Remembering her again. : I don't know... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Remembering her again.

Square251
Square251

I don't know why I'm remembering her again. If you didn't read any of my posts before, you might be confused. In a nutshell, there was this girl that changed everything for me but then she turned on me. She was everything to me. Imagine being trapped in a dark cave for years and then seeing light for the first time. For the first time in years, I was truly happy. I actually wanted to live. But she's gone now. It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does. I just wonder, what if things turned out differently that day I confessed? What if we were actually together right now? What if I was actually happy for once?

42 Replies
oldestnewest

I remember that story. You can't change the past. There's someone out there for you. You will find each other.

Square251
Square251 in reply to Dolphin14

To be honest, it feels like I'm lying to myself when I tell myself that. It's just not true.

Dolphin14
Dolphin14 in reply to Square251

That's because you were hurt once. I understand the pain.

Have some faith in this one.

Square251
Square251 in reply to Dolphin14

I'm sorry but I just can't. She was the only thing I had left and I've been broken since. Nothing matters.

Dolphin14
Dolphin14 in reply to Square251

I understand. I went through it. Love will come.

Square251
Square251 in reply to Dolphin14

I just can't believe that. I'm sorry.

Dolphin14
Dolphin14 in reply to Square251

It's ok. I will believe it for you. ❤️

Poodie
Poodie in reply to Dolphin14

So nice, Dolphin !

Hey Square251, I really can relate to you there. It was like that for me for the first guy I was with. He showed me a new perspective of myself and the world. I sincerely thoughtI was going to spend the rest of my life with him, but then he betrayed my trust and got another women pregnant. I was devistated to say the least; yet, even now I don't hate him. I just feel betrayed and saddened that our friendship was shattered. But you know, life is much like a book sometimes. It can be useful to look over previous chapters at times, and even sometimes it's best to get some rest and close the book. Just as long as we keep moving forward and realize that even though that chapter may have been are favorite, the book isn't over yet. You still have more chapters in your book my friend. Don't let one character prevent you from seeing the others ones in the future. I know it suck now, but it will get easier as time goes on. Heck, it might take years, but it will pass. Cherish the good, and move forward while creating even better.

Square251
Square251 in reply to Rudolph26

That just feels like a lie if I'm being honest. I don't see how things can possibly get better. My situation won't magically change. I'll never meet anyone if I don't talk to anyone. It's just not worth it.

Rudolph26
Rudolph26 in reply to Square251

lol, dude, I would have thought the same thing had someone told me that a couple years ago. lol. So, I actually am not to shocked you think that. But let me tell you a little something about me. I will never give you a pity speech and tell you something that is a load of crap. Life sucks and pain like this sucks. thats all true, but that doesn't mean it's over.

You are right though, if you don't talk to anyone you will get lonely. unless someone breaks down your walls like what someone did mine. I didn't expect it, I didn't want it and I even pushed it away. But this crazy Asian wouldn't leave me alone and kept pushing into my shell, and I am forever grateful that he did. So yes, it does sound crazy, but it is not impossible.

Square251
Square251 in reply to Rudolph26

What are the chances though? What if it never happens? Why should I even bother?

Rudolph26
Rudolph26 in reply to Square251

Chance is a gamble. I honestly had given up completely. on myself and others. I shut down and wouldn't speak to anyone. People even reached out to me and I always gave some lame excuse and would just avoid people. Yet, even at my lowest point I ached for someone to drag me out of my pit. Because I hated feeling that low and hollow.

I was lucky to have someone not give up on me. Even more so, he was a stranger at the time and I honestly hated his guts at first. But, I was stuck in a akward situation, and because I isolated myself and he insisted I have his number, I put it in and forgot to delete it later. So, when I was in that akward situation I had no choice but to call him and have him practically rescue me lol.

You can say "what are the chances" and "why risk it" because people just leave anyway. So, whats the point? But tell me this, don't you have just as slim of a chance if you tried?

One thing I have learned in life is that whether you try or not, you will get hurt. I was hurt when I became stagnant, and I was hurt when I gave life a chance. But the difference is, when you give life a chance you at least have the oppurtunity to grow and overcome difficulties. And if you don't give life a chance, its either you get lucky like me and get rescued, or you just stay where you're at. And honestly man, it wasn't worth staying where I was at. Sure, I was lucky and this guy got me out of the dumps I was in, but I could have healed a lot faster had I not waited to get rescued.

Rudolph26
Rudolph26 in reply to Rudolph26

So all in all, if you don't bother, then nothing really changes. But you won't be content with that, because if you really where, you wouldn't be here right now. You will go through hell, and will avoid it if you're lucky. I waited 23 years to meet the people I did now, and you know what, it was worth the wait. Even going through hell was worth it. Thats why you shouldn't give up, because one day you will realize that someone was worth going through that hell for, and you would choose to do it again, not only for them but for yourself.

Square251
Square251 in reply to Rudolph26

I just can't believe that. Like I said, I have no reason to play this game in the first place.

Square251
Square251 in reply to Rudolph26

There's always that other option, not playing the game in the first place. That's what I want to be honest. I have no reason to play this game of life. Why bother?

Rudolph26
Rudolph26 in reply to Square251

It's a gamble whether you play or not. If life is a game, then you have no choice. If you die, it's still playing a role in that game, if you live, it still is playing the game. Every choice we make is a gamble. So, what is the point of not doing anything? You may think if you choose not to interact with life it won't effect you or others; I say this because that is what I thought. I was wrong though. Everything is affected no matter what you do.

The real question is, will you be satisfied if it ended this way?

Square251
Square251 in reply to Rudolph26

Well I won't be here to regret it at least.

Rudolph26
Rudolph26 in reply to Square251

Keep in mind that you didn't think you would find love the first time. Is it worth the risk of shutting down every oppurtunity for the future? You claim love was worth it. What is love to you?

Square251
Square251 in reply to Rudolph26

I was lucky. It won't happen again I'm sure of it. Another thing. There's a difference in culture here. Here, the man always makes the first move which I will never do again. It's already hopeless from the start. To me it was something to actually care about for once. I never had that my whole life.

Rudolph26
Rudolph26 in reply to Square251

Well, it appears we were both lucky at one point.

As for the man making the first move, I am usually the one making the first move. and perhaps I should have clarified something. The "guy" I was refering to wasn't trying to date me. In a matter of fact, he is married to someone else. A women I love and adore! they both became like family to me. I inhereted a love from and for both of them. A love that had no expectations of me. That love was not a romantic one, ever, between me and this guy. In a matter of fact, I wasn't even aware that friendships would be more desirable than a relationship. but, it was. Because they loved me when I had nothing to offer, I was grateful. People like this are a rare breed, but they do exist. Even knowing that one exists give me reason to keep moving forward

Square251
Square251 in reply to Rudolph26

A friendship just isn't the same though. It's not enough.

Rudolph26
Rudolph26 in reply to Square251

but what if it is? I didn't think it was enough either, dude. but I was wrong. You're the one asking what are the chances of it happening. You really think you could possibly determine that it won't with 100%?

Sure, you could choose to never let it happen. create your own reality, or you could leave it be. You could go all hunger games and let the odds hopefully be in your favor. but I'm telling you man, I chose that path and it wasn't worth it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not telling you this to give you some false hope. I'm saying this as someone who did what you're considering and may have already chosen. Also, I apologize if my words are too forward. I can be a bit too outspoken sometimes.

Square251
Square251 in reply to Rudolph26

No no it's fine. I just don't think it's worth it. Anything else feels like I'm lying to myself. I gave up long ago to be honest.

Rudolph26
Rudolph26 in reply to Square251

I getcha man. I really do hope the best for you. If you ever need to vent, feel free to shoot me a message.

Smarticus
Smarticus in reply to Square251

Hi, things will get better, but, you need to focus on yourself for the moment. Stop thinking about being in a 'relationship' with someone else and concentrate on all the things you couldnt do at that time. Give yourself time to grow and become an interesting person. Never let someone else define you, find some new hobbies and start to love yourself before you think about anyone else. You will meet so many people over your lifetime who will have an impact on your life, you have to accept that it is all part of being human and those experiences will allow you to know who is worthy of your love.

Square251
Square251 in reply to Smarticus

Oh I tried and trust me, nothing works with me. Love. That was the only thing that ever worked.

Smarticus
Smarticus in reply to Square251

I'm sorry for how you feel, I know it feels desperate at the moment. Its awful to say but time is a great healer, learn to love yourself now, you are never alone.

Square251
Square251 in reply to Smarticus

Sadly I am alone. Always was, always will be.

hypercat54
hypercat54 in reply to Square251

You are 20 years old so you can't possibly have tried everything. Even I haven't in my 60's so there is no way you could.

Square251
Square251 in reply to hypercat54

What else is there to try? A dozen medications and therapists, what more should I do?

hypercat54
hypercat54 in reply to Square251

Therapy is not a quick fix solution and there are many different types. There is no way you could have tried every single one and given it plenty of time (maybe years) to help. There are many meds you can't have tried for long enough to give them time to help properly.

Have you employed all the self help out there? Impossible. No one has a magic wand and recovery can be hard work and requires application.

Square251
Square251 in reply to hypercat54

That's why I don't even think it's worth it.

hypercat54
hypercat54 in reply to Square251

You are determined to see the negative side of life. If you are not willing to try there is no help for you. It's like beating your head against a brick wall with you. My energy is too low to waste any further, so I'm out.

Square251
Square251 in reply to hypercat54

I don't blame you to be honest. Take care.

Square251
Square251 in reply to Smarticus

Up to that point I was going through therapy smd medications for years and it never worked.

Hiya - Underneath your current frame of mind , you sound really cute!

You’ve had some wonderful replies. People have shown how much they care about you and what you’re going through.

At the risk of sounding patronising , may I suggest that when you feel a little more receptive you come back and mull these over and you might catch a nugget of gold or two.

Keep the conversation going. Curiosity is your best friend.

You are the master controller of your life; you just don’t now it yet!

Love to you xx

You will never forget. That's a heartbreak but also the good news. Years from now (I know you can't imagine it) the memories will still bring back young love. When time heals the pain - as it always does - you will have a new life and new joys. But still the joy and heartache of one special love.

Be strong! and look at what you've already accomplished - as we have all shared. I wish you so well!

They always say that. Time heals wounds. That's not always true though. Sometimes they leave scars that change us. We're never the same afterwards.

You are not alone. I've lived through it. It was awful. I survived.

The scar is your mind healing. Your heart. Would you want to be the same afterward?

What was precious is gone. Lost. You have the scar. And the good memories will stay forever, along with the loss - life gives and life takes away. We're all in the same boat. What you are missing is what you thought your life would be. That's gone. But there are new dreams ahead.

Or if you prefer, try this: version 2.01 - She's a witch. She saved you the trouble of dumping her.

- apologies to the Frasier show writers -

I just can't believe that. I'm sorry.

I am so sorry you are hurting. But I am here. So many others are here too. Because we have been hurt too, and care. I am glad you are reaching out.

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