Feeling so fed up with this debilitating illness, finding it hard to cope.

[Brandy4]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this, and it's taken me a while to build up the courage and confidence to write something. I warn you now that it's probably going to be a long read, and I'm sorry if there is anything in my story that triggers negative thoughts and feelings for anyone reading this.

I was diagnosed with M.E in 2011, one month after my 30th birthday was when I was first not well, took some time to get a diagnosis. So hand in hand with this horrendous illness comes depression, I'm now pretty good at dealing with the depression side (I try to do mindfulness and gratitude lists etc every day).

But the past 3 years have been exceptionally difficult and traumatic. I have lost my Dad, someone poisoned one of my beautiful furrbaby's, and this last year I saw one of my very good friends killed in a motorbike accident - we saw the whole thing and were first attenders and I was the last person to see her with her eyes open (pretty sure I have PTSD but have to wait 17 months for an appointment), a few months after that my father in law passed away with an aortic aneurysm right in front of us, my husband ended up in hospital unable to walk for the whole of December and then the final cherry was finding out our beautiful big dog had inoperable cancer and we had to make the hardest decision. Then add all this horrendous pandemic to the mix and not only are we financially screwed, but my head is now totally broken. I now have the glorious double combo of depression and crippling anxiety.

I am usually one who tries to stay positive, but I'm finding it so hard to function, let alone find any positivity out of the last year in particular.

If anyone has any advice or suggestions on how to figure out who I am underneath all this trauma, it feels like every awful thing that happens steals another piece of me, and having M.E has done a pretty good job of destroying every aspect of my life, and has stolen the entirety of my 30's.

Sorry for rambling, thanks for reading if you get this far

xx

[AK0424]

Hello. I'm sorry for all you have been through (yes, apologies are a bad habit I have, but I mean them as meaning I feel bad and not I feel like it's my fault). I hope you find help here, as do I. I can empathize with you on a number of things. I watched my boyfriend's father take his last breath almost a year and a half ago. I too took a while to post on here and still have a pit in my stomach when I think about it. All I can say is take it one day at a time and reaching out in any way is a step in the right direction.

[Brandy4 in reply to AK0424]

Hi AK0424, thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it, I'm an apologiser as well, so I know what you meant and no offence caused.

Been feeling at my very lowest for such a long time now, I hate that M.E has affected my way of dealing with anything, I used to be super confident, always smiling, had a really active social life, and thrived on pressure, now I burst into tears at the tiniest thing.

Woken up this morning for the second day in a row crying in pain, I've had the worst sciatica pain for 2 years now and nothing helps. I just feel as if all I have is negativity and devastation and I've lost myself along the way.

I found this site and was hoping to find other people who would understand, so thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me, it means more than you could know.

It's this being in constant fight or flight mode is so exhausting, and I'm already completely empty and so very, very tired and sore with having M.E and how that has sucked the normality out of my life.

Got to speak to a mental health nurse last week, who was really nice, and she wants to change my medication, so another few months of filling my brain with chemicals that might help, or might send me the other way, I've tried a few now and not one of them has helped, and two of them made me so much worse, now they want to try me on Trazodol - not sure if you have heard of this, just doing some research on it now.

Thank you again, sorry to hear that you have been through a really difficult time. I hope things are getting a bit easier for you, and I hope you find help on here

xx

[Hisstory]

Hi im Trinity,

I want to start with Im so sorry for your loss.

Now I want you to know trama doesn't define you. I suggest doing thingss you enjoyed before, music or walking ect. I sincerely hope you find who you once were.

My sympathies.