two years ago around this time i had my first depressive episode. im back at home for break and instead of it being restful and fun and warm, it’s isolating and stressful and depressing. i spend hours in my bed-both awake and asleep-stressing about how i know i wont achieve my goals. how i know I have all of these assignments to do, but i wont do them. i stress about the fact that i cant really move. my mom is going through her own shit but is still doing so much around the house to prepare for a thanksgiving. she needs my help and is afraid to ask for it because ive gotten mad in the past. really, me getting mad is a reflection of the frustration I feel with myself. why is everything so hard for me to do? depression makes me so lazy and selfish. i know thats not who I am at my core but it’s really hard to believe that right now. everyone around me is going through something but they seem to suck it up and engage with life. meanwhile here i am in bed, letting life pass me by.
ah the old friend :/: two years ago... - Anxiety and Depre...
ah the old friend :/
Time for me to have a bit of a rant here, from point of view of a mom of adult children. Dinner prep and cooking is practically always left to me, and l do not like it
Boring tasks like veg peeling at least could be done by them. Fine if they were studying , but eldest daughter is now working, graduated college. Weekends she comes home she spends most of her time on her phone.
Like your mother, l am afraid to ask them to help as they have blown up in the past.
In the morning of weekends in particular l face the day with dread. Extra tasks with the eldest two home and a deadline to have their clothes ready for going back again.
Yetl love having them home, but a little help wouldn't go astray.
That is the cycle we get stuck in. It seems your issue is you give up before you even try. You assume you know that you can't do anything, or you assume that because some things won't get done that means that there is nothing at all that will get done. the problem is two fold. The first there is error in your thoughts. You hold yourself back because instead of trying you say what is the point if I am just going to fail anyway. But there are two counter points. First you assume you can't do anything but if you are in school and alive clearly you are capable of some things. You don't have to be the best at everything. You don't have to do everything to perfection for it to count. You simply need to do your best. Not anyone else's best, your own best. Second, you assume failing is a bad thing but that is how we learn. We learn from mistakes and trial and error. Literally that is what science is. You form a hypothesis, run an experiment, collect the data on that experiment, then assess whether you have failed in proving your hypothesis or if you have succeeded. If you failed, that doesn't mean that everything is over and you are done forever and that nothing else can be done ever. It just means you know how more data on what doesn't work so you can get closer to what does work. Using a real world example. If you try gardening and find out you hate it or are bad at it that doesn't mean you can never find a new hobbies ever and that you are just SOL. It means that you know what you are either not good at or don't like. It's the reason why we study. We find the area's we need work in and work on them. We learn from our failures. The cycle of depression continues because you are incorrectly thinking everything must be perfect at all times so why even bother. Which leads me to the next point, that focus on the future events distracts you from what you are doing right now. You can't get started because to you it's not enough. Whereas others can see getting out of bed even when your depressed as a huge victory and they reward themselves you punish yourself by saying it's not good enough because I am not at my end goal. But that end goal takes work and you have to slowly build up to it. You don't just run a marathon without training. You don't just lose weight without exercise. You don't just get knowledge without studying or spending time to learn things. All that takes time and it's time that you need to allow yourself to get moving. It isn't going to be easy at first. It's going to suck. This is why getting out of the hole is so hard. Those early steps are just pain. That is why you have to be patient with yourself and go slow. The more you try to just jump out of the whole the more you end up trapped because you cannot just jump out. You have to go slow. Take things one day at a time. If you only get out of bed one day, even if it's just for 1 minute. That is a victory. Then do a little more the next. Strive for 1 min and 5 seconds. If that is what it takes. Then slowly add in tasks. Say brushing your teeth. Each time you reach a new threshold reward yourself. Don't condemn yourself and say things like I will never reach the end. Look at how far you have traveled and see that you are moving forward. Even if you have a bad day reward yourself and appreciate that you tried and that is still something to be proud of. Don't be so hard on yourself. Half of the issue is you burn out before you even being because everything has to be perfect. You can't have perfection all the time because it's exhausting. No one can do it. We all need breaks we all need to not be perfect for a while. It's the only way we can actually live without drowning under the weight of our own self inflected pressure.
OK., Do you know the reason you get like this? Have you seen your counselor, or a therapist? or even your doctor?
I sense demotivation here, and you are being unfair to your Mom, leaving her to do everything.
Give yourself a mental kick in the rear, and go help. You will feel better for it, and your Mom will be thankful for the help. It may even give you a warm feeling for having done it.
Cheers, Midori
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