Confronting a Family Member Without Being a Jerk About It

[mvillarreal]

Hi, everyone. From childhood until now, my dad and I have had a bit of a complicated relationship. When I was a child, he would often scream at me, and as I got older, I always felt like I was walking on eggshells with him because he still had a bad temper. Lately, I've been thinking that our relationship is much better now, and I was able to let it go. It didn't mean that I didn't still have emotional scars, but I wasn't really resentful anymore. A couple days ago, however, I accidentally made a mess in a rented house we were camping in (because of a mechanical malfunction I caused), and he flew completely off the handle and started screaming at me. In that instant, I started having memories from childhood pop up, and then I began to wonder if things had really changed or if I had just been dreaming all along. In the morning, however, he apologized to me, and I am not mad at him anymore. BUT, while I honestly don't think he is trying to be short-tempered, I really don't think he can change on his own. We've gone through this pattern again and again: he gets disproportionately angry and says hurtful things to me or my mom, apologizes, and then does it again later. My question, then, is how do I tell him that I think he needs to talk to a counselor? I appreciate that he felt bad and regretted flying off the handle, but I also think he needs help to get a hold on his anger so that he can actually stop the behavior in the future. How do I tell him this without seeming like I'm holding a grudge or trying to cause problems?

[Notknitting]

Ooh, that's a good one because some people get offended when you mention that they may need therapy. But if you feel comfortable enough to mention that it may be helpful to balance out your relationship or the family Dynamics, find him in a calm way, perhaps that might be helpful.

[fauxartist]

You just said exactly what you should say to your dad at the appropriate time. When he is receptive, calm, and alone so he won't be embarrassed: 'I appreciate that he felt bad and regretted flying off the handle, but I also think he needs help to get a hold on his anger so that he can actually stop the behavior in the future.'...

Tell him you love him and know he doesn't what to be like this, but it does and has caused you deep hurt and pain. And that you feel maybe he has some kind of un-resolved pain of his own to become so angry so quickly, but that by talking to a therapist or counselor about it, he wouldn't have to worry about what he has to say affecting anyone in the family and was able to be completely open and honest about his feelings.

Most guys are not big on showing feelings because they had been told it was showing weakness. And that I think has damaged generations of guys who feel they have to keep all of their pain and guilt bottled up.

[mvillarreal in reply to fauxartist]

That is so true! And he is very much ashamed to show his feelings; I think he grew up in a family where it was expected that a man "act like a man." I have actually brought this up before, and he has dismissed the suggestion, saying that it's not necessary because we haven't "tried anything yet," whatever that meant. What should I say if he objects or tries to find excuses for why he can't?-because I think it's very possible that that is what will happen.

[fauxartist in reply to mvillarreal]

That's a tough question because you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. But do stress there is no shame in wanting to change something about yourself that you don't like, especially if it's going to improve the quality of his life.