Past, Present and Future

My past haunts me, I hate myself for being like I am, and I'm wondering what's the next bs I'm going to have to go through in this screwed up thing that we call life? Is this ever going to be better? Not for a few hours or even a couple years, but I mean everlasting peace like I remember seeing in those that I have lost just after they passed away. I want the peace I saw in them just as they drifted away.

[Pugglesworth]

You write you hate yourself for being like you are.

What way would you like to be?

[Hidden]

I would like to genuinely be able to say "I accept that I have certain "disorders" that prevent me from functioning normally." It's been 25 years and I still can't accept that. I feel mad at myself as if I've done things that may have caused all of this. In fact I know I have caused some of this. And I just want to feel euphoria.

[Pugglesworth in reply to Hidden]

So, you would like to be more accepting if I'm reading you correctly. I could certainly use some help in that area as well. Acceptance is one of the tougher areas for me as I tend to resist change and feel I can fix things myself. There is a saying that seems to be true: 'What we resist persists'. What this means, to me, is the more I resist a feeling or emotion the more prevalent it becomes. Sort of a Catch-22 for me: what I want to go away doesn't because I'm so fixated on it. I find relaxing my body helps with acceptance. At least my muscles aren't all tense.

I don't know what you're mad at yourself about, what you've think you've caused or what you consider normal. I do know you can work on acceptance and it gets a little easier everyday. As far as euphoria is concerned there are ways to train your mind to enter bliss states. One method is through heart-centered breathing and thinking of something pleasant. Deep breathing from your diaphragm also works.

Euphoria (bliss) is simply a mental state that, like all mental states, can be cultivated. It is not an answer to any problems: simply a tool.