How to deal with in laws who put you ... - Anxiety and Depre...

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How to deal with in laws who put you down?

Luna_Child profile image

Pizza 🍕 night tonight and my sister in law has had it in for me since day 1. Any suggestions or ideas for dealing with it?

Do you have an in law you have trouble maintaining a good relationship with? Do tell please.

My brother has cancelled the last several holidays over the past 5 years. It's all about she has things to do with her family. My dad the big time ☮️ keeper finally said he likes spending time with his family too.

I don't understand it. She's totally into her family and my parents have been hurt with him cutting us out of the picture.

I feel like he's writing us out of my life. Will I have a brother when my parents pass away? It seems like I won't.

I don't say anything because it's useless.

56 Replies

My dad was married to one of these women. She always wanted my dad to only spend time with her family and not his. I think part of the problem was that my dad like others would complain about certain family members. The woman he was with thought “ok you must hate your family so you never ever want to see them again.” Which is not true. Sure families can be annoying but you still love them. She hated me cause I’m a child from my dads first marriage. Plus I’m an adult. She’s told him why do you still see your daughter? She’s an adult! He told her where she can go. My dad would defy her and come over every other Sunday for lunch and a movie. That’s been our routine.

I think some people need to speak up for themselves. Sounds like your brother just wants to do the “happy wife, happy life” thing at the expense of his family. Which sucks for you. Really it boils down to him having to talk to her about it. You can’t really do anything other than talk to him about spending time with the family. Of course that’s all you can do. The rest is up to him. I know how you feel. I know I won’t have a sister when our mom passes away. She’s too stuck in her own world and tries to hard to please her boyfriend.

Great insight. Thank you. You definitely hit the spot. Yea I'm prepared to not be as involved in my brothers life someday but I have nephew's with minds of their own and I'm happy to say she'll have 3 daughter in laws! Hugs 🤗 xx

Great reply.🌻

After years if having a brother in law who I " tolerated " for many years, I decided that it wasn't worth the effort to stay silent. Long story short, I simply decided that it would be better for myself to simply cut ties with him and my sister..

Its been almost three years now and no contract what so ever. My own mental health is better for it.

I have made peace with this decision, know that I may never see my sister again as a result.

My family, what's left of it has grown further apart of the last few years.

So be it.

I know this sounds bitter. It's been a long time coming. Now it's gone and life goes on.

I guess, bottom line, at least for myself,

is whether or not to break ties and be okay with that. Or continue with the emotions turmoil and negativity?

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to

Hidden you make excellent points. I agree it's just not worth it. I can't deal with it. I don't want to deal with this. It's ashame but it is what it is. I've come to this conclusion many years ago. She only does things with her family. I plan to cut the ties someday. I do have lots of cousins I adore and I'm very close with some of them. Thank you for your insight and story about your family. Much appreciated. I thank you. Hugs 🤗 xx

in reply to Luna_Child

You're welcome. I hope this gets resolved for you soon and to your satisfaction .

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to

Thank you. I think I need to change my reaction and expectations. What do you think? If not it will pull me down into a further depression and scared for my future.

in reply to Luna_Child

Sounds like a good idea.

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to

Thank you. I try but then wham I get bamboozled.

in reply to Luna_Child

And thanks

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to

Thank YOU!

in reply to Luna_Child

Non carborundum illegetium

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to

Okay thank you ( no idea what you said..lol)

in reply to Luna_Child

Don't Let The Bastards Grind You Down

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to

I love this! I need to write it down nobody will know what I'm saying! Hah!

in reply to Luna_Child

Have fun with that👍

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to

Ha ha hi ho he he I'm going to Saturday night at Chinese night at my parents. Fun Fun Fun!

So Funny

Been there, got the t shirt lol. I had a S/I/law who was like that with my Mum, I’m afraid there are a lot of women around who just want the partner and not the family that comes with it, it’s so sad , I think it’s all down to jealousy , people like that will never be happy so we should feel sorry for them really, life is too short .

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to Arymretep

Yes she's very close to her sisters and family. I'm glad my father said something. I'm more hurt for my parents. I also believe Karma is watching over. Hugs 🤗 xx

Been there. I chose to step away from SIL and brother. She was too obnoxious. Now they are divorced and it’s much better

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to Iammesues

I hear you. Why deal with the bulls*it? It just adds to my anxiety and depression. I really tried hard inviting them over etc..didn't work. Their loss! Thank you for sharing! Much appreciated. Hugs 🤗 xx

Iammesues profile image
Iammesues in reply to Luna_Child

I took heat from my family for walking away from all family gatherings - but they eventually saw my point and knew I did the right thing. Many were jealous and wished they had done the same

Iammesues profile image
Iammesues in reply to Iammesues

What happened tonight?

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to Iammesues

It went well because my parents were there. If she had started something I wouldn't give her attention for it. That's what she wants.

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to Iammesues

Wow that's great. My extended family doesn't and won't 👎 ever get my invisible disease. One even said "Aren't you about family?" In church at a memorial service my aunt throws for all deceased family members. It took all I had to not jump over the church pew and have a go but I'm not like that but that's how much it angers me. I've chosen to not attend anymore. She takes everyone to breakfast after and when my aunt asked me I said no because I was in spasm and pain. My immediate family does understand because my sister in law my mom my nephew all have them. My sister in law is into control. She assumes without talking to me. My dad knows finally (Hallelujah!) how my sister in law can be and to bring us closer started monthly pizza nights involving immediate family, nephew's, kids and Chinese nights with my brother and sister in law and me. So Chinese night is in 3 weeks. She's busy next week and I have friends coming over on the 7th.

Yes indeed excellent sharing I so appreciate! Hugs 🤗 xx

Very true. After many years of trying I'm done.

Yes I agree

Why does this happen with in laws ? Why can't people just get along?

Iammesues profile image
Iammesues in reply to Luna_Child

Most people don’t feel the obligation to be kind. No idea why but it’s that way.

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to Iammesues

Why can't people just be family. It used to be that way growing up. I'm 58. I'm afraid I'm going to be alone someday. My cousins most of don't believe In my illness. One of my cousins wife doesn't like me because I'm close to her husband's sister and they don't talk because his wife and her own sister don't talk and she talks to my cousin. Confused? Me too. 🥴

Arymretep profile image
Arymretep in reply to Luna_Child

Families 😳🤔

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to Arymretep

Yes exactly. My sister in law starts lots of trouble.

Iammesues profile image
Iammesues in reply to Luna_Child

I understand, but times have changed. Family should be more important, but if you are not treated well by someone there is no need to stick around. Over time, I believe the person in the right comes out on top, but this may involve stepping away for quite a while. Self respect always prevails

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to Iammesues

We have some beautiful family events coming end of 2021/2022. A second Great Grandson for my parents, a Great Nephew for me etc A wedding of another nephew to which my sister in law and brother have said such nasty comments to this lovely young lady my nephew heard it and moved in with his new Fiance and her mom. He was livid. My sister in law has just turned 60 my brother 63. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU...YOU ARE BLESSED AND YOU'RE TOTALLY MESSING IT UP...FOR YOU BOTH. YOU WONT SEE THEIR CHILDREN BECAUSE YOU'RE NASTY TO THIS YOUNG LADY IN FRONT OF HER.

Then we have another Nephew who'll be getting engaged. His gf is best friends with the young lady getting all the nasty comments.

I go, congratulate, enjoy, leave, go home go to sleep. 🥴

This isn't family. When my oldest brother when at 21 married this girl at 19 who's now 60 & he's 63 the trouble started.

My parents have my nephew's and their girlfriends over once/ for breakfast/ pizza night for all of us once/month and Chinese food night for me and my brother and sister in law. My parents know family. I grew up with a big large extended family that was close now who hates who etc....my immediate family my sister in laws the problem.

It has taken me many years to learn not to force things, wether it be love, relationships, family, conversations, etc. This works beautifully when dealing with family conflict....believe me, I have been there far too many times. If it works then fine, if not, this is fine, also.

~If their absence brings you peace...you didn't lose them ~

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to

As someone said "my welcome mat is out" & yes my welcome mat is out also.

I have quite a few in-law stories. But the one that hits the hardest is the one I'm about to tell. So, my husband's mom HATES me. I'm talking, me laying on my literal (what they thought) deathbed, and her coming 10 hours to convince her son (my husband) to leave and take my son with them. Not even seeing me while I was on life support.

So, I was trying to explain to her recently that my husband is depressed. He has been diagnosed with cancer, and he won't talk to anyone about it. But he insisted me and my mother explained how he was feeling for him to his mom. (He seriously hates bringing up his feelings so this was the best shot to show her why he needs her to be here for him). So, my mom calls her, she goes off refusing to speak to her. I try apologizing, she tells him not to talk to her if I'm around. Which I could brush off.

The part that destroyed me, was when she yelled at him saying "she's putting that crap (amputating the appendage) in your head. You're gonna cut it off and she's gonna take your son and leave you because you can't do all you do for her. I'm not the only one who thinks it."

Now, I have been with my husband for 4 years almost. We've struggled with illness before, losing a home, unemployment, and I've always done everything to show I'm here to stay. I want validation from her because I want her to love my son even if she hates me. I want her to see all I'm doing and know her son is taken care of. And that comment broke my heart.

My counselor and I boiled it down to projection. She's mad because they've grown apart and instead of realizing that it's because he has his own life, she wants to have someone to blame and that is me. Now that he's sick, she's mad because she lives so far away. She's mad because she can't be here but it's easier to blame me. This doesn't really pertain to your situation but I felt like sharing. It's heart breaking when an in-law doesn't accept you. I hope things get better for you though.

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to Kat_21

I love when people share. Thank you. ❤️ You can see that you're very much in love with your husband and for your mother in law to hate you and say these terribly hateful things about you leaving him because he won't be able to do everything for you is loads of crap. Your Counselor appears correct and on the right track. You and your husband seem very much in love and have endured so much. 🙏❤️⚓. I will keep you in my prayers 🙏❤️ and send positive healing thoughts your way. What does your husband think about what his mother in law says to you? She's a very hateful person to hate the mother of her grandchild.

Big Hugs and prayers 🤗🙏❤️

XX

LC 🌛

Kat_21 profile image
Kat_21 in reply to Luna_Child

Hi Luna_Child. My husband doesn't really react to it. To him, they shouldn't be held accountable or have to apologize or be nice. I'm always told to ignore them. But how can I when they are not only a part of my life, but my son's as well?Also, though he acts this way when it's his family, he gets very upset towards mine (who has literally done everything to help him). It's stressful but we're working through it. I just hate having to be the bigger person when I'm the one sacrificing everything for him. They can't even make a trip to see them, but I'm expected to smile all the time, force him to eat and drink water and be with him in the hospital, while taking care of a toddler. It's just a lot. Thanks for listening. I'm here if you need a friend.

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to Kat_21

You're being the bigger person. The more mature. I understand you want your son to be part of their lives but think about whether they should repair their relationship with you first. Sounds like she's a bit jealous and judging you is easier than getting to know you. She's wrong. You sound lovely and to be honest I'd never leave my son with her. I don't trust her. I wonder what her life was like growing up, what her relationship was like with her mother in law...she learned this behavior somewhere. Behavior is learned. She'll be all alone someday. I think she needs help.

Hugs 🤗

XX

I'm always here to chat. 👍🙏🌞❤️🌈🌻☮️

Kat_21 profile image
Kat_21 in reply to Luna_Child

Thank you! That means a lot to me. I'm here for you as well.

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to Kat_21

Thank you Kat_21 @

So what gives people the gall to* judge * others whether they know them well or not.

The next question I ponder is why does this kind of judgement occur?

Isinatra profile image
Isinatra in reply to Luna_Child

It’s that old adage, Luna. Judge, lest ye be judged. If you get my drift.😉

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to Isinatra

Gotcha Isinatra @

Jealousy or judgment

Judgemental people What's your take? Is this what's going on ?
Isinatra profile image
Isinatra in reply to Luna_Child

I would have to say both. No one likes to admit they are jealous, so they find something in the person they are jealous of, tears them down because of it, then feels superior or righteous in their actions. Oh, I wish I was as likeable as her, but I know she’s a fake in her sincerity. Jealousy and judgement in one sentence.

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to Isinatra

I definitely agree. Excellent points made Isinatra

Those who judge

Judgemental people/ here's the mirror

Why do people judge us?

What's your thoughts?

True very true but does it happen? I say more often than not, no it doesn't.
Iammesues profile image
Iammesues in reply to Luna_Child

I think many people have hard, challenging, difficult lives with no mental Heath care or support. Over time, people get angry, bitter, jealous. At a certain point they take their anger out on others. It just becomes who they are and how they act.

Luna_Child profile image
Luna_Child in reply to Iammesues

I agree. Good point Iammesues ! After putting up with so much you become very bitter and alone. That's so hard I would think and very hurtful.

Iammesues profile image
Iammesues in reply to Luna_Child

I have a brother. We are opposites. I am a worrier, an empath, a loner with high social anxiety. He is always happy, says he knows happiness is a choice, a lifestyle. Nothing gets him down. If something sad or challenging happens he believes you power through it. I can see happiness is a choice, but I know first hand easier said than done

Definitely do not want a part of this

We don't want to be part of this. It hurts it's rude. How can they judge not knowing you?

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