About 15 years ago, I did many decisions. Some were good and most of them were bad.
After some years doing the same thing I decided to change. Those bad decisions marked my life. Not everything was bad. I have pretty good things too, but I did not wanted to suffer anymore by my bad decisions. Especially because I was aware of the consequences of some of them.
After I got pregnant, I decided to live a better life and not to do bad things that affect other people and me. I had another chance in my life.
Now since I started to have depression and anxiety problems, it had been a real fight with myself because It changed completely the way I feel with my life and everything I do. I am not that person that overcame its shameful live.
I am taking bad decisions again and I know the consequences of them. But I am still taking them because they gave me a feeling of happiness again. I feel alive again. But I know that is just a moment because the guilt is eating me from inside.
I know that my kid is the best thing in my life. I love him. I still have my future planned so I can rise my kid as a good person. But I do not understand why am I feeling like dead inside. Everyday getting worse. More pain and suffering without knowing why, so when I started to take those bad decisions again, I started to feel live again but shame and guilt at the same time.
So my depression and anxiety is getting sometimes worse for that situation.
Those decisions are like a drug for me. Because they made me feel myself again for moment. They gave me energy and everything that I lost because of my depression.
But at the end of that moments of happiness I sink in a worse and worse anxiety and depression. Then the whole cycle goes over and over again.
I do not want to say what it is because is shameful. But I want to know if some of you have deal with a situation like this. Advice without judging please.
