Mixed Feelings About My Birthday

[mela654]

Hey everyone! How is everyone? I apologize for being gone for so long. I have a birthday coming up and I don't know it's so hard to feel excited for it and it's been like that for about 5 years and feel like there is an expectation for me to feel excited every year from others around me and sometimes I feel like I have to put on a performance for them. I feel like I have to have a big birthday planned every year when the reality is the fact that I just want lowkey ones to myself. I almost feel ashamed for not being in the big and grand celebratory mood but the reality is my anxiety and depression has been severe for a very long time and most people in my life with the exception of two people, don't know the brutal reality of it. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my life most of the time. I feel like I peaked years ago and I'm turning 24 this weekend. I feel like a shell of myself. I know all hope isn't lost but better days feel so far away. Also the weight of what's happening in the world is affecting me as well. If you got to the end of the post, thank you for listening. I needed a place to vent. I feel like I don't have a lot of people to be honest with. I run away from being vulnerable due to bad experiences with expressing my vulnerability. The experiences never left me and they affect how I interact with people when I feel like I'm becoming too vulnerable if there is such a thing. I always have such mixed feelings and emotions around my birthday. It's like I'm so grateful for another year and chance at life but it's contrasted by feeling like a lonely failure. Anyway, thanks for listening.

[hypercat54]

Yes I get this and was feeling similar to you at your age. I realised in my mid to late 20's that you can't run away from yourself and my very painful feelings had to be somehow faced and dealt with otherwise they were going to ruin the rest of my life too.

Now I can't tell you what to do of course but can tell you what I did. I first of all sought private group therapy. I learnt quite a bit and it's less intensive than 1-1 though I did do this later several times at different stages in my life. It took a while but eventually I did see some small changes which encouraged me.

Small changes add up over time to big ones like a domino effect and it snowballs. Ok my life wasn't fantastic after or since but it was certainly a lot better which was enough for me to want to continue it (well 90% of the time) and I am still here and trucking along in my 60's. How did I ever get that old? 😏.

I hope this helps a bit.

[mela654 in reply to hypercat54]

It did! Yeah I think I need to get back into group therapy again. I stopped doing it when I graduated from university and I think I need to slowly get back to it. I think I'm so focused on big changes happening so quickly that I forget to acknowledge or even take small steps and gradually pace myself. Thank you for your advice it is greatly appreciated!

[hypercat54 in reply to mela654]

Well that's natural. When we are young we tend to live life at a fast pace.