Not sure where to begin. Anytime I try to post about how I’m feeling it just gets scrambled and doesn’t come out how I originally intended. I’m sure like many of you on here, I just am so sick of life. And myself. I’m tired. I’m tired of “baby steps” and things getting a little bit better and then falling back into a huge slump that makes me feel like I’ve made no progress even though I’m sure thats not true. I’m tired of the way my brain works and how I compare myself to every single fucking person.
I’ve always kind of avoided people in my life. But lately I feel like it’s gotten worse. I wanted to focus on me for once. To stop obsessing so much on everyone else around me. Whether it be in social media, my social circles online or real life. They cause me a big amount of distress. But being alone with myself has been hard and lonely too. I’ve been in such a dark place lately … and when I decided to try and be social again it also just went bad. I’m in such a negative state of mind that I don’t really know how to be positive. I can’t even fake it. I cried and broke down in front of my parents. Started with a new therapist …. And couldn’t even barely get any words out but “idk”.
And then last night, I found out something about myself I’ve been wanting to figure out for a while. I should be happy about it but at the same time all I can focus on are the negatives as always. Without going into details, I met a lovely person…. In a drunk haze and found out that her ex boyfriend committed suicide a year prior. I can’t even remember fully how I reacted or even the story she told me about him. I went into shut down mode. A night of trying to forget my problems and drink my pain away turned into finding another broken soul. I suppose it should make me feel less alone to know there are a lot of people out there suffering with similar issues to me. But it just makes me hate the world more.
I feel like I’m stuck in the place of just wanting to avoid the world and people in it (for one … the happy people make me annoyed and jealous. And the sad broken people make me sensitive and sad and shut down … ) and then when I get lonely I come out of my lonely hole… but only for a short while to vent and maybe use people as a way to bring them down and make them feel bad for me. And make myself feel worse. And back to my hole I go. I don’t know how to enjoy myself anymore. I’m just over it all.
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HealingTears
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You express yourself well. I felt the same way as you many times. It's depression. I cannot drink alcohol anymore it adds to my depression.Can you put on some music or do something that would help you relax and get your mind off things for a little bit? Watch a show you like.
I feel the same way alot, relationships are hard when you have depression. But then you get lonely. Feelings are hurt and you retreat again. Being my own best friend is a challenge. Hope things get better for us.
I’ve really been trying. I watched a bit of a show, played a game…. Tried music. Tried to practice some teachings from a life coach I’ve been listening too… but the anxiety and depression are so bad right now nothing is working. Everyrhing is just so bad right now. I actually called in sick today ( I had been sick the last few days but I’m fine today besides my mental health , but as CoVid is going on my work told me if I have respiratory symptoms up to 5 days to take it off…. So I just used that even tho I am fine today.) I’m just not ok. It’s my normal day off tomorrow so I will try and be a bit more productive. It’s getting a bit colder out but I will try and go for a walk at least. But I have no joy towards anything at the moment. It just sucks. I know I’ll come out of it eventually. I need to ride the wave but man… I know even when I come out it will be back. I don’t stay ok for long. Always come back to this place.
I actually deleted my old account on here like a week ago lol. I didn’t find it to be very helpful for me . I did make maybe two friends but the first one went badly and second one I just ruined also. I’m not so sure how great gently is to be completely honest. Not when you may have an addiction to it or use people to vent. I feel like it can be a negative thing after a while. Especially when I feel like I almost use it as a crutch. I usually go on long breaks from posting on this site and don’t really use ir for anything more. I need more positive things in my life I feel like idk
I understand how you feel. For many years I’ve avoided socializing and now I’m 50 years old and lonely. I have been trying to make myself do simple things that I enjoy. I get rewarded by doing an enjoyable activity plus the success of pushing myself to go out (I have OCD) and I tally it up as a success. What do you enjoy? I love to peruse around a bookstore.
Hi! I don’t enjoy much honestly. And the little that I do enjoy …. I hate doing when I’m at my worst. I try and do it but then I just can’t. It sucks . I’m usually ok at teyig to get simple things like feeding myself and cleaning my room done, I’ve made that a habit. But at my very worst I won’t brush my teeth or shower
I think shutting down is something I do often and I know you probabbly have hear this a million time. it gets better. I think to start i recommend focusing on the drinking. Alcohol is a depressant so it makes you feel good in the moment but after you feel like shit. I don't drink I smoke and do other stuff but I have a few months clean from doing anything that involving smoking and I fell better before I felt like I was just an object waking up doing the same thing I felt emotionless I felt numb and just hated everyone around me because I couldn't be happy if I was it dint last long. So i here if you need to vent or talk <3
I honestly have been doing a lot better when it comes to drinking lately. I’ve been trying to avoid it but it’s hard when pretty much all the people in my life drink and that’s all we do when we hangout. Sort of another reason I’ve been wanting to avoid people. I didn’t drink for about 3 weeks and I got Into a really bad mood this past week. So I asked my friend what she was up to the other night and she was going out dancing to a club. So I was like fuck it, I’m gonna go out and try and have some fun and didn’t rly care about how I’d feel even though I knew I’d feel like shit. Also, I am going to be on accutane for my acne in a couple weeks and I won’t be able to drink on it for 6-9 months. So I guess that was me just getting it out of my system. Not sure if I’m ready for it. (I don’t fully regret going out though. I have been trying to figure out for a long time whether I’m bisexual …. And I ended up going home with a girl. I am not curious anymore lol. )
I think your of to a great start. You got this! Lmaoo im glad you figured it out. I still question mine sometimes im pansexual and currently going out with a lovely person that started their transition when we started dating. I feel having an special person to be there to support you is always a good thing ( im here for support too 🙃) I already think you are a lovely person. You should be proud of yourself and cut yourself some slack. take a day for yourself or with your partner.Everyy day just think of one positive thing just one even if your day was shitty. Your brain get into the habit of it and you just start doing it automatically after. I wrote a lot im all over the place I hope what I said makes sense lol.
Thanks for your reply. I honestly have trouble thinking of the positives when I get into this place. Even just one. I always think of something to counter it somehow. I mean I don’t have a partner to share my time with. And don’t rly plan on it until I can figure my shit out. I don’t have much to give to someone right now.
I messed up I thought you did my bad. Im slowim always here to spread positivity. so ill make sure you have something positive to think about. I think this lace is amazing for support !!!
Also im here to support you I know it isnt much but im always available!!!
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