I hurt my wife emotionally due to alcoholism and it is unbearable to me.

[Matthew28]

I recently came clean about being a closet alcoholic. I started therapy for first time in my life and abstinence has gone well for me...one month and no drinking urges anymore after the trauma of my family finding me drunk and sending me to emergency room thinking I was having a stroke. That experience was a real eye opener for me. So now I am building skills to try to stay sober for the long term and that feels good. But what is unbearable to me is that this has hurt my family. My wife is so upset that I hid it for so long and cause her to be concerned about my immediate health during two other past incidents of intoxication that caused her similar alarm. I have always been one to hold things in and a bad talker, but I talked to her this week and tried to listen about her feelings undefensively, apologetically, and just try to really hear her. It was a good first step, but what I learned is that she is so terribly hurt by this and struggling to get past it. This in turn just makes me feel horrible. I feel guilty, depressed, hurt for her, etc. and it is all unbearable to me. I know it will take time and I feel like I am doing all the right things to fix everything, but meanwhile, these feelings I have are just ripping away at me and I was already depressed with low self esteem and prone to great feelings of guilt when I make mistakes. I want more than anything for my wife and kids to heal from their pain and hope one day they can forgive me and support my sobriety journey. But for now, I don't know how to escape my own pain. Is it selfish for me to want to since they are in pain. I don't even know what to do to escape it or distract from it but part of me feels like I need to in order to keep my head right to continue talking with my wife. When I feel this way, my instinct is to withdrawal. I just don't know what to do and even if I am entitled to be feeling this way for what I have done.

[BluePeppermint]

Hi Matthew. I can't pretend to know what you are going through, but I have known plenty of people in your situation. A couple years ago one of my best friends was the wife in this situation. However, she understood that her husband had a problem and she took it in stride (no shared children). It's going to take a long time, but you are moving in the right direction. All you can to is try to stay positive. I hear meditation works for some people. Please know you are doing the right things. The wrongs can't be undone, but you can make sure they don't happen again.I come from a long line of alcoholics. My uncle's wife was asked once why she stayed with my uncle because he is a terrible alcoholic. She said "you wouldn't leave your husband if he had cancer, would you?" Alcoholism is a disease. Hopefully you and your family can heal together.

[Matthew28 in reply to BluePeppermint]

Thanks you. It really helps me to feel supported with comments like yours. That keeps me going.

[Hidden]

That’s great and trust your wife, family want the best for you

[Knoxx]

Man I know the journey you are going through. I can share some back history about myself. I’ve been hospitalized because of alcohol twice, in court twice, almost killed myself three times, wrecked four cars. Alcohol has never been my best friend. It’s something I’m use to falling back when the world is against me, and that’s pretty often. It’s been rough dealing with everything and alcohol has always been there. As if a few days ago, I have forced myself to stand up and change my ways. It’s rough because now you have to find things to fill that void time you use to give to alcohol. My family has treated me the same way. They see no hope for me, seeing my past actions. From that, I get in my head majorly and I want more alcohol to get away from them. It seems like a never ending cycle, but I have to break that chain. It’s possible. Just have faith and keep striving to be the best you for yourself and your family. They see you out here trying to progress and they will appreciate every bit. Your wife does have a reason to feel the way she does, but I know she just wants the best out of you. Just stay on the path you are on show YOURSELF that you have the strength to overcome. Your wife and kids are there to support you every step of the way. 💪🏾

[Matthew28 in reply to Knoxx]

Thanks for sharing. I feel for you as it sounds like it has been a very rough journey for you. It takes a lot of determination and commitment to break the chain. I hope you keep at it. With faith and support, I hope all of us can eventually find the strength inside to stay on the path.

[Matthew28]

Yes and thank you for reinforcing it. I am working with my therapist to develop skills to use to help me keep from falling into bad habits to deal with my emotions. He too is encouraging me to get involved with a support group and find a sponsor. I haven't done it yet but know I should soon. Also, I agree, I have no idea why I was drinking as I certainly knew better.

[SuZQ154 in reply to Matthew28]

You sound like you are on a good track! Please keep posting! I remember when I first started a twelve step program, I had to remember "Progress not perfection...one day at a time...Be kind to one's self." Seeking therapy is important, too! Again, sounds like you are on the right track and have faith!! Blessings!