Wishing I Was Someone Else

[-Aero-]

At one point in the recent past, I was suicidal. I overcame that dark season thanks to my dog and close friends who showed me such love and support. Yet now, even with their continued presence in my life, I feel the same self-loathing that has followed me for well over a decade. I no longer wish to die. I just want to be a different person.

This person may look a lot like me, but he has a different name and story. He is not the self-destructing, lonely man who smiles and makes his friends laugh, yet is dead on the inside. He is sure of himself and his path. He is free of the negative thoughts that bite at him in the night.

My home, my room, my hobbies, my favorite places have all been stolen from me. Each used to be a refuge from the storm of depression and loneliness, now they belong to that storm or perhaps the refuge was only an illusion. Where do I go from here?

[Kat_21]

I understand this all too well, to an extent. However, sometimes our mind gets clouded by the bad. We have to remind ourselves of the good. Are you a good owner to your dog? A good friend? Are you nice to those around you?

You have good qualities, everyone does. I know it's so hard to see them sometimes. I've learned to remind myself everyday what makes me good. "I'm not beautiful, but I'm kind."

"I'm not a perfect mother, but my child is happy and healthy." These are the things I tell myself.

What about you?

[-Aero- in reply to Kat_21]

I'm really thankful for you reaching out to me. To take the time to read my dramatic writing and offer support to a stranger is an amazing quality.

I wish I could take some solace in my good qualities. I care for my dog and my friends, always trying to be a resource to others. I think a lot of this stems from feeling neglected by others so I know what it is like to wish someone would care enough to understand me. I am a good friend and I love my dog.

I am also so broken inside that these facts do not comfort me. Positive thinking feels like the rungs on an underwater ladder that lead toward the surface, except that even when I reach the top step I am still beneath the waves wondering if I'll ever get a chance to take another breath.

[Kat_21 in reply to -Aero-]

I feel the same about wanting to be a resource. I always want to take care of everyone else. I think you're amazing. You have to be very kind to care for a dog, and understanding to be there for others so they don't suffer like you.

Try reminding yourself that those friends and your dog wouldn't be the same, may not even be here without you.

I'm not really sure how to comfort you sadly. I am still struggling currently with thoughts like yours. I've learned to manage them, but not overcome them.

However, if you need to vent, or want someone that you can say things to that you're too worried to say to your friends, I'm here for you.

I may not be able to completely help, but I can be a safe space.

[Agora1]

-Aero- Where do you go from here? Always go forward. Always look up at the vastnessof the sky above you. What happened a decade ago that made you lose yourself?

It sounds like it may have been something traumatic.

Many wish sometimes that they were a different person, but a different name as well?

It sounds complex. Your post is full of negativity. Somewhere along your path, you

died inside. Maybe you lost someone or something in your life that made you give up

on the most important person in this world, YOU.

Have you talked to a professional about your feelings? Are you on medication? Before

changing ourselves, we need to break that cycle we are in. Medication can sometime be

that band-aid that will help heal us from inside while we search for answers.

Being on this site can hopefully give you a safe space to talk while you slowly step out of

this dark hole that you are in. We are caring, understanding people who never judge because many of us have also been where you are.

Continue using this site as your ladder. We will be there with our hands out waiting to

pull you out. Rescue is near my friend xx

[hypercat54 in reply to Agora1]

What a great reply Agora. x

[cocoyellow]

I have never wished to be someone else, I like who I am as a person. But I have wished to have different surroundings such as being born to a different family, to have had a different upbringing, due to all the childhood neglect and abuse. So I kinda understand you and I can tell you not to feel bad about that. Lots of people wish they where different, physcially, mentally, spiritually. But also, don't forget to congratulate yourself of who you are. You have great virtues that have come about because of your upbringing, your struggles, your achievements, your experiences etc. So don't diminish who you are but rather celebrate it. Sending you hugs

[leaningonjesus]

helloyour writing really hit home with me, Aero.

I have been there thousands of times in m life- i personally have found the only true way out, up, through the darkest times and most traumatic experiences, to be truly lifted and free from it, is by the grace of god, coming to Him, crying out to him and developing the intimate relationship with the lord and experiencing his freeing power and love that only god can provide.

that, for me, is and has been and will be the only way out.

just a thought from a different perspective.

if you ever want to chat, im here🙏🏻

[lisa40509]

Can you think of it as a self remodel following a storm? Can you start by writing down what you want yourself (home) to look like ? Next to that list some daily ways you can encourage that change, then weekly and monthly goals. Look at yourself the way your dog does. Your dog wouldn’t care for a worthless person. Write down what makes you a good pet parent. Those qualities are you!! Muster up some anger at depression, gets some fight back. How dare it try to steal from you! Fight back! Draw your own survivor ribbon! 🎗 Every step forward is accomplishing this. Keep on moving forward, you are worth it!

[b1b1b1]

If your dog doves you , then you are a good person. Can you consider volunteering at an animal shelter?