 2 examples of how not to...I still feel like I have and am failing him. And the thing is...I can talk to my friends or my mother, basically people who's kids are grown or who don't have kids, and there gas always been 2 parents in the home if there were kids, and they have all kinds of advice about how I'm not being tough enough and I need to do this and that and the other thing. And anything I say, I'm just making excuses. It's primarily been been him and me and my mother. He has grown up to my mother consistently saying I was parenting wrong. Everything I was doing was wrong. And she wasn't cool about it. She is very judgey, that's where he gets that from. So his low opinion and lack of confidence in me as a mom started from early on. I certainly didn't help, because I never stood up for myself because I don't think high enough of myself. Sge myst be right, right? His biological dad luves in a different state so only visited him 1-2 a year. Would come down thurs-sun and out of those 4 days see his son maybe 8 hours total? Not sure what he did the rest of the time, probably drinking and gambling at the dog track, don't care. Never calls or texts otherwise. Good male role for his son, huh. But boy, when he would be here he wanted my son to dote on him like he was daddy of the decade. The pandemic has saved him from havinf to visit his son too. So now he hasn't had any contact with his son at all.

My son....he is something else, that kid. Unbelievably smart. IQ off charts, honors student...one of those kids that never cracks a book open and aces ever...makes you sick kind of kid. But not just book smart, wit smart. Tech smart, everything this kid touches he masters and makes it look like a piece of cake on the first try. He can literally do whatever he wants to, but he don't want to because he is angry and spiteful. He knows the one thing that will hurt me is him not living up to his potential and finding something he is passionate about to go after so he will make a living , not get a job. I want him to be HAPPY and to have love in his heart. And I don't see that and it saddens me and scares me. Did I break him like I've been broken??? I Never ever wanted to make my son unhappy. I really gate being a single mom. This really sucks. I really f$#% hate his dad right now, out there, living his bachelor lifestyle, no cares to give, at all. While I want to find a bridge to jump iff most days because I feel like the worst mom in the world.

Anyway, that's that.

[Midori]

Hi there,

I Love your horses. I'm a horsy type myself and I have 2 kids, fortunately now adults.

14 year old boys can be the pits. Hormones, acne, and think they know it all, better that you who have lived it. It should ease as he matures and finds it's not as easy as he thinks!

I have a grandson who is 13 now, I don't see my daughter or him, for some strange reason she thinks I did something appalling to her father, who committed suicide when she was just short of 4.

I'm disabled, and my son is now my carer.

Do you live with your Mother? Shame you didn't go to CPS when you were younger; sounds as if she's off her rocker! Not surprising you have issues, with her fixation on her rival. She seems to blame you as my daughter does me.

If you are still with her call CPS about your son, could be one reason he says he doesn't respect you. He could be taking cues from her. I can understand him being upset that he's not still among his friends. Can be difficult to make new pals at that age, and he's acting out because of it. I think he resents having to move.

The seizures, probably something we call absence seizures, but odd yours take so long. (sorry, retired nurse here!) I had a friend who had that kind of seizure, but his were here and gone in a couple of minutes.

I hope some of this might ease your mind a little.

Cheers, Midori

[Daveacr1959]

Would you try this? It helps me. Get 6-8 hours of sleep each night. Before you get out of bed do the Wim Hof guided breathing exercises free on you tube. You can do it before a meal too . Laying down is better than sitting up. After your shower rinse in cold water for 5 minutes. It’s ok if you have to lower the temperature gradually. Get 40 minutes of cardio exercise daily to produce endorphins. And please try to love yourself. If you can’t love yourself nobody else will. I talk to the creator or god . I ask for help because I am stuck too . I don’t even know you, but I care about you. And I want you to try the things I said because they help. When you are done with a good nights sleep think about how good you feel. Same thing with the breathing exercises trust me. And the cold shower does incredible things!! And my favorite is the daily cardio exercise. I feel better after this .

[RODEOGAL in reply to Daveacr1959]

I want to 1st say thank you. I don't know why they last so long? And why I have them as oftwn as I do. I was prone to landing on my head when I was a kid, I was not graceful. In fact, a couple of my friends and I were talking earlier today about this...I think it's the crown of your head or close to it, kinda the top back starting to go down part of your head? I always thought everyones was like mine, so I never questioned it and no one in my damily said anytjing, but its flat there, actually it dips in just a tad. Lol my mom said I fell out of the car on to my head when I was learning to pull myself up, maybe its from that, I dont know, she dont know. She wasn't concerned. She said she didn't take me to the dr. Anyway, I've necer been a steanger to head injuries .

Oh! I completely get my son being mad about moving schools...I was queen of new schools. I keep rephrasing what he says to I know it sucks really bad that we had to move and tniw you will be going to a new school. Since you will be going here dont you agree giving people here a chance is fair? It would suck to miss out on meeting cool people at a school you're slready going to because you're mad. Have fun!

He is so damn stubborn.

He stayed at my moms for a few months. I have been going back n forth, do I talk to my mom about her role in the damage to my psychy, to my life, my sons and my son and my relationship or would it even matter. It won't fix me. It wont make the voices go away. Those aren't from her, but I couldn't go to her for help with them. I had to fight them and conceal them by myself. And pretend to be her daughter. She wasn't abusive. Don't get me wrong. She just wasn't present. She didn't care. I didn't exist. I was not priority.

[misslillie]

Your horses are beautiful. Many years ago I had a horse. I loved Sugar. We rode the barrels together. Keep your horse in your life if at all possible. They are a special experience that you will remember forever. Something magical in the craziness of life.

[RODEOGAL in reply to misslillie]

I so very much agree. I don't know where I would wirhout them. I looked forward to seeing Skinny everyday and now I look forward to seeing my Katie. There are days, if I am sick and just cant come, that really bum me out, but I soend more time when I get back. What I love about Katie is her and I clicked about 30 seconds of meetings. She definitely had her own personality. Since she has been here, While keeping her own personality, she has really took on A LOT Skinnys personality. I feel like I have them both.

[misslillie]

I treasure my time with animals. Spent my life interacting with people who generally devalued me. More out of ignorance than malice. So I had enough of people. Work, survival, school and such occupied my life. Now I can explore relationships with animals. More interesting and less stressful I think.

[RODEOGAL in reply to misslillie]

Exactly. Animals don't have the ability to discriminate. Animals only know to be honest and truthful in their beings. Humans are the ones who knowingly lie, deceit, judge and purposely hurt others