Anger into desperation: Sadness turns... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Anger into desperation

Starrlight profile image
20 Replies

Sadness turns to anger

Anger to desperation

I’m never happy anymore

Nothing touches me this day

Just grey all the words I speak out

I think long and hard about killing myself

Then I hate myself

Because that would kill my boys

I love them

So at least I have love

Love underneath the pain and I can’t get out of

Maybe that’s enough to go on through

Day dreaming about killing myself

May be enough

Hugging and being the best mom I can

This person I hate yet is so loved by family

I don’t understand

I hate myself to the core

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Starrlight profile image
Starrlight
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20 Replies
c-mac profile image
c-mac

These are feelings brought about solely by the whacked out chemistry in your body right now. Bear it, and it will pass, no matter how real it seems!

I can relate, sad to say I am loosing my site, and I need four operations, they have been saying it will take a year to start treatment although I have an appointment in March because I am getting worse very quickly now

Good luck Starrlight

BOB

Kkimm profile image
Kkimm in reply to

Hi BobI'm so sorry to hear about your sight problems.

I really hope your operations go well. You have alot on your plate at present.

Am I right in thinking that you and I shared a few posts and replies about Lincoln where I had just had a city break maybe a year or too ago. I think you had lived there.

Very best wishes.

Kim

in reply to Kkimm

I hav spent time in Lincoln in my early days, although never lived there.

I may have discussed that area with you although with my memory being so bad, Life is fast becoming a bit of a dream

BOB

Shnookie profile image
Shnookie

Hi it’s Shnookie. Your life is precious. The love you have for your children will help U get thru this tough time. U can also contact the Suicide Prevention Hotline 800-273-8255. They R very supportive and easy to talk to. Can U get in touch with your therapist? Maybe some of your meds can be tweaked. I’m here 4 U. U can

PM me.

Hugs 🤗 S ❤️😎💪

Kkimm profile image
Kkimm

Hi StarDo sorry to hear how bad you are feeling at the moment. Know that it will pass.

Talk to your doc about your medication. I know you were thinking of going off it. If you started the weaning off process perhaps that is why these negative thoughts have started to kick in.

Perhaps you need your meds and should go back on them. You are a much loved person by your family and by us all on this forum.

I will be thinking of you.

Kim

mauv profile image
mauv

You hate the disease and you are not the disease. The negative thoughts are the depression. The lack of concentrating, thinking g and focusing is the disesse. We have to hang on and know when the brain chemicals are restored we will be out of the depression. Get a good therapist anddon’tstop coming to this support group. You help others when you can and they help you when they can. We are not all in a depression at the same time. I have been in one since Dec22 due to a very hard circumstance. We all have a lot of love to give to each other. Mauv

Nina2016 profile image
Nina2016

Dear Starrlight, please try to stop thoughts of suicide. What we think can turn into what we believe and act upon. I’m sorry you are suffering with self hate. I know that place. There is a very helpful book tho hard to find by Dr Theodore Ruben/Rubin called “compassion and self hate” if you can find it you may take comfort in it and find it helpful. Love and hugs to you during this time of hurt 😞 💕 💗

Nina2016 profile image
Nina2016

Shoot I just wrote a Whole thing and it went away when I put this picture in anyway this book is really awesome for me to get through times when I was self hating much love and hugs to you right now hold on this will pass

Book cover
Dolphin14 profile image
Dolphin14

⭐️

This showed up on my morning meditation. Just thought I would share it.

I know you hate your meds. I'm not sure where you are in your process but you are changing you chemistry right now, This is a very difficult time as your body adjusts.

We are all here for you. You are special, you are loved, you are needed by many. Your family knows you love them. Write a list of why they love you. When you write that list you are going to see why you are worth fighting for. In that list you are going to see your positive traits.

Lots of love to you

❤️🐬

One day at a time
photobeats profile image
photobeats

Love the poem. There is something to be said about how deep you dug into that pain. This reminded me to write. I need to dig into my pain & get it all out. I've been having some cruel winter writer's block as of late. Usually I would read other people's poetry and that would jog it out of me to write and the words would flow. I haven't let myself do that lately because I figure I would be blocked up and nothing would happen. So I logged in here today and this pops up and now I can feel my inspired self itching to write. I am sorry to read about the way you are feeling, however, In spite of your hellish pain; you inspired me to start writing. I thank you for that gift. Please keep going and use your writing as a tool to push through it.

Midori profile image
Midori

Now you are feeling the anger it is time to channel it towards a positive out come. You can do it! I did.

Cheers, Midori

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight

I’m scared weak and crying non stop. Sorry Ihavent written back to each of you beautiful people. I still want to go from this world and the torture I see of life if my perception and think it will have to be an accident or on a day when I a in a fight because I could barely stop myself. It’s scary it’s cruel it’s wrong. But here I am in it. I spoke with my psychiatrist today. He said I will start feeling better. I told him I want to try Lexapro even though he said I already tried it. Fuck. Where is God? I feel hate. So maybe he is blocked from me if hHe exists. I am nothing. I don’t need to be here. I will wait a week and see how I feel. Then I may go on Lexapro. Then I may bring death closer to me through my thoughts and beliefs. I am crying and raging. I’m not the me I thought I was. I don’t know who I am. Why do you care? Thanks for caring none the less. I fixed stew with carrot cabbage onion potato salt pepper with vegetable broth. I do this with love for my family as I day dream about ways I could go. Maybe in the Spring.

You are far from weak, Starrlight. The amount of courage it takes for a person to cope with all that you are coping with far surpasses weakness. 💗

You are something, you are someone, you most surely matter, and you are loved.❤️

Crying is a release, keep the tears flowing. They are not, and never will be, a sign of weakness.

It doesn't matter if you reply to each one of us, it only matters that you keep coming here and sharing your struggles with us. 🙏🏻

lfallis profile image
lfallis

I can certainly relate. I have a 17 year old son and he keeps me going. I tell myself all the time you're a stronger and better person for enduring this. And so are you. I think how easy it would be to give up but people need us. And God has a plan for your life and mine. I just do a lot of praying asking for God's help. He helps me even if it's just for today...

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to lfallis

That touches me- I feel exactly the same.

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to lfallis

I managed to get out in the sun with my boys and throw snow and I still feel like I suck. Picking up a new med soon. Fingers crossed

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to lfallis

I got furious at God today which is pretty stupid but not really because well what a big target-He’s huge lol

lfallis profile image
lfallis in reply to Starrlight

I love that you got out in the snow with your boys. They need you and kids love the time that we share with them. You know, God is my best friend. I praise him when things are going well and I yell and get disgusted when things are bad. You're right, he is a big God and can handle it.

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to lfallis

God Is A Big God -I like it

Yeah my kids are everything and I want to be attached to them forever

Snow stomping

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