This past week, my mother had a stroke, came out of no where, she is slowly recovering each day, she is able to walk, and move her arms, but it has affected her speach and ability to write.
Add this on top of having to look after my father who has MS, it's really made me question my faith.
I wouldnt say I am overly religious, I use to think there was a god, I use to pray every night before bed, but have always felt like it's fallen on deaf ears.
Add to the fact that my dogs health has not been great either, Its made me question if there is actually a god.
Some might say these things happen for a reason, I call that rubbish, the only thing it's doing is pushing my closer to the edge.
I am 32, have to look after my dad, and now have to look after my mother, my brother has his own family wife and kids and I don't expect him to do much.
My mind is a mixed bag right now.
In general 2020 sucks.
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CJ2016
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Hi! I'm so sorry to hear this. Don't worry about me insulting you by saying it all happens for a reason. Why does bad stuff happen in our lives? I have no idea. I have a tremendously torturous neurological syndrome called Restless Legs Syndrome. 5 years ago my medicine quit working all of a sudden and, in my 7-month wait for neurology help, I got no sleep at all during the nights (and very little sleep during the days).
I guess that was part of God's plan, huh? I sure hope not because that would make him purely evil. So yes, I agree with you that it is rubbish.
I am very sorry and know that we are here to support you!🙂
Yep. I don't get it. I refuse to listen anymore to people who say it's God's plan. If that were true, I guess he would've wanted me to almost kill myself to end my torture.
I'm actually going to ask my pastor about this topic, not to be spiteful, but because I'm genuinely interested in hearing what she responds. Since religion shouldn't be discussed on this forum per the rules, I can message you what she says if you'd like. Let me know, though, because I don't want to trigger you in anyway. Don't worry; I'll just mention my situation 5 years ago. I don't want to disrespect you by mentioning yours, so I'll only do that with your consent.
I am sorry to hear about all the things that are going on in your life right now. I believe that you are not alone about this 2020 really stinks! I believe that this whole world is thinking the same thing right now with all the COVID, riots, and all the other stuff that is going on. I am not going to bore you with all my health problems and storms in my life. But, I am going to tell you that all that we deal with builds character in us. How we choose to use it is up to us. We can complain about all of our problems or we can choose to learn from them. And figure out how to improve our lives and help encourage and support others through their turmoil. We can choose to take that first step and find something to be grateful for or we can choose to sink in the sand into depression and anxiety... Prayer is a great tool to use to help us through our storms in life, however, when we pray, it is also a way to talk to God and develop a relationship with Him. He is not a magician who is going miraculously heal and take away the problem. - When you were teaching your pets their right behavior skills. You did not reward them for bad behavior. When they beg when they were not supposed to you did not reward them. God, is like a parent, He is our Father. Like a child who demands, the parent is not going jump right on the bandwagon and do what the child wants. The parent is going to assess the situation and is going to do what is best for the child. That might mean the child might be disappointed about what the parent's answer might be. That is a lot how God works, he is going to do what he sees what is best for us as people even if you do not agree. Most of the time we do not ask Him for things in the right motive. We mostly ask to satisfy our own desires. I hope this helps.
The way I see it though, the amount of evil that's in the world, the amount of evil people that are in the world, and it always seems to be the ones who are not evil that get the short end of the stick.
Most of my life has been spent watching my parents have health issues, they have always told me to live my life and not to let them hold me back.
But I could never do that, I would feel way to guilty, I feel like it's my responsibility to be here for them.
And when I think about it, I have lived my life for them for so long, I don't think I would know where to start to try and live life for my self.
I feel like I have to be here for them, even if my life is just ticking away.
If gods idea of love and compassion for his children is to watch them suffer with illness, then god is twisted.
It sounds like you are really doing what you love doing and you do not even realize it! Being a caretaker and you have a plus at that, you get to take care of the people you love the most, your parents. I remember taking care of my grandpa for a while( he had Alzheimer's) I felt like he was taking up all my time and I was not able to go out and do anything for myself. After he passed away, I realized how much I missed caring for him and really how much of a joy he put into my life even though I did not know it at the time. - I can see the pure and the sweet heart that you have towards people, especially towards your parents and they care and love you have towards your brother. Enjoy your family and let your brother and his little family come and help you out once in a while. It is good for him and his family to get involved too. It teaches he his kids about how to care and love. What a great daughter you are! Chin Up! You are doing a wonderful job!
Tbh it kind of fell into my lap having to help my parents out, once I learned how to drive it started off with appointments then went from there.
As they have become older there health has gone down hill.
And yeah the way I see it as baby's parents have to care and nurture us wipe up after our messes etc, and when they get older it's only fair that we do what they done for us.
Also im a guy lol.
The hardest part of the whole thing is seeing there health decline.
I feel that way I question God‘s plan to because why would someone suffer-from anxiety and depression and I feel guilty because sometimes I don’t believe that there is a God and I am a Christian but I guess he has a plan for everyone and I’m just trying to keep the faith and you should too
I understand what ur saying, but trust me when I say God is definitely real. I had been having some really good days & then BAM! bad news come. My oldest son's girlfriends mom was in the hospital with cancer. Knew she had it but thought things were better because I hadn't heard anything for a while. I called my son's girlfriend had only bad news. I told her God has the final word. I prayed with them & thought the mom was going to get healed. Well, she did get healed, just not on this side. In other words she passed the next morning. In my mind I didn't understand why she passed after I prayed with her. Did I not pray right? Did I not say the right words? What happened? Exactly what was suppose to happen, just not how I thought but what was best. The thing is, is when things don't happen the way we think, our faith gets shaky. However, if we just TRUST GOD & know He knows best, it will b ok. Is my heart still broke? Yes, but I know she is no longer suffering anymore. She's resting, in peace. 🙏🏾
Sorry for your loss, if God is real, the anger inside of me hopes me and god will one day will get to have a chat so I can understand what exactly the idea was to put my parents through everything they have been through.
I would more then happy carry the health issues of my parents just so they don't have those issues, so they can live there life's healthy.
But instead I've had to watch them suffer, which is tormenting to say the least.
Ok, so I apologize if this ends up being a really long post, I wasn't going to comment because I tend to be blunt how I talk, and some people are offended by that. If that happens I also apologize for that. It's not intended that way. First and foremost, taking care of your parents with them going through what they are, I'm sure is a HUGE responsibility. I haven't been there, but I can only imagine. As far as your belief system, and I could be wrong, I feel like you might not be looking at it from the right angle. It's very easy to see the bad in everyday life, and it can be a struggle to see the good. I'm not sure what you're parents believe, but from personal experience, maybe God is using this situation to bring you closer to him/her. I don't say that to insult you or you're intelligence. I say it because when we go through hard times it's easy to walk away and think God doesn't care. And I'm by no means perfect, I have doubts on some days too. But I have also seen at least 3 situations where my loved ones should have died. But they didn't. I'm sorry for what's going on, there is nothing that can be said by anyone that will make it better or easier. I'm not going to tell you it will get better, but I will say that you're an amazing person for taking care of your parents. They probably can't even express the gratitude they have for you in this moment. Because some people would have probably pushed their parents off in a nursing home to let them handle it, so they can go on about their own life. I truly am sorry that you're struggling so bad, I would get more into the God situation,but I'm not trying to push any beliefs of mine on you, and I don't want to stir any pots and get people fired up. I just wanted to share with you a little of my experiences, in hopes it might help give you a little clarity. I hope things get a little easier for you!
I agree with the last reply. We don't always know "why" bad things happen but after all is said and done, you eventually see the results and you are thankful for what you have. My husband broke his back and neck a few years back. He was in a halo for about nine months. He could not do anything for himself. I had to bathe him, dress him....but through all of this, we got so much closer and have a better marriage than before. There are good things that come out of bad/tough situations. Just hold on, do your best and do get help at least once in a while so you can get away from it all and "breathe" a little bit.
I think the most difficult part will be reaching out for help when needing that few hours or so to reset my mind.
I feel like it's my responsibility and it's really difficult to let others step in, even if it's my own brother.
I think it's because I've had to help my parents from the moment illness struck that I just feel like I need to be here even if my mind is burned out at times.
I know it's hard. My sister felt the same way as you., that she had to be there 24/7 for my mom, Even though there were three more of us to help if needed. I am sure your parents don't expect you to do it all and would understand if you took a little break. Maybe one of their friends could come for a visit and help out. It would be good for you and they would probably enjoy the company to take their minds off their problems. They probably also feel guilty for having to have help and can see that it is wearing on you. It goes both ways.
My brother said he will come over more to try and help, but he said that when it comes to my father to, so I don't really have high expectations that he actually will.
Is there someone who can come just for a few hours so you can get a little reprieve? I don't know your financial situation, but there are people out there that come just for that purpose--and possibly look into anyone volunteering for doing that kind of thing. There are a lot of people out there with big hearts.
If your brother isn't going to be much help, I suggest you look in to the other options I mentioned. Don't feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You are taking good care of your parents and in order to keep doing that, you need to take care of you too.
I think the major hurdle in my mind is that I have been looking after my parents for so long, that I stopped living for my self and only started living for them.
For the last couple of years my consciousness has just repeated to my self that when they go, I go.
By the way, I do believe there is a God--a very loving God. He's not doing all this to hurt you, but he is there to help you get through it. All you need is to trust him. He knows what he's doing even though we don't. Pray. (I don't want this to offend anyone, it's my belief)
I’m here if you ever want to chat. I’m close to your age (31). I lost my mother when I was 9. I have no siblings. And now my father is dying of cancer. Not trying to make you feel bad.. just want you to know I feel your pain and you are not alone.
Thank you, and sorry to hear that you lost your mother at such a young age, must of been really rough.
And now to see your father inflicted with cancer, that just sucks big time.
What a kind caring person you are too look after your parents. It sounds like a full time job to me. Do you have to help get them dressed, wash clothes, iron them, feed them, cook was up, take them out? Are they able to walk, or are they finding it difficult to move around? What a shame social services have cut down day centres, and other activities where older folk can get to chat to their own age group. We used to have a good community spirit in this country until even post offices were shut down, and social care for the elderly went down hill. With all the responsibility it must be hard to find hobbies and further education of things you want to do,. My dad was about eighty eight when he lost his wife. He had nursed her for several years as she had a debilitating lung condition. Then he had a period of ill health with heart attacks, kidney infections, but he was able to keep afloat with care at home. He could drive and loved to go to a shopping mall, have coffee, walk around, and had a job, until his mid nineties, renovating paintings, and also worked at the British Library in London. We lived miles away but during the last two years of his life were away down south, stopping for a couple of weeks and then returning,. In the end we managed to order food online, had a banking mandate card, so we could use his bank for daily needs such as clothes, home aids, chairs . We were advocates, and had arranged through the doctor and solicitor for power of attorney, in the event he could not make decisions for himself. Once he was on the slippery slope, he had falls, and then had returns to hospital. He managed to stay at home and made good recoveries, but had good support locally with district nurses, and care people making brekfast tea and dinner. They charged a lot though and only stayed for twenty minutes each meal. Can understand all this pain that you cant find a life outside of your parents, but am sure you know that your determination to help them, is what you want to do and if someone else in the family were to say, I'm taking over, you would say no. Keeping them out of harms way during this lockdown is a task in itself. Well done.
Thank you, and my dad has MS, is wheelchair bound, carers come in 4 times a day but that's only to get him out of bed and put him in the shower then put him in his seat.
Before my mother had a stroke, she would help, so she would cook him food and wash his clothes, and I would do the house hold tasks, DIY etc.
But because my mother has had a stroke, she has to relearn how to be able to cook and wash for her self again.
So when she is discharged I will have to cook for both, help with medication, wash there clothes, clean the house, as well as continue to keep up with there appointments.
My mother is 56 and my dad 65, but the last couple of years there health has declined and not a day goes by that I wake up feeling pure dread.
I can understand the anxiety and the pressure. It must be a long day with one parent in a wheelchair and the other having to relearn skills. Let us hope with your encouragement your mum will be better within a few months. It must be scary with no way of having a break. That's why may be you need time to go out for a walk, or get a fulfilling break. If one of your kin was to come for a couple of hours for you to get out for a walk or cycle, do you think this would help your state of mind. Is it a question that your family cannot visit yet as now in England visits for compassionate reasons and within a certain range is permitted. Its up to you, really if you want to share the load, for a certain time every day as if your health goes down hill you are all scuppered. At least you have social carers who are helping, and no doubt close links with health authority.
To be honest even if I can get out of the house for a couple of hours, I just feel tense, just constant phone watching.
Basically just feeling alert 24/7, just always expecting the unexpected, I have seceretly battled with my MH since 13, battled SH, suicidal thoughts etc, but I have always just pushed my own issues aside because for me, my priority is them and not my self.
I know in the long run, I'm doing my self more damage than anything else, but it's difficult to explain, I basically just feel like protective of my folks.
And yeah my dad being wheelchair bound makes things a bit more difficult, and he gets just as frustrated if not even more so than I feel.
For the last two weeks the couch has been my bed and once my mother is home no doubt it will continue to be a case of sleeping on the couch because I am going to be feeling even more tense and alert.
Had a similar experience for several years with daily phone contact .There was difficulty with the phone provider and some days a private message service with a wiped message "happy new year," would not be removed from the system. This caused such anxiety as the message was there until after he died. The frustration of having to ask a neighbour to check as the phone service seemed determined to prevent contact. Perpetual anxiety and constant attention night and day in case of something going wrong. It did go wrong. I had to call out catheter services which served a huge area. The NHS had replaced well made catheter bags with poor quality equipment. The bag would block or the catheter end would fall apart. It would take at least three hours or more for someone to come out as the service covered hundreds of miles. I was at the end of the phone when he had admitted himself, and was lying on a trolley in the main hospital. He had another heart attack and I could not be there to hold his hand. He did survive this but there were other incidents which were traumatic when people imagined if he did not respond to a call he was watching TV.
He had fallen over backwards onto the floor and lay on the floor over night semi conscious before someone came to check on him. I had tried but could not get through. He said he did not want to live with us, as it was so boring living in the country and he liked his own surroundings. It is such a strain on you living in continuous tension, and guess it causes more anxiety if someone else sits at home with your parents. The problem of having dependant parents, means you have given up your life, but security is always a worry. Advice from online citizens advice re tenancy rights in tenanted property, or who has to pay if parents have to go into a home might help. I know this is the least of your problems. I guess that couch is uncomfortable. Try putting a duvet on top of the couch to help you sleep, and may be getting a prescription for a sleeping tablet might help you, with the next day ahead.
I can say dedicating your life to your parents means they have Christmas Easter and birthdays together. We got to the stage when we felt like foreigners coming home after Christmas missing our grandchildren. We were supplanted by a neighbour and felt distanced by lack of contact for months, trying to plug the Zuider Zee. When your mum comes home expect you will feel better. Do you think your family could come to visit to help with her walking and speech? She will need your family to help her go forward. Pat yourself on the back as you have done your best to look after them, and may be a compromise with family visiting to help or even a short visit will make you all inclusive in her recovery.
That's rough, nothing worse then waiting, for some help, and yeah my life has not been my own for sometime, well it feels that way.
I don't blame my parents for that, it's the card life has dealt, being tense 24/7 is tiresome there are days where the feeling is, I just want to sleep.
And as for tenancy, yeah it's something I really need to look into because if anything was to happen to my folks, I would be screwed financially and in terms of having a home to live in.
Another part of my brain is like, don't worry about it, when they go, no doubt you won't be far behind.
Would I do it all over again? yes I would, because when I die I can at least say I tried to help them.
Do you live in the UK? A tenancy can be passed down to the next generation. The person makes their will so that their loved ones will inherit the tenancy and and the remaining tenant wife/husband passes it down to who they choose. You can get will kits to fill in for parents, signed dated, with two witnesses. If you need to find out about parents agreements with land lords etc, find paper work and discuss with your dad. As you are caring for both of them, and have done so continuously, it is important you act as an advocate for your parents with landlord, and find out about your tenancy rights. If it is council owned property, it might be more straight forward but heard of a case of a son who lost both parents aged 17 and he was not able to continue the occupancy or have the right to reside in his parents home. Your citizens advice bureau will be sure to help you with this if your landlord is not forthcoming.
Yeah I live in the UK,and it's a council house, that's been adapted for my father, have lived here my entire life, 32 years, but it's definitely something I need to make a move on to get more info.
You are better off probably with some councils. Private landlords can be difficult and may only have short term lets .That must be great to have the home adapted for them bots. Just thinking if you have a carers allowance? Years ago they used to have 24 hour care for sick people living at home, but those days are over. I have a website 2 years out of date, with lists of benefits allowances for illnesses, of parents but you have to know through your social service link if you qualify for a carers allowance for both parents as they are both so frail and you giver 24 hour care. You are a great guy.
That's something but looking after one disabled person is not the same as looking after two disabled. I guess that is what is concerning you now your mum has a had a stroke in her fifties. It is mainly one to one work. Stroke patients need help with movement as they can have difficulties with circulation. My son used to work with handicapped people and had to use hoists to help them manoeuvre. The system here has changed so the council does not employ social care workers anymore. To avoid any form of legal action in the event of an accident, here the relative employs the social carer, and is given money to pay the carer. This can lead to difficulties, as the social care is not based on need, or knowledge on how to socialise handicapped people and give them a good quality of life. Everything has gone down hill with Universal credit and cuts in welfare, social events and community projects for elderly and handicapped. The government employs assessors who do not know about invisible illnesses such as MS where people may differ from day to day in their ability to walk or talk. A bit of a rant. Apologies.
You are doing as much for them as you can. Maybe youhave a friend who can come and help you with dailiy
chores so you can just concentrate on taking care of them. Take a break for yourself without leaving the house. I have found that coloring in adult coloring books calms me downl. Maybe you can find something like that. I wish you the best. Your parents should be very roud of you.
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