Feeling Lost: I hate myself for posting... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Feeling Lost

MountainLover22 profile image
10 Replies

I hate myself for posting yet another entry that AGAIN has me rambling on about myself, as opposed to trying to comfort others. I tried so hard to work out my feelings by myself, within my own mind and without the insistent need to get advice from others on the site...but I just can't. I just can't do it. I hate how I feel inside...I. HATE. IT. Outwardly and to most people, including those closest to me, I am this bubbly, energetic, outgoing person who just goes through life with a smile on her face and the love of talking to and helping others. Inside, I sometimes feel like I am emotionally dying, so sad and so isolated. I am so alone with my thoughts, and when I express them to my husband or my friends and family, no one understands. So these thoughts consume me and me alone, all while projecting the image to others that I am GREAT, HAPPY, WONDERFUL. But truthfully, I feel so isolated all the time. I sometimes stare at the window during my work day and contemplate just getting in my car, leaving everything and everyone behind, and going someplace else, anywhere else but here. Driving to the mountains, being amongst nature and just trying to figure out why I feel this way. Maybe never come back. I hate being alone, but that's all I ever feel, even if I am never actually truly alone physically. I have a husband, I have family and friends, but inside, I have no one. I have no true friends that understand my feelings, my own husband struggles to comprehend my mood swings and my thoughts, and there are days where I just feel like the only person on earth that's wanting a connection with something or someone that understands. But these very thoughts are also a reason why I hate myself. Why can't I just be happy? I have everything that I need, I have a good life, WHY WHY WHY then do I feel alone? Why do I feel like I have nobody?

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MountainLover22 profile image
MountainLover22
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10 Replies
magnoliaLA profile image
magnoliaLA

Thank you for rambling, it actually does help, it gives others permission to vent and to see that maybe we aren't so alone. You are my people. Those who find themselves here and are brave enough to lay bare their souls and be witnessed by others. You are not alone, we are your people. I know it's a futile thing to say. I feel alone too, even here, surrounded by evidence to the contrary. I wish I could help more. I don't have any answers. I can tell you I'm in pain too; and we may even share similar despair. I know none of us are truly alone, and therefore you and I must not be either. I just don't know how to believe it, or how to feel it. And I don't know what it takes to make someone else feel it.

Maybe it's rambling about feelings that are hard for us to make sense of; over and over. Maybe it's having people tell you that you're not alone; over and over. Maybe it's trying to convince others that they are not alone.

MountainLover22 profile image
MountainLover22 in reply to magnoliaLA

Thank you, MagnoliaLA. What you said made me at least feel like I am not the only one out there with all these thoughts. I’m just grateful to have a community with people like you in it.

MountainLover22 profile image
MountainLover22

As always, thank you for bringing me hope and joy. You truly always know the right thing to say.

Don’t feel bad, it’s good to vent now and then! You don’t have to work everything out by yourself. That’s what the site is for, right? To get support when you need it. 🙂

May I ask if you are an introvert or an extrovert? If you are constantly forcing yourself to look and act happy/bubbly for the people around you, but feel empty and worn out inside, maybe you are an introvert and are overextending yourself for the sake of others.

I had “smiling depression” for quite a while. Have you heard of it? It means you force yourself to keep up a false appearance of happiness when you are around other people. But eventually the strain wears you out and you feel completely exhausted. I had to learn that it’s Ok not to be happy and talkative all the time. It’s Ok to be vulnerable and to show the struggle now and then.

MountainLover22 profile image
MountainLover22 in reply to

Wow, you definitely made me think things through, Phil. I would still say I’m more of an extrovert than introvert, but I think you’re on to something when you say I’m overextending myself. I think I’m so known as being “outgoing” that I feel like I always have to be that way to everyone, even when I am feeling exhausted and sad and lonely. And smiling depression? Never heard of it but 100% do it, now that you’ve mentioned it. I just get so scared to show vulnerability because I just don’t know who will understand my thoughts.

in reply to MountainLover22

Yeah it sounds like you put too much pressure on yourself. I totally relate. It’s exhausting. You find yourself staring at the window, feeling unable to move, feeling heavy, empty, and exhausted? Life starts to feel like an act?

We don’t have to look and behave “perfect” all the time. You don’t have to project that super outgoing, there-for-you, energetic image all the time. Sometimes you just don’t feel up to it and that’s ok. It’s Ok to take a break and go easy on yourself.

I hear you. I wouldn’t want to be vulnerable with everyone either. But it is good to be able to be honest with someone who understands. Fortunately we get to pick-and-choose who we show our feelings to, and when. I have a handful of friends but only 1 or 2 that I am comfortable talking with about depression/anxiety.

"Ramble on." It helps to get it out in the open... down on paper (computer).... and out there in the world. These are all great questions to be asking. You might have stumbled upon your answer without knowing it... you feel alone because you don't have a connection with yourself and you're seeking connections with other to fill that internal void. There's a puzzle piece you're missing. Usually when that happens, the piece is under the box or on the floor under the table or the cat took it. You'll find it. Even though driving to the mountains and staying there amongst nature does sounds super appealing. But since it looks like that's option 2, you have this whole site filled to the brim of those who also feel alone (present company included). Feel free to reach out at any time.

MountainLover22 profile image
MountainLover22 in reply to

Thank you so very much for your kindness. I can’t tell you how much it’s appreciated.

LoveBear profile image
LoveBear

Oh mountain lover 32 you expressed my own thoughts so articulately. It’s so difficult to be one person on the outside and suffer alone on the inside. I can do relate to want to get alone and be alone. I’m so sorry - I’m not sure there are any answers as to WHY (I wish) but there are people who want to listen and support you.

MountainLover22 profile image
MountainLover22 in reply to LoveBear

LoveBear, your response alone has made me feel less isolated. I’m just happy to know there are people who are willing to listen to my crazy thoughts sometimes.

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