I really crave just to let go and be happy and innocent and smile and be adventurous. Ive craved it so badly all my life. I craved it as a child. And I crave it now. I don't want to make excuses for not being the way I want to be. I don't want to focus on all the sadness in my life. I want to just carry on anyway with positivety. I don't want to focus on the 'what ifs?' of letting go. I just want to do it. I always had this mindset growing up... I always wanted to act with defiance against all the pain Ive felt. I wanted to beat it with genuine laughter and happiness despite feeling inside like I could break down and collapse at any moment. Despite my sadness, I had a longing for innocence I never had the opportunity to have, and I was innocent in pursuing it. Ive always had that...... until recent years.
Recently lve felt the innocence I crave feels beyond me to the point I cannot pursue it anymore. Ive felt I know too much about the harshness of life. Ive felt so punished just for being me and showing my honest self. The Bible says that when a person has a harsh conscience that we need to 'confirm our love for them otherwise he may become overly saddened'. I guess I feel 'overly saddened' because every day my best doesn't feel good enough. Ive felt tainted and beaten by punishments, too low in self esteem to fight. I still want to fight.. even now. Its just the past feels more embedded than ever now. I just don't always know where to begin in fighting the harsh way the world has taught me to think of myself. I don't know where to begin in being innocent. I just want to be the man I was meant to be and although in some ways I feel wiser and closer and stronger for my experiences, I also feel further away from the freedom and innocence I crave too.
Sometimes I feel I need help just to be able to feel happy and innocent.