Hurt Scared In Pain I hate being alive - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support

48,122 members49,373 posts

Hurt Scared In Pain I hate being alive

Nothing_but-pain
Nothing_but-pain

He twisted my lower arm violently. I put ice on it, but the pain is all over my hand and forearm. The ibuprofen hasn't helped. He said "You're not hurt; you are drama queen". I am frightened it will get much worse overnight. I took ibuprofen even though it hurts my stomach. I won't be able to sleep, I am too traumatized.

I am typing with one hand.

He said it's my fault for putting my fingers on his lips when I asked him to stop screaming and swearing at me.

He said he will not apologize until I apologize for putting my fingers on his lips. I think it is a power thing, and he knows he hurt me badly, and he meant to, and.

All because I begged him to go to the store for me and get a dinner that I can eat as is, without prep. He said to get it yourself. I repeated that the pain I have in my feet and back for the last five days prevents me from going anywhere. So he said "Do without." And dressed to go.

I hate my life. 35 years in hell. Keep finding ways to be hurt worse.

169 Replies
oldestnewest

Sounds like you need to get out of this situation. He physically hurt you, that's terrible. Try to find some family or friends you can stay with or else call a women's shelter. If you stay something worse could happen to you. And get your arm looked at by a doctor.

I don't have any family. I don't have anyone to go to. I don't have a car. I have to ask him to come here after he's done at work and drive me. I hate him! I don't want to hear more of him taunting me that I can get things for myself (I can't walk) or do without. It hurts all over my lower arm.

It's your life and you can make your own decisions. From what you've written, you're with a very abusive man there and I would try to get away!!! Why don't you at least look up numbers and hotlines for domestic abuse and talk to some counselors on the phone to see what you could possibly do??? You could always try to get an Uber cab to take you somewhere. Sweetheart, that guy you're with is no good for him to do that to you. Be pro active and try to help yourself.

Okay. I can't get Uber - I don't have an internet phone.

So why don’t you leave him. ? Doesn’t sound like just one bad argument, especially if he’s assaulting you. Do you think you might have battered wife syndrome ?

I have a broken body, a broken mind, and a broken spirit. I am all alone in the world, lonely and hurt. He doesn't want to take care of me. This is one way he lets me know.

Can any of you possibly understand how shameful my life is?

Hidden
Hidden

I'm so sorry to read about this sort of thing. I don't know your exact situation or relation to this guy but if you can and safely, I wholly agree that you should get out of there. He is abusing you at least physically and it's obvious that you don't like it. If you are in a predicament where living with him is your only option, then I would try to keep more to yourself, try not to trigger him, I think this should help lessen how often you're hurt unless you are not in control of the direct trigger, like maybe alcohol for example. If you can however stay somewhere else like at a friend's, I would strongly recommend that. If he gets too aggressive with you like broken bones and such, don't be afraid to call the cops (maybe unless you're a minority in America). I truly wish you my best and hope you can get out of that. Much luck! 👍🤞

Nothing_but-pain
Nothing_but-pain in reply to Hidden

I am afraid to call the police. I used to trust them until I called them to help me in the past. He is a great liar, and calm and charming to others, seconds after assaulting me. He told them I was mentally ill and that I make things up all the time. Me, I was crying, after hours of mental and emotional abuse.

So the police took me to the mental hospital and had me locked up. On the way down a long cement hallway in the hospital, I didn't hobble along fast enough to suit them, and one of the officers put his big hand on my shoulder and shoved me hard, saying "Let's move it along." I lost my balance and almost fell.

I was locked in a "hospital" that had no chairs I could sit on -- only rigid plastic. When I asked a nurse if they would bring out one of the comfortable chairs I could see locked in small windowed rooms I was warned not to cause trouble. When I had to use the bathroom, I found a filthy room with huge amounts of blood and feces on the walls, sink and floor. I asked to be taken to a clean, safe bathroom and was not taken anywhere. I was instead warned not to cause trouble. I was taken there about seven at night. I was discharged a bit after eight the next morning. I didn't use the bathroom all that time.

They did nothing for me.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Nothing_but-pain

So there is no way you can leave him then? That is a terrible predicament but I believe you can get out one day. Maybe not now but please have patience. I understand that this is a very difficult thing and I commend all your bravery, patience, and sanity that you've had to enforce. The only thing I can really advise here is to be careful and keep faith in yourself. Even if you have to suffer physically, try to keep strong emotionally. It seems to be the best thing you can do right now from my understanding. Please remember that there are people here for you if ever you need to talk. But also do know that you are respectable, strong, indefinitely brave, and so lovely. You are a beautiful human being stuck with an absolute a$$hole and more of a person, but please don't let that smother out your courage! I wish you much love and hope for a better future! 💜

That is so awful and I can see why it’s hard to trust others

It helps to hear someone say so. Thank you.

This man is physically and emotionally abusive. He is gas lighting you and has no empathy - the hallmarks of a narcissist. It's essential you get away from him ASAP, unless you want to end up as another statistic.

isin13955
isin13955 in reply to hypercat54

Agreed 100 percent! I live with a narcissist and, although there is no physical abuse, the mental abuse can be exhausting.

I am a statistic. I am old, alone, crippled, and helpless. I need help to survive. I have no car. he resents coming here to take care of me and assaults me -- usually mentally and emotionally. Sometimes physically. I am completely an emotional wreck today. I have to ask to be taken to the doctor today because it hurts.

be sure to get police reports filed.

How? I tried before. They have a tiny (3 x 3) foyer with a cement floor. They leave you standing there forever before someone will take a report. It causes me agony to stand on cement, and days of pain after. Last time I was there for many hours just to file a report.

Please, I hope you get out of this. You deserve better. 🙏🏽

You deserve SO MUCH BETTER! What will you do? Do you have any family or friends for support right now while you decide how to handle this situation?

Oh Starlight, I have missed you.

I have no one. I am an outcast. No one at all. No family, no friends. No one.

I know things have been hard for you, and I thank you for responding to me.

No problem my friend. Keep talking here and you are welcome to pm me. You are strong and beautiful, smart and worthy of love, remember that. ❤️

Touched by being named a friend. Ditto. Message me anytime and I will do my best.

Disagree, unfortunately. Weak. Mostly helpless. Crippled. Confused. In Pain! My mind, which once was sparkling and a source of joy is vanishing in the twilight. Worst: how can I believe myself worthy of what I have never known? I believe I have only deceived myself.

I only know your words, but you have shared a bit of your struggle and bravery. Brave, brave girl.

So hard to type with only one hand. The doctor says no break, only a severe strain. Ice and anti-inflammatory.

They called in the police (the doctor's office, I mean). The nurse (and police) told me they weren't going to allow me to go home... I was very frightened -- where would I be sent? And what would happen to my bird left all alone without food????. They never said they changed their minds, but after keeping me there for a few hours I was released.

Your mind seems sparkling to me. I’m so sorry you are I’m struggling an in pain.

Wow I would be scared too if I was told I couldn’t go home. I had a similar experience at a crisis center I had to put all my words just so to convince them I’d be safer at home. It was a nightmare but I got them to let me out.

You are worthy of good things. What did you deceive yourself about? That you would get to be in a good place in life?

We all still have that chance but for me I feel I’ll never be where I want... I want nogg Th to hurt and to have that perfection is not how this life goes. Sad ... I cling onto hope that there will be something better down the road.

Is this weird? I feel comforted to know it happened to you too. Being told how unreasonable it is to go home (where I will not be safe), and doing what I needed to do to them know I was ultimately going home anyway -- unless I was long-term stopped.

What did I deceive myself about? That I would find love. That I was a good, loving person, and I would get back the love I offered and craved. That I had begun overcoming the horrors of my life, and was healing.

Nix. Nix. Zip; Zilch; Nada.

Things can change and get better my hope tells me but my painful experiences haunt me and point to a dark dusty road that I’m tired of fighting to get off of.

You ARE a GOOD person. You are healing... it takes time...piece by piece and moment to moment.

I don’t think it’s weird that you feel comforted by me experiencing similar. When we can relate it feels not so terrible.

You need carers to look after you and help you, talk to doctor even if for few hours or talk to social services

DOES ANYONE USE NATURAL TREATMENTS TO MANAGE TRAUMA?

I am heading into a bad place, one where I stop eating, drinking, maintaining essential body functions: sleep, work...)

If anyone has any ideas dietary, supplements -- ayurvedic especially appreciated -- please let me know now.

When I am this triggered I head down a very bad path and end up without sleep for weeks, suicidal, malnourished, dehydrated, and hospitalized.

Don't want to do it again. How to survive this? I don't know.

I am going to re-post this as an original post to see if I might get more answers.

Thanks.

I don’t know all that comes to mind is meditation. Also letting it out to people.

I don't know how anyone does it. It makes me more irritated.

I have only him. Doesn't work.

I tried a domestic violence line yesterday, but they put me on hold for 10 minutes and I hung up.

I’d try again today to call the hotline, see what type of ideas and help you can get.

I just did. They put me on hold for 15 minutes, then someone picked up and spoke to me. I couldn't make out one word. I said I couldn't understand them, and asked them to speak more clearly. I got disconnected.

I called back, and was told they are busy and I should try later, after at least 15 minutes.

I have no counselor at all now. The place I was going insisted I had to go in in person. I said I wouldn't do that as I have health issues. They kicked me out. I am paralyzed trying to pick someone random to begin again.

I’m so sorry you had a bad experience. Keep trying different things somethings got to eventually help you. You deserve to be happy and I’m so sorry you are in your predicament. I say continue to let Mr.monk help.

Thank you.

I just saw and read through this thread. Since you hadn't posted recently, I had hoped, perhaps, that maybe things had improved a little bit. I'm sorry to learn that they have not.

If you would like some assistance to try and find a new counselor/mental health professional like we'd discussed previously, just say the word.

I care.

Thank you. No, things are much worse. I am in pain, and in poor emotional shape.

I would like assistance. I do not know if it would be possible, since I do not wish to share private information in a public forum.

Sent you a private message.

I just got your message. Yes, that would be okay.

I finally looked at the list. Weekends are terrible times. I hope I can go through it Monday if I survive Saturday and Sunday. I don't know though. Sometimes (like now) I don't get better at all.

Try to keep yourself safe. Tend to the basics: hydration, nutrition, rest, breath. If it helps, keep talking in the forums -- you have friends here. The weekend may be hard, but it is survivable. Getting better takes time, but is entirely possible. I keep you in my thoughts, dear friend.

That's so kind. I will try to drink water, and see if there is something I can get myself to eat.

I don't get better. It seems as though I am in an endless loop. I struggle to just take a step. Every hard-earned improvement leaves me frightened to backslide. Then it all goes to hell again. Only one step forward... and a descent into the maelstrom. Still me, as you can see. Doesn't feel like hyperbole. (Mr. Poe is still one of my best friends.)

Rest? Maybe I can try to read. If my mind will allow.

I think many of us here can relate to that endless loop in one way or another. The maelstrom is very real and unrelenting.

Sometimes, we have to go through all those things that don't work before we get to the one that does -- an exhausting process of elimination, a shadow-boxing prize-fight.

So, yes, rest between the rounds. Reading would be a great respite if you can manage it; nourish your mind with words, words, words.

I don't know if I have friends here, perhaps only strangers who pass in the night.

Very strange, mrmonk. How you can shine a light where I have walked in darkness, and let me know someone has gone there before.

I'm reminded of that old saw about strangers being friends we've yet to meet...which made me wonder about the origin of that saying. So, I did a bit of investigating. 🕵️‍♂️

Though nothing definitive, I found these lines from hack of saws himself, Edgar Guest:

*

Each one of us has friends that he

Has yet to meet and really know,

Who guard him, wheresoe'er they be,

From harm and slander's cruel blow.

They help to light our path with cheer,

Although they pass as strangers here.

-- (lines 3-8 from "The Unknown Friends")

*

Trite, but nonetheless, true.

Just perusing this thread, I can see you have friends -- from the brilliant Starrlight to the fiery Elliott (huzzah for the "Burnt Norton" lines, by the way 😺 ) -- and don't forget dim-bulb me...we all walk apart together.

Can't slip anything past you.

You mean Elliott / Eliot? I didn't recognize the quote (never read Four Quartets in its entirety), so I Googled it. The name was a clever turn, I thought.

Pay no attention to that man behind the mirror.

Isn't it "curtain?" (Or is this something only readers of the book would know?)

Never got around to reading Oz-ymandias. So, yes. I (I hang my head in shame) Googled it. "Curtain." The mind is slipping away. You are so right.

Can't even be smart aleck around here.

Oh, sorry, I assumed you'd read the book and I was missing something. As the kids say (or, at least, they used to): "My bad."

No apology needed. There are some books even I have not yet read. But I was astonished to find you Googling poetry.

There aren't too many poems I can recite from memory...

Well then I'll give it a shot:

"‘twas brillig and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gymble in the wabe

All mimsy were the borogoves

And the mome raths outgrabe..."

How'd I do, Boss?

That sounds about right to me. But can you recite the rest?

"Beware the Jabberwock my son..." I'm stuck. Something about a "bandersnatch"?

Buster, you are a pain in the nether regions.

Naaaa...

Yeah, a frumious one, apparently.

Oh ya?

Well, take this:

"For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named... "

How long has it been for you, huh?

I'm an old lady. I'm entitled to forget stuff.

Goodnight. Rest well.

Thank you.

Now, that one I do know..."Lenore!"

Still, I had a swiss-cheese memory even when I was younger 😸

Goodnight.

Shhh... I knew you would.

😶

Hi,

I tried copy / pasting it to Word to enlarge the emoji. But I don't get it.

I got your therapist suggestions. The first link is two men. No. I would like to see an older woman.

I feel quite paralyzed looking through the others. My mind is trapped in a loop of confusion and fear. Quite worse now since my physical pain is extreme and I am not getting over being attacked.

Sorry if I don't seem appreciative. I am indeed messed up. Perhaps too much so to manage this. I looked though.

How pathetic is this? I am not capable of looking through a page of links and understanding what to do. No idea what's next.

The Psychology Today list was rather long; I sent you a revised, shorter list to consider when/if you are feeling up to doing so -- there's no pressure, take your time with them. It's not pathetic to be overwhelmed; one can only do what one can handle at a given moment.

I wish there was something more I could do to help. No appreciation needed.

Yes. I was a bit more able to handle the list you sent. But.

The first one is no longer taking new clients.

The remainder (all of them) are nowhere near.

Ha. Ha-ha.

* * * * * * * * * *

Jack brings home a new parrot, but it's got a bad attitude and a foul (should I say fowl) vocabulary. He tries everything he can think of to improve the bird's attitude, and to get it clean up its talk, but nothing works. Finally, out of ideas, he briefly puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few seconds he hears the bird squawking and screaming... and then, suddenly, all is quiet. Worried, he opens the freezer door.

The parrot steps out and says, “I'm sorry I offended you with my language and behavior. I ask for your forgiveness.”

Jack is astounded at the bird's changed attitude! He was about to ask why the total change, when the parrot continued, “By the way, may I ask –- what did the chicken do?”

I see you haven't lost your sense of humor, despite grim realities.

Many of the ones that are not nearby offer video "teletherapy," so you would not have to worry about transportation.

Duh. Didn't even occur to me. Yes, I may have to call someone in The Big Apple, but it doesn't appeal to me. (Worms.) It seems to me that someone in my area may be more helpful. Especially for continuity.

As you know, baby gets me through. Or tries. When she's had her fill, berries or some such, she pushes the remainder out of the cage for me to clean up -- only if I'm not watching though. Ya, I'm pretty sure she's a girl.

The two of us are miserable here, with low 60s yesterday, mid-90s coming. (I know, I know.) I wish I was more, for her sake.

I understand, you need to do what you think best. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

Yup. When / if you can, would you see if you can find anyone closer? It really worked for me having individual links. It was scary, but made me feel less incompetent.

Thank you for offering.

Will do. I'll try to see if I can find other resources, as I think we may have exhausted the two sites I sent to you. Monk's on the case. 🕵️‍♂️

Hey! Who's in charge here?

My favorite icon I've ever seen! I'm gonna borrow him, if I may. He makes me smile.

Monk for the masses...

I lost the link about the therapists. I wanted to try tomorrow if I can. Would you send it again please?

Thinking of you and hoping you can reach someone

Will do.

Two questions, not about the list.

1) I may misremember the appellation, was it "the creeper"? Do you remember the name? Got one. I wonder if it's a sequel, or same old.

2) I chatted with a very nice woman here a while back who told me she was a lawyer, maybe semi-retired. She offered several bits of advice. I can't find the post. Do you know who it might be, or how I can have an easier time searching?

Thank you for sending the links again. I'm trying. It's a very bad day. I can barely keep in the tears. I want to succeed at something.

Did you report said creeper? Did they come unbidden?

As for the woman who said she was a lawyer, wasn't there someone who commented to you called, I think, "lawdog" (or something like that)?

Take the day one moment at a time, so it doesn't become too overwhelming. Remember, even the small accomplishments -- drinking water, eating what you can -- are all successes. Be as kind to yourself as you are able.

Responded to posts, then sent PM. No; nothing I need to report. Just wondered if it was a new one with the same behavior, or same old. Kind of nasty, here in our safe forum, like finding something floating in the swimming pool.

I think you have the name. Is there an easy way to search for a chat I had with "lawdog"?

Okay. In between tears and trembling, a sip of water. To you. Thank you.

All the way back, to sick on everything I eat, scared to try.

I'll let you know how I do.

I won't ask how you are; I hope you will reach out if there's something I can do.

Below is your early thread where lawdog comments; she first appears about a dozen comments downthread:

healthunlocked.com/anxiety-...

I'm here to help anytime I am able. It's good you are sipping water. I know how difficult it can be to eat when consumed with stress (and pain); maybe, in a while, try something mild, like toast, since your stomach is unwell.

Yes, please keep me apprised; no step forward is too small. Remember: "You are braver than you believe..."

You are wonderful and amazing. I know you said you're not, but from where I stand (mostly clueless), you appear to be a computer/internet geek par excellence!

It's a gift...and a curse. 🕵️‍♂️

Hi again,

I found myself too panicked to process the individual pages, so I copied your first six links to Word.

I noted each name, academic degree, whether they say they accept insurance, do phone therapy, and their location. (One is in another state.)

I feel all beaten up. I just want to lay down and cry. So much needs attention yesterday, I know it does, but here I am, falling apart just getting this far.

I know you left me more links, with possibly more to follow. Right now I'm all done in.

Worse, I -- I hate confessing this -- I have no idea what to do with the information I have. Toss dice? I hate telling you how utterly incompetent I am.

So many kind, supportive people here doing their best -of course I include your help - and I choose to keep explaining "No, I'm not a capable human being. See, I'm a broken toy. Used up." These people assume the best. And I feel worse if I agree by silence. So I humiliate myself, confessing my sins without hope of redemption.

Am I being too dramatic? Not on purpose. I seem to be surrounded by insurmountable obstacles.

Checked the spelling on Google for "insurmountable".

"What's the meaning of idyllic?" came up. Ha ha ha. My picture pops up next to "antithesis".

How do you stop taking yourself too seriously? A long walk off a short bridge?

How did you come to find and secure the therapist you had been seeing that you liked, the one with whom the sessions were ultimately discontinued?

Oh my, hold on to your hat...

The therapist I liked was from a referral I got in a woman's trauma group. She was my age, and I felt an immediate connection to her. She was far outside the mainstream, and I thought I had a better chance being accepted by her for what I am. It seemed to work for several years, until P came to a session with me at her request. On the car ride there he attacked me verbally, on and on... When we arrived and he spoke, I yelled at him to "shut up" and vibrated my way to the door of the room.

That whole group is now closed to me, because she promptly referred me to a downtown government clinic, where severely the mentally ill and drug addicts are treated. I was given no choice.

She said I needed the bundle of care - such as group therapy and community connections- such a place offered. Now this was right before the pandemic. Nothing came of the "bundle", the pandemic changed everything before they even got around to accepting me, a couple months later.

I was without any therapist for months in between. (The mills of God grind slowly...)

I am very angry at my original therapist for not even continuing to see me until I got in the other place. Her decision in my "best interest" was/is awful for me.

The government clinic did telephone therapy for a bit. The tone was clinical, almost bullying -- until I said I didn't want all of every session to be about being interrogated and then given instructions.

Next I was told I had to visit their "psychiatrist" (an intern) in person at this busy clinic. (Filled with street people.) Even though they knew I had my own doctor and was not changing to theirs. That's the rules! They kicked me out when I said I did not have Zoom, and would not come in person. I offered to do it by telephone, but they said no.

I was miserable there, felt as though this is where society gets rid of the rejects. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise? Don't feel "blessed" today - whatever that means.

Have I thanked you enough for holding my hand through this? It means a great deal to me.

The Lady of Shalott

Did your original therapist employ any particular kind of therapeutic approach (like psychoanalysis or cognitive-behavioral therapy) during the years you saw her? I ask because in searching for a new therapist, it might help in narrowing the field to know what approaches (if any) you found helpful.

Also, I'm wondering if there's another women's trauma group in the area with which you can connect...if you like, I can see if I can find one.

Another concern I have is your access to technology because not being able to use applications like Zoom or Skype is going to limit your options. Do you think your husband might consider purchasing an inexpensive webcam for the computer for the purposes of your treatment?

You needn't thank me for something I willingly do.

Ahhhh... My my. You think too well of me. Haven't a clue. She smiled at my dry jokes. The room was a safe respite from my misery. She had long, long grey hair in defiance of the rules for old ladies. There were green plants everywhere, and muted light in the room.

The therapy often included telling me what services were not available to me as I was not up to it (EMDR etc.) Up to the crisis, she was trying to help me live with the abuse. When she sent me elsewhere, she said that had to stop.

I would love to connect with a group, yes, I know no Zoom will be a problem. I used to find a lot of listings online, 211 etc. They all seem to have disappeared.

The library doesn't allow postings anymore either.

I am frightened to ask him, but if things go swimmingly I might be courageous.

I do need to thank you. I know you do it willingly. How wonderful! You can't possibly know what it means to me.

Check out the song I posted, and let me know if you enjoy it. I'm listening to Elizabeth Cotton, and re-reading Tennyson. Guess which poem?

Thinking of you through the pain

Thank you. Check out the song I just posted and see if you like it.

healthunlocked.com/anxiety-...

Yeah, I think I see why she had to refer you for more extensive treatment -- no therapist with a conscience could just let abuse go on and on indefinitely -- it doesn't seem that she had the resources and/or training to help you get out of a crisis situation.

Okay, see what you can do about the webcam, and if it's a go, then we can widen the scope in the search for providers and, likely, find a support group in your area (or farther afield) that meets online.

In the meantime, if you need some input about what to do with the information on the providers from the list I sent, let me know and we can brainstorm if you like.

Yup, I saw the song and gave it a "Like" (the 💙 just under your post) -- shorthand, for "I enjoyed it, thanks."

Been a long time since I read "The Lady of Shalott" ... not really my cup of tea, but its music makes it worth reading anyway.

Too tragic?

Huh? It's music?

No, not too tragic. Just not my cup of tea. I'm drawn in by mundane tragedies, myself.

Music, as in the sound and formal qualities of the verse; I read Tennyson more for his music, rather than the text of his poems...but then, there's still tons of Tennyson I haven't read yet.

🦜 👋🏽

I am reviewing the list of therapists you gave me again today. Please clarify something. There is a list of six, then some broken links, then another list of six. Did you intend to send six total, or twelve? the last list of six is the same as the first.

Six total. The links are all the same.

Hi,

Just found this in a fibro post. I find it very shocking, and our safe forum feels a lot less so now.

I think everyone should know, but I can't arrange that. I wanted to make sure you know so you can keep safe.

"Unlocked posts can be picked up and post on places like Google, FB etc."

I asked how posts can be locked, but I got no response as of yet.

Hello and thank you, yes, I usually lock my posts, but only out of courtesy for others who are wary of the possibility that their comments may appear in a Google search somewhere (I don't think it's likely, but it is possible).

My take on it is that anything posted/published online is potentially viewable by anyone (regardless of privacy protection efforts), so I try to take care in what I write and put out there into the digital ether.

I didn't realize you were unaware of the practice of locking posts; I'm so used to seeing hypercat54 reminding members to do so that I think I took it for granted. Anyway, when you create a post, at the bottom just above the "Post" button, you'll see the question "Who can see my post?" Just tick the "Only community members" option and you've "locked" your post.

I know it's likely only wishful thinking, but I do hope you are finding some relief from your pain and daily struggles. I keep you in my thoughts.

Thank you for asking.

Naa. I chose to amuse myself today sanding a butcher block top on a second-hand kitchen cart I picked up a while back. Coarse grit, medium grit, 220! Wow! Looks great and I can't lift my arms, my legs are rubber bands, and I did a hell of a number on my back.

But boy I did a heck of a job. Looks great.

Next dilema (not big on foresight anymore): Can't use polyurethane (sp?) in the house -- bird, you know. Just realized, can't use it outside unless I want each coat decorated with mosquitos, etc.

Oops. Whadda ya gonna do? I certainly do abstain from using the brain these days.

I hope your insurance BS finally got settled. And that you're well?

Sounds like you had a pretty full day.

Being a devout do-nothing-know-nothing (not to be confused with the Know Nothing movement of the mid 19th century...I just don't know jack squat...I don't even know what polyurethane is, let alone how to spell it), I'm always somewhat bewildered and more than a little impressed by the things people can do -- your project made me think of my father, who was a hard-working butcher by trade. I miss him sometimes.

The Medicaid-medication debacle isn't exactly resolved, but I've got what I need for the moment. Thank you for your hope.

Physically, I'm worse than when we last messaged, but some days are better than others. The worst is not being able to visit my doctors because of the coronavirus; it drives me up the wall not knowing why my condition continues to slowly deteriorate. Two years, innumerable tests, and still no answers.

My, my, my mrmonk, you do put me through it.

The "Know Nothing movement of the mid 19th century"? Huh? Fill me in if you please. Using the brain is how I stay sane: feed the kitty.

Made me cry again. Oh, I am so sorry. I know, I know. I miss my Dad, too. (Flashed to Marty -- you know how my brain takes those leaps...)

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling worse physically. Not knowing what or why is debilitating. Heartbreaking. It feels like such a betrayal of a system we were led to believe had answers.

I'm inclined to say stuff the tests. Notice. Use your ability to notice, then keep a record to search for patterns. What you ate, what you drank, how you slept. Emotional stress.

Even if it doesn't solve the big question, the sense of control is comforting.

I know how you hate the online {{{{sillyness}}}}, but I hurt for you. I wish I had the words to say so better.

How apropos that I know next to nothing about the Know Nothing movement, except that it was a nativist political party that existed about fifteen years before the American Civil War. It was just a blip in my brain, a remnant name from a high school history class I daydreamed through, but somehow managed to pass.

(A little factoid on the Know Nothing movement courtesy of Wikipedia: "Adherents to the movement were to simply reply 'I know nothing' when asked about its specifics by outsiders, providing the group with its common name.")

Oh, I'm sorry my filial recollection prompted any tears, it was inconsiderate of me. I know you miss him -- fathers cast such long shadows, don't they?

And yes, I know pretty well those quantum leaps your restless mind makes -- I miss chasing after them, time after time...

Your advice is well-taken and empowering. And you are exactly right: "the sense of control is comforting." Yes, there are things I can do right now to exert some control over my situation until I am able to see a doctor. I will focus on that and prepare.

Thank you, dear friend, for these words. Oh, I have no quarrel with online silliness (I've been known to engage in it a time or nine 😸), but I'm grateful for the voice in your words. I've missed it, too.

It was good to hear your voice this morning. My "advice" is really just my own experience after so many years of doctors failing me.

Of course I suspect you already know, but your namesake is free on Peacock. The whole thing. (I just watched the Captain smash the doughnuts.)

Ah, the episode where Natalie runs for the local school board ... "Now, there's one doughnut." Love it. (In fact, it was the latest scene I uploaded sometime back to my "Moment of Monk" thread on here.)

I don't have television, but I'm guessing Peacock is one of those channels that plays marathons of certain shows?

Link me please, "Moment of Monk" sounds right up my alley.

Every episode, free online at your leisure, safe, only cost is dealing with ads. It's also where I get my Downton fix.

peacocktv.com/watch/home

I've only uploaded four clips so far (the Captain and the doughnuts being the latest with three others archived), but I'll try to be a better curator in future:

healthunlocked.com/anxiety-...

Thank you for the low-down on Peacock -- I'll check it out!

Thank you for the link. I plan to ration the clips to prolong the fun. (More please!) Shame you were never drawn to some kind of profession helping folks with emotional problems. I just finished reading your insight into, and analysis of, mr. monk's troubles. The world lost a something when you found a poet inside. I have never encountered a therapist, a psychiatrist, anyone, who saw so clearly and expressed so tenderly (and well) the pain and struggle of mental illness. Bravo!

Oh. Ya. Welcome.

You're welcome and, now that I've signed up for Peacock, thank you again for letting me know about it -- what a goldmine!

And thank you, too, for your kind assessment of my Monk observations. I've rarely felt such a kinship with a fictional character before (minus the genius detective work). His perceived weakness is his strength and I admire that about him.

Yeah, for me, being a poet was always baked in the cake, so to speak. As a poet with mental illness, I hope some of the feelings preserved in my lines are or will be relatable and recognizable to those similarly afflicted, so I may be of some comfort. Also, in another way, we're all sort of armchair therapists around here on HealthUnlocked -- we listen to one another, offer empathy, compassion, comfort, feedback -- it's such a special community.

I have some ideas for the next "Moment of Monk" clip, so stay tuned! (I recommend the "Save post" option to this end.)

Okay, I've saved it, miracle of miracles. I know I'm hopeless, but how do I find "saved posts"?

Click on the "Home" tab with the little house icon at the top left of the screen. Then, on the left-hand side, below your username, you should see three tabs: "News Feed," "Explore," and "Saved posts."

Thank you.

Anytime.

Now that you've got Peacock, we can share favorites. I watch this one a couple times a week. It's an animated short about a long-tailed rat that the Australian aborigines call "Bilby". (Hint: Things are apparently tough in the Outback.)

peacocktv.com/watch/home/as...

I watched mr. monk is up all night last night to keep me company because I was, too. Sick loonie that I am, I was impressed by the hustler. I admired him for how well he seemed to survive by his wits.

If you like Bilby half as much as I do, I have a couple more shorts to offer. Have you heard of a Jackalope-of-Hope? Lemme know.

"Bilby" was cute, kind of a cross between a Pixar short and the great animation from the '40s and '50s.

I do not know the Jackalope-of-Hope, but I'm guessing it's not up my alley. In addition to Monk, I saw that Peacock has some Hitchcock movies, as well as Abbott & Costello, so I'm sure I'll find my alley.

Speaking of alleys, oh how I love the ending of "Mr. Monk Is Up All Night" -- makes me all teary-eyed when Mr. Monk finally discovers what has been keeping him from sleep.

Give it a shot, you never know till you try (it's Pixar):

youtube.com/watch?v=CbDxtKx...

I'm so pleased you have a place to go and enjoy Mr. Monk all you like now. My mission is fulfilled.

SillySausage praised your knowledge of music to me today. Care to leave one for me there? You know what I like.

healthunlocked.com/anxiety-...

Thanks, I'll try to remember to bound and rebound when I'm down!

Oh, SillySausage234 is the resident DJ around here: he knows how to make people happy with his selections; whatever songs I may know (and there aren't many) are insignificant compared to the joy he brings.

Too corny for you sir? I love the Burrowing Owls! "Who... who!"

Sillysausage has helped my find a tune once or twice when I needed one. But I got a thrill singing along to My Fair Lady. See, I said you know me.

Thank you.

Nah, not too corny for me ... at another time in my life, I might enjoy it more. Right now, I'm more comforted by that which is familiar: I loop the same songs over and over, I keep my favorite Monk episodes on repeat at bedtime. It soothes, it calms.

Would you like to see a Frankie the Cat video I made for a friend's birthday of Nat King Cole's version of "Smile" (more of my cornball bona fides)?

Monk has been such a comfort to me during my before bed routine. I'm on joins a cult tonight. Oh how I hate that so-and-so. Twisting needs and hopes. Just evil.

Yes. Calming.

You mean the cult leader, that so-and-so?

Howie something? Yes. I mean him. I don't remember any details, but I do remember the wipe. How angry that made me! Beyond reason, just steaming. Much angrier than at Tim Curry's character. Was that on the run? I am struggling to say why I used such strong language...

How the cult leader manipulated Mr. Monk feels, somehow, like a violation of trust. A cold, calculated violation. I am dissatisfied with my explanation, maybe reason has nothing to do with how I feel so I can't analyze it.

Interesting side note. I find it fascinating, the difference in the way men and women offer support.

Okay. You've implied I may be a wee bit sexist before, but sophie4 felt for my pain. Offered suggestions how to heal. Mr. Sillysausage's "it looks good ....Youlle get over the pain" sounds a lot like "Walk it off", and then "Knock On Wood" took me right out of my misery for a moment as laughed my ass off.

Yes, Howie Mandel played the cult leader. As an actor that suffers from OCD, it's an interesting choice of role, given that his character takes advantage of someone with mental illness.

Yes, I think it was Tim Curry's version of Dale the Whale that featured in the "on the run" episodes.

I don't remember implying you were sexist, though I may have pushed back on some generalizations of the sexes. For instance, SillySausage234's approach to addressing your pain and offering support would be different from mine, but we're both male (as far as I know). Also, I can tell you from experience that the "walk it off" attitude is prevalent amongst both men and women on HealthUnlocked.

I didn't know he suffered from OCD. I try to avoid learning about celebrity's lives; I just enjoy performances. That's a pretty strange tidbit to mull over.

Maybe it was my implication after all. Could be.

Yikes! Glad I haven't run into too much of that from anyone. Ain't got a "walk it off" switch. I'm sorry you've had that experience here. Or are you above being bothered?

As far as you know? Oh my, I'm going to get myself banned if I venture to consider all the possibilities. "Danger Will Robinson!!!"

Oh, I'm bothered by it all right. I just don't confront people about it because I dislike conflict. But I don't forget, and I make a point not to interact with those individuals very much.

Well, I can't speak for SillySausage234, but I can confirm that I am male (I assume the same of my old Music Club chum, but his profile pic is only a head shot...so, we may never know...the truth is out there!)

(Cue theremin outro...)

You break my heart and I HATE it. However "I don't forget" sounds a bit Vito Corleone. Yikes, I hope there are no race horses around.

Theremin. The old brain ain't what it used to be... What was that hit song, 60's maybe? It's gonna haunt me.

I'm glad we speak here.

I don't know what part of Italy my momma's family is from...but, I admit, you got me laughing with The Godfather reference. Now that I think about it, "You break my heart" has faint echoes of Michael Corleone. I think I'll be declining any impromptu lake fishing invitations...

How did I break your heart, though? I certainly didn't intend to...I'm a clumsy oaf, I know, so anything is possible.

As for the theremin, I was just invoking the eerie sound of the instrument for lamely comical effect.

I'm glad, too. 😺 (My cat emoji agrees.)

Now I'm howling! So we won't be fishing together anytime soon? A..

How did you break your heart? Knowing you have been hurt by -- at best careless -- boobs. I know you didn't intend to, it's my heart. Clumsy is the last thing I see you as mrmonk.

It's gonna drive me nuts though. The song with the theremin. I can almost hear it. It was a big hit, I'm sure of it.

Well, there is an Electro-Theremin used in The Beach Boys song, "Good Vibrations." Is that the one?

Nope. Google can't find it. Must be a brain glitch.

I can't think of another one. Sorry. See, I told you my musical knowledge was very limited.

Did you send me an audio (or maybe video) link? It's supposed to be somewhere, but HU won't take me to it. Is it on this post?

You never should have mentioned the theremin. The HU demon has been evoked. Beware! (Shades of Jonathan Harker...)

Yes, I replied to your David Bowie song below with another David Bowie song. Is it not there? Spooooooky...👻

Good morning mrmonk,

I just read your post from last night about the David Bowie song. I found the song today. I would have found it last night if I was able to process the whole page, glancing through all the posts, but alack and alas, my mind didn't cooperate. Yes, it was likely here all along. It's just that HU popped me to the top of the page every time I clicked the link to your song, and I couldn't proceed.

Mornings are hard for me, so I will listen later today if I can manage enough function to hear music.

Meanwhile, the morning passes with Downton Abbey, which leads me to La Belle Dame Sans Merci, which leads me to a "poem guide" and its intriguing and irritating analysis of the poem and Keats. So:

(I am not by any means trying to school you. I am not such an idiot. However, the poem has once again taken me away, this time enlightened by my present suffering. The analysis I read both charms me and pisses me off. The fairy structures of Bradbury's Mars crumbling under the weight of human deconstruction.)

"a semblance of truth sufficient to procure for these shadows of imagination that willing suspension of disbelief, for the moment, which constitutes poetic faith..."

"Keats’s knight is lost, abandoned, and already living a posthumous existence, which is how the poet himself would eventually refer to the last months of his life just two years later."

"the poem might very well express figuratively what Keats was experiencing in his love life and his health."

"I saw pale kings and princes too,

Pale warriors, death-pale were they all;"

(J goes away momentarily... Robert B. Parker's Spenser)

"The thrall of love... equated with the thrall of illness."

(Thrall? Didn't I read a post here yesterday questioning just this?)

"By using the figure of the knight as a... surrogate for the pathos he himself feels..." "the stress of self-examination, the fraught duality of Eros and death"

Is all this to much for me in my own hurt? Should I stick to Pooh bear?

I comfort myself being me, and I wound myself also.

You are the one I hope can understand.

Insofar as you are reacting and responding to the poem with empathy for its creator, yes, I can understand.

As for literary criticism, I think your phrase "intriguing and irritating" is very apt. I read the essay you quoted, but the only bits of interest to me in it were the quotes from Coleridge and Keats ("A poet is the most unpoetical of anything in existence, because he has no Identity..." -- boy, was that guy ahead of his time!)

Time spent sitting with the poem is time much better spent.

The poem is written in such a way that it allows us readers to bring into it our griefs, our longings, our despair.

Written or read, a poem can be a repository for our pain when we can bear it no longer.

The belle dame is always there for such moments.

But, hey, so is Pooh bear.

I think I got this story from Will Friedwald's SINATRA : The Song Is You. The great Nelson Riddle arranged and conducted the music for Julie Andrew's TV show back in the day. When it came time for the television music awards (sorry, don't know what they're called), she prompted him thusly: Nelson, why don't you submit your work to the competition? You've done such beautiful work for us...

He responded - Why bother... What does it matter... I won't be considered anyway...

Picture Dame Andrew walking off shaking her head and mumbling to herself, "Eeyore!"

Always my favorite of the Pooh cadre by the way. Ooo, I guess I let out a little secret, didn't I?

I never read any of the assignments in high school English as I recall. My sense was that the profound connection I felt to what I read would be tainted:

A) Why bother reading crap because a teacher says so (I would get an "A" anyway);

B) If the story, poem, or novel was special I did not want to give the word Nazis access to my feelings and thoughts.

I found a few wonderful things in English class that I still treasure, but only after my carefully constructed walls had protected me from the thought control.

The Lord Of The Flies is too special and wonderful to subject students to programmed analysis. I got into it once with a College English teacher -- who said she agreed with me, oddly enough.

mrmonk,

Someone is reaching out to me today over and over for abuse support. The blind leading the blind. I have tried to listen and respond, to mention online abuse hotlines. Do you know if there is something more I should do? No emergency that I know of. Just me, obsessing.

I think listening is the most important thing you can do (if you feel up to listening) -- your empathy is powerful because you are in a similar position.

It is difficult on here when we know there is nothing we can do in a practical way to help anyone else, but I think you've done well by pointing the person in the direction of immediate help.

youtube.com/watch?v=U9l23zn...

youtu.be/sJB24LVx6fw

I finally got well enough to play your Bowie tune from last night. It's new to me. My hearing isn't what it once was, so I found lyrics and switched back and forth. Wonderful. Moving and special. I thank you. Did I write to you about Mars yesterday or do you own a corner of my skull peering in unbeknownst?

I don't know if I am comforted or just want to cry.

Hey, you and Sillysausage seem to be able to get tunes to play right here at HU without exiting to youtube. What's the trick? But there may be a glitch: both your link and his stopped suddenly part way through! What's up with that? Huh?

I think I may be healing a bit physically today. I think I'll put it in a post to thank all for the support. Especially you.

I'm glad to hear that you're on the mend from the physical demands of your recent project.

Sillysau...oh bother, his name's too darn long...I know what, I'm just gonna start calling him SeeSaw from now on...anyway, he and I will often (now) seek out live performances of songs, as sometimes those (particularly fan-shot vidoes, or something that's likely been broadcast on television, like the Glastonbury footage I posted of the Bowie song) end up working as embeds on HealthUnlocked.

Did our videos stop completely, followed by an error message? If not, they may have just been automatically paused so that the video could buffer.

I know your love for science fiction, and though Mars may be more of a figure in the song, I thought its lyrics might speak to you, anyway. I had wanted to post a different live performance, said to be his last a decade before he died of cancer, but it wouldn't play embedded on HealthUnlocked, so I opted for the Glastonbury one. Though you will have to travel to YouTube to view it, I think it's worth hearing this more vulnerable and poignant performance:

youtu.be/THz5x0dS5fc

Me too. Always the pessimist, I wait and see if the good news stays. I'm usually confident the bad news won't go.

Ziggy Stardust was part of my youth. Even today, Mr. Bowie strikes me as having a musical sensibility lacking in so many of his contemporaries. I am so happy you shared both of these performances with me.

I'm sorry, I don't know the circumstances of either of the tunes stopping abruptly. I didn't even know what "buffering" was until I used an online dictionary. That's okay. I like when you teach me new things.

I think you and "SeeSaw" get together from time to time to exchange music clips. I would love to be invited to listen in, whether or not I'm invited to contribute. Good music touches me profoundly, in a way very similar to good writing and good storytelling (not always the same thing). So much has been stolen from me by my illness. Novels are beyond me now. Even "The Giants" (Star Trek IV : The Voyage Home). Though I don't think I could stand myself if I resorted to that. Not much is left. Comforting music when I'm up to it. Snippets of poetry in my mind:

___

"The moving finger writes, and having writ,

Moves on; not all thy piety nor wit

Shall lure it back to cancel half a line

Nor all thy tears wipe out a word of it"

___

Or this snippet, so personal now:

"...did the Potter's hand shake?"

___

More fun than a barrel of monkeys. That's me.

_________________________________________

If you're feeling fragile, don't read on...

Life takes it all from us before the ride is over. Pride, ability, comfort, even memory if it's feeling particularly cruel.

To borrow a line from Kurt Vonnegut: "And so it goes."

Sorry. I even needed to dig myself out from that.

By way of apology:

youtube.com/watch?v=4-bD0ZG...

Oh, there's no coordination between dear SeeSaw and me. I think he picked up on the "live version loophole" before I did, but I soon got wise.

We did try to have our little band of HU music lovers meet offsite at a Watch2Gether room (not "The Purple Room," but one can't have everything); we had a few meet-ups there and folks were starting to get the hang of adding songs to the playlist queue and chatting, but some of us were waylaid by the stresses of coronavirus or our own private hells. I've mentioned reviving it in comments, but no one seemed interested.

Do you remember the duet that Bowie did with Bing Crosby of "The Little Drummer Boy?" I seem to remember seeing it as a child (though I would've been pretty young when it first aired); I know I saw it many times later on MTV (I was a pre-teen when the channel burst on the scene making music videos the go-to source for new music.)

Though I enjoyed hearing "High Hopes" again, there's no need to apologize. I'm pretty well inured to the realities of what lie ahead; I've read (and re-read) "The Old Fools" (a poem decidedly not for those in a fragile state).

I just spit my milk all over the table. Boys don't go to the "Purple Room" together! Well, not usually...

"Waylaid by... coronavirus or our own private hells." You have not lost your way with words since first we met. I am interested. Maybe if I ask SS to invite a few allies it can happen. It would do me such good. But Mr. SS has to come to the party. He makes me smile. You make me smile too, mrmonk, but often with a tear.

My, yes. I do remember. I have a recording of it on a Bing Crosby Christmas CD. And I, too, remember watching (uncomfortably) on the telly. First airing I am sure.

MTV was never a part of my life. Wait... Not entirely true. I remember seeking out Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video. Moonwalk! I never saw or heard anything like it. A story goes with it (Thank you Damon Runyon.) Mr. Jackson was working with Quincy Jones, don't you know. AND so was ol' Blue Eyes himself, in the room next door. Believe it or not, Michael pleaded with Quincy (in that sweet little boy voice no doubt) to be allowed in to Frank's recording sessions. (Mr. S loved having an audience, I have heard.) Another aside: That is also Quincy, don't you know, in that lovely song from In The Heat Of The Night: "Fowl Owl On The Prowl". Tap your foot as you sing along mrmonk. It's a scream.

Bing was a favorite of mine since early childhood. Dad sang "Beautiful Brown Eyes" to me (he couldn't sing on key to save his life; who cares -- I still remember the twinkle in his eyes and his smile), and somehow in the alchemy only possible to the very young it blended with Bing's "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling".

A dilemma: Shall I, shall I not. Yes, very fragile. (You came for the ride after I listened to Mr. Bowie.) But Pandora's box must be opened, mustn't it? You are my muse.

"The Old Fools" is a brutal poem, but well worth reading if you don't feel that something potentially triggering may send you into a downward spiral.

If you can arrange for folks to gather offsite for some music, I'll try to attend when I am able, but I am a little disheartened and concerned that my presence elicits tears as often as it does smiles. I hate to think that I'm contributing to sadness on this site; I know folks have their fill of sadness as it stands.

I would recommend grabbing your phone and secretly putting on the voice recorder app. Don't make it obvious so he doesn't get mad.

My mom was a domestic abuse victim, and when she got out of it, she reflected it onto me. I would record her any time she would threaten me and my husband.

Getting any sort of proof, and then calling the cops and showing them the video or voice recordings is the best way to get him put away.

And women centers shouldn't turn you down. Call multiple hotlines and keep trying. I know it's difficult but you can't stay there. I think part of it is that you don't want to leave him, and trust me, I get it. But if you don't get out soon, he will end up killing you.

I do hope things get better.

Thank you. That sounds like a good idea, but I only have an old, flip phone that does nothing but make / receive calls.

I have called four hotlines. It has been unpleasant and useless.

I keep blaming myself for not having a therapist now to talk to. But I couldn't face being forced to go in face-to-face. And so I was kicked out.

Some people will do telehealth.

But most phones have voice recorder, maybe need to search in it to find it. I'd convince your husband to take you to a doctor, say you aren't feeling well or something and then when you get in the back room alone tell them the situation or even run to the bathroom, write a note and give it to the receptionist.

I doubt he'd do something in public even if he caught you slipping someone a note. Just do anything you can to make it known to someone. Even an employee at a store should be able to help. I know it's hard but it's never impossible to escape a bad situation.

I am an old lady with an old phone. It does nothing.

I went to the doctor yesterday. The doctor and the police know.

(((((((((((((((( hug ))))))))))))))) ❤️

I appreciate the thought, believe me I do. Feel a need to hug back... certainly I do! Especially as I know I am by no means the only walking wounded here. But I am trapped in my trembling and fear now. Forgive me.

But thank you.

Sorry I know you need more than a virtual hug right now. I wish I could do something huge for you. You deserve everything good.

You do. I hope I can someday do something good for you. Sincerely.

Awww 🥰 you are sweet I just want you to be okay.

Not good at icons, but right back atcha.

Thank you!

This pisses me off. He does. This is not ok. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this ♥️ is there any possible way you could find a woman's shelter? Or something of the kind. I'm sure everything seems impossible at the moment. Hmm. There has to be some way out of this situation... Something good.

Sending my love

I heard you. I don't know a way out. Lost.

I hate returning bad for good.

How's this to give back a smile?

My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral? Nothing.

I’m so sorry for all that’s on your plate right now. I hope you can find a way to stop blaming yourself. It’s really horrible and disheartening for me to hear the long waits and poor connections of domestic Violence hotlines :(

I hope you gain some strength 🤎

Thank you. I feel just the tiniest bit less alone sharing here.

You are definitely not alone ♥️ if I have to get on a plane to come save you... I probably would.

Just hang in there and know that you are special and loved and everything good! Ok? You might feel broken, but you can mend yourself. At least in the mind. I believe in you ♥️😊

"Go, go, go, said the bird: human kind

Cannot bear very much reality."

Hello again. All I have to say here is please, do not give up on trying to get out of the situation you're in. Look at all the people who are rooting for you on here!!! Keep looking up different numbers for women's domestic abuse. Where there's a will there's a way. Maybe you could get the police to drive you to a women's shelter- they now know about your arm!!! Could you try calling the 211 number for United Way, could they link you up to a safe place??? Could you call the police directly and flat out tell them you're seeking a women's shelter. You don't need to be in a psyche ward where you'll just get discharged back to that guy your with, you need some REAL help. Keep on knocking on every door, something is bound to open up!!! I am praying for you.💖

Hi again,

Thank you for writing me today. I am feeling very hurt and alone. It's nice to hear from you.

I could advocate for myself to get into the local woman's shelter if that was something I wanted. I have bad physical problems that would make it agony to stay in a shelter.

My husband does not live with me. He comes almost every day to take care of me. With a side dish of abuse. If I had any family or friends to rely on I wouldn't be so depressed, lonely, and hopeless. He is my only human contact. Do you know how ashamed I am sharing that? I feel subhuman, saying how utterly rejected I am.

I do not seem to have any strength - only fear. The only encouragement I have to try is here. So I thank you again.

I am so sorry. There is only so much we can do on here. If I was some millionaire I would find a great apartment for you to live in or something, but I don't have much myself and I'm back living with my parents. You need to get out and try to cultivate some friendships and not have him control your life. Maybe there's a senior citizens center you could visit, or even belonging to a book club at a library. I know now things are shut down, but they're bound to open back up eventually. In the meantime, stay far away from him and try to set some boundaries with him. You should not be treated like this. I wish you the best. Don't give up hope!!!!

I was told: if you want something, make it yourself.

Meanwhile, I make him food everyday. 2-3 times a day. I would like a day off... if I want take-out, he has to want it too, or I get nothing. He refuses to make anything for me. If I ask, he'll bring up the one time I didnt eat enough pancakes that he made.

I hear you. Ya. I know. I'm sorry.

I feel like people will accuse me of over-reacting or being dramatic. I'm told its all my fault anyhow. I'm afraid they will judge me for how long I've stayed.

I don't have anything much to say, but Health Unlocked is a place with a lot of people to hear you who can offer support because they have lived through their own travail.

Its not easy to just leave...

This has been said a million times. Forgive me for being trite. But you need support to handle the hurt. Are you safe? Do whatever you can to look out for yourself. There are domestic abuse lines for text and phone to help you think through it all.

Gotta say it: Those that can't do, teach.

You may also like...