I want to tell her How I feel that I hate myself I want to Never hurt anyone though so I have to get back to loving myself so I can forget myself and be good for others and good for myself
There’s a lot on my plate and I’m in a bad place
Maybe she can help me climb up to where there’s sun
Even the good things hurt my soul right now They seem so sad
I’m so weak right now
I hope to heal
When I pray I feel so far away from God Because I don’t believe I deserve His help
Guilty feeling that I couldn’t save my brother and that there’s no one to save me
So I’ll have to get up and fight for something so that it won’t all be in vain.
Written by
Starrlight
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I think we should always seek help from others when we cant help ourselves but even with help we are ultimately the only ones who can help ourselves (other people or just make it way easier and less painful).
As someone one else in a bad place too I want to say it's ok to hurt, this may be controversial to some but I even think it's even ok to hate yourself sometimes. We shouldnt hate ourselves for hating ourselves. Life is truely hard and we make it harder by being harder on ourselves (speaking from experience here).
Being kind to oneself is easier said than done, so I wish you luck. You deserve to feel better, by big steps or small ones.
You deserve kindess. As for me, Im completely stuck in life. The epidemic ripped some time sensative opportunties away from me, as well my options for things I can do to cope. Before all this I used to cope by being social, and going out into the world and doing things (also just going outside). I feel very frustrated and I hate how little I can do right now. If you ever want to chat, I'd be happy to. You don't deserve to suffer.
You’re right it’s ok to hurt and hate and to receive help. In what ways do you feel stuck? What did you do typically to cope? I need to get out into nature... meet me there?... 🌳 🌲 🦋 🐞 🌈 🌧 🌞 ✨ 🌙 🌲 🌳
Thanks for asking. There are so many things I want to do and should do but I cant get myself to do them. Dpression leaves me depleted, so I'm constantly in emotional surival mode where I can do nothing but just try to get through the day, just staying physically staying alive but nothing else.
As for coping, I love just being out in the world and around people. I love learning new things, connecting with new people and being involved with hobbies and activism. I need nature too, it's the best isn't it?
P.S. Your art rocks, It looks like something I could see in the MOMA.
I hear you yup depression does that. It’s so great that you love learning; me too. I think it’s nice that you love to get out there and get to know people. Im on the shy side myself. Yes! Nature! It’s when I feel closest to God and people in the world...walking trails is like a prayer to me. Oooh I’d like to hear more about the activism.
Hello Starrlight what happened to your brother? Oh I feel the same! I am so worried about my brother! I was in so much pain I just wanted to die a few days ago! I understand your pain . Tell me why you feel the way you do? My brother is 2 years younger and we have been through so much pain as children! I wish I can ease your suffering! But just know you are not alone and that there are others also who are battling these terrible feelings. Please get help from your therapist doctor and group therapy for people who are going through similar things. I pray for peace!
My brother was one or two years younger than me. I knew something was very wrong and tried to help him but he took his life. This was in 1997. I feel he is still with me though. I feel he knows how much I love him. I’ve had dreams of him that seem so real. There’s bright light and everything is white.
I have been struggling for a long time. The world is just too much. Too mean. Too crazy. Too scary. When I struggle I don't treat myself well at all. I hope you find a small glimmer deep inside to hang on to while you slowly try to catch your balance. HUGS!
So sorry you have been struggling for so long. I caught a break for a few months and now the horrible feelings are coming back... I’m doing whatever I can to not let hope vanish.
"When I pray I feel so far away from God Because I don’t believe I deserve His help..."
You don't. Neither do I. No-one does. But he came in human form to save us anyway. That is Christianity 101.
I have GAD, dysthymia and double depression. There was a time in 1994 when I was seriously considering getting a gun and eating it. Nights were particularly nightmarish -- minus the actual sleep. Each time I would be about to drift off, a shot of adrenaline would wake me up. This would go on over and over through the night til the sheets were soaked with sweat. Though I have not had any serious thoughts about suicide since then, I still don't have all the answers, I haven't solved all my mental health problems. But I do know that folks like us need to zero in on pleasant thoughts and memories. Not because they have any magical power in and of themselves but because they put you in touch with your Maker who is the Author of all good things.
In order for anything to be truly good, it has to be somehow anchored in eternity, which is to say God. Or put another way, all good things point to God. Only if there is a God who created humanity are we worth anything more than the value of the chemicals of which we are composed. Otherwise, everything anyone does is just rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.
Thus remembering pleasant things, even silly things, will bring you to that Sun you are looking for. To give a few examples for me, I will look online at pictures of fall foliage. Or videos of kittens and baby bunnies. Or remember a restaurant that my mother would take me to when I was very little for breakfast. Or after one of those bad nights described above, I would sometimes go to a hardware store and walk around and look at all the parts and tools and supplies. For me a hardware store has such a constructive atmosphere beause all around you are all these possibilities for fixing, improving, or even creating things. Puts me in a very different frame of mind. These are just things that seem to work for me. The thoughts and memories that work for you will likely be different, but hopefully you get the idea. It will be very difficult to do at first, like bench pressing a supertanker off your chest. You will be tempted to quit. Do not. You will gain strength and get steadily better at it.
Another reason to focus on these things is that while you are thinking about them, your mind is free from the horrible thoughts and feelings your current mental state imposes on you. It's important to note that bad thoughts will wear a negative biochemical rut in your brain that will get deeper and harder to get out of, eventually putting you in a tailspin that will be fatal if you don't stop. Good thoughts will not only give that rut a chance to heal and get filled in, they will wear a GOOD biochemical rut in your brain that there is obviously no need to get out of. In other words, you will not just stay the same -- you will either get better or worse. Giving in to the negative thought patterns may seem like the answer but it's like someone freezing giving into the desire to go to sleep. You will die.
Finally, find someone who needs YOUR help. Maybe someone in here. You are going through all this in part so that you can be a blessing from God to someone just like you. If you don't decide to fight and win, someone else waiting for your help may die. Maybe several people or many more than that as those you help will in turn help others.
Your pain and sorrow have a holy purpose -- once you see that, the difficult moments become steadily less difficult, because the idea that they are telling you the truth about a cold, cruel and meaningless universe gets revealed for the lie that it is. It starts to evaporate like morning fog and the Face of Hope with its crown of thorns slowly starts to appear.
One other thing I forgot. It may seem strange or even stupid, but I have found that when I have anxiety, my shoulders and face scrunch up. If I force my face and shoulders to relax, it's hard to feel anxious. Yes, they will scrunch up again, but I just force them back down again, and again, and again, and after doing that enough times -- how much is enough will vary -- my overall mood relaxes significantly.
We do have certain things in common theologically -- there is one God. And even more basic, we are more than just biological machines that are wound up somehow by accident and only to blink out like a light bulb with a blown filament for no reason, forever.
But I'm curious -- what was going on 2 years ago and what did I say that would have helped at that time?
2 years ago i was very sad and had suicidal ideation due to a girl who bullied me . Remember the good memories and think positive and that your a blessing from god someone may need your help those things .
Thankfully this year has been great but the last 2 years where a living nightmare she used to be a friend but she hurt me so i am not friends with her anymore she got very mad at me because of that and started to bully me and cuss at me
My therapist told me she cant do sessions due to lack of communication i have missed sessions with explanations but its my fault because i forgot that i had therapy on that day I didn’t text her back so i I take the blame
You seem like a very deep, and loving person. I can tell by all of the emotions you wrote out. It’s always good to ask for help when we can’t do it ourselves. It doesn’t make us weak, it makes us a strong person. You are a strong person. You are a great person. Remember that!
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Waiting again for therapy
Waiting for the window
Waiting to die...
