IDK: I had a mental breakdown today and... - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support

53,620 members54,147 posts

IDK

eati
eati

I had a mental breakdown today and I don't even know what to say or think. I keep asking myself does anyone care? am I worth it? I swore to my sister that I would never cut myself again and I haven't until today. I know I really f***** up but why does it even matter it's not like if I say " I'm sorry" (even though I'm really not) it's going to fix everything. yesterday I figured out that one of my sisters that I haven't seen in a long time and is younger than me was raped and killed like what type of sister just forgets about that she was family and now its overall because some low life piece of s*** thought " oh it will be good to raped and beat a 13-year-old to death for fun." I'm not saying that I need help because I don't think I do but what is even the point of living anymore?

60 Replies
oldestnewest

yeah

sorry to late

yea whatever

what exactly is the point

i dont see that happening but thanks anyways

im going to die eventually though so whats the point

I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s an immense tragedy. It’s a revolting act of violence that stole a precious person, a human being full of light and love, and who was dear to you.

It’s understandable that it would affect you and that your coping mechanisms would be triggered - even the ones you’re trying to not use. Just as your sister matters, you matter. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here exactly. I think I’m trying to encourage you to give yourself grace at this time.

Someone with mental health issues experiencing a life stressor, a crisis, and that type of grief - a relapse and a response to it is logical. You were already vulnerable. You deserve space, time, and love in this hurting... you’re doing your best and that’s a lot. You swore and you can keep doing your best to uphold that promise to not cut looking forward.

Don’t give up.

I think there are people who care and who believe you’re worth it. I think there is a point to living life, even though I can’t always seem to do it or believe it. I don’t know what you need to hold onto or what will help. But, there is good in the world and there are things that remind you of it.

I think you were made to be unique and special. I think you have worth. I think God made you on purpose and didn’t make a mistake. I think there is evil in the world as well and bad things happen and it makes me feel hopeless, because it seems endless. But I’ve seen love and I’ve seen the power of stability and light and hope. I think God can love you more than you feel or remember, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true.

I think there’s so much distorted perception in myself that I can’t see the truth a lot of the time. Even now I don’t feel in control. I’m reading this book “battlefield of the mind” by Joyce Meyer. Ch. 3 is dont give up. Basically, a lie in this world tears us away from our relationship with God, creation with Creator, and tells us that this whole thing is happenstance. You create your own purpose. That’s a load of useless crap, isn’t it? God made you with characteristics and strengths and loves you. You were made to live in that love and forgiveness. Your life is worth God’s because He says. What a sacrifice.

I don’t know what you believe. I think my mental health is a spiritual battle. Living without a clear sight of my identity, wasting my time thinking I’m worthless, and hiding away from others because somehow I believe I’m a monster worse than anyone else? My low self esteem is selfish in that way, self-centered, all about me. Wouldn’t that be the best thing for the evil in this world? For me to not help others, for me to give up, and for me to not do God’s work (whatever that’s supposed to be?)

I’m sorry I’m making this about me. I’m trying to process this stuff. I know I get stuck having no motivation and no ability to do things because I am without hope and a vision of purpose or future change. That helplessness that strikes down.

I care. I don’t know if that’s enough for you but I do.

What if there was a point to life?

What if you have so much to offer the people around you, the lives you impact for good from your presence, and future individuals? Would it be worth it for them - if you knew you were irreplaceable and the work you do saves them?

What if you were able to grow, what if you saw the change your life could go over 10 years, and what if it was good? What if you knew you’d be proud of the person you become, not because it was easy but because you know you fought to be kind and be a light in the darkness?

“Living well is the best revenge” - George Herbert, early 1600s poet or the Talmud. That living your life, taking care of you, and enjoying it is the sweetest revenge. I think it’s a great injustice that your impact and joy to be depleted when you do matter. Like the butterfly effect with time travel, but future. They can’t win. Evil can’t win; it doesn’t.

Is there a way or a career or something about life that you know you could hold onto? That you know is good and worth it? And when I say know, I think I mean... decide to believe and remember. I think I mean to have faith. It would have to be a choice and there will continue to be times when you feel the pointlessness and hopelessness like a black hole.

I honestly don’t know what works or what’s best to hold onto.

Thanks for reading me rambling. I’m sorry if it offered no solace, understanding, or camaraderie (comradery?).

eati
eati in reply to PastelPink20

yea

eati
eati in reply to eati

it wont let me message you back

yea sure

yea ik you were

Hey there Eati- We don't know eachother, but you do have a point and a purpose. I know you are upset and in pain, but I promise you that you can get through this and on to better days. I'm going to send you a message shortly ❤️

eati
eati in reply to CJasmin

ok

sure whatever

i am

ik you said that

eati
eati in reply to eati

im not "blowing you off"

yea ig

yea

how are you always positive and nice

yeah

yea

yea

yea

anyways how was your day

not really

yea

Im sorry so this is happening to you. What happened to your sister is horrific. I will never underdtand such evil to hurt another human being. I pray for you and I pray for your sistrrs soul. I pray that one dsy the person that did that suffers 100 fold. The only thing i truly understand in this world is pain.

eati
eati in reply to Musicalmind

yea

Musicalmind
Musicalmind in reply to eati

I wish i had the words to help you. I hope you find comfort in close friends and family.

eati
eati in reply to Musicalmind

yea same

hi

"freaked Out insecure neurotic emotional" im fine

yea

barky what about you how was your day

eati
eati in reply to eati

barly*

you sure your ok

what type of "im fine" do you mean

oh

fine

nothing u

maybe idk

yea

yea whatever.

i do care but...

um everyone that has ever said that never meant it I don't mean to hurt your feelings

yea they said that to

thanks that is weirdly the best thing someone has said to me in a while

thanks

hope so how was your day

oh im so sorry

oh good or bad thing

oh sorry

i donk f****** even know what about you

same all exept for the last part

yea

yea im not really sleepy but good night hope you sleep well

how was your day

fine

eati
eati in reply to eati

wrud

You may also like...