I'm done. ***TRIGGER WARNING*** - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support
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I'm done. ***TRIGGER WARNING***

Square251
Square251

I know my account is going to be deleted for the third time after this. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. I'm done. I'm just done. I can't take it anymore. Thanks to everyone who ever tried to help me but like I always said, I'm just a lost cause.

175 Replies
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Morning square pants....are you leaving the site...?....what are you done with?....there’s lots of stuff going on gonna be lots of people need you to welcome them to the site so you can’t be done

I want to leave life to be honest.

Maybe today.....but maybe tomorrow might bring some joy have to just roll with it....concentrate on small blessings

I doubt it. Things have only been getting worse lately.

How so..exams are cancelled here so if you’re the same means you’ve got a year to study ..have you managed to get loo roll?

They're not canceled here.

Good well put the internet to good use and get studying the stuff you’re not sure about...Do something kind today like go shopping for an elderly lady or something ....

I don't have the energy to do anything right now, can't even change my clothes.

Why.you physically ill

No but it feels like it. Everything hurts, tired, nauseated.

I think you've done so much for your self ..it takes great courage to reach out..so I'm proud of you..even though you feel done, after following your posts, I say there is nothing wrong with you..it's just the way the cookie crumbles for most of us and just to let you know, you meant alot to us, as much as you were there for us as well..I say chin up, be strong and may the force be with you..

Square251
Square251
in reply to ellinaki

No there is something wrong with me. I'm just not strong enough for this.

Do you use drugs / alcohol ?

No. Probably only because it's not really available here, otherwise I would've surely been an alcoholic.

Are you eating and drinking well?

I eat too much.

Poodie
Poodie
in reply to Square251

I eat too much too. But you need to stick around . Everyone here needs you to.

hi square I know your having a tough time all of us are now so its important we rally round each other to see it through.

Square251
Square251
in reply to kenster1

Everyone will be fine without me.

kenster1
kenster1
in reply to Square251

hey that's not true we wont and I am sure people closer to home wont.if you need to post 20 times a day for support then feel free one of us or many will always reach out.

Square251
Square251
in reply to kenster1

It doesn't matter, my account is getting deleted anyway.

kenster1
kenster1
in reply to Square251

its up to you but your needing support in any shape or form my honest opinion its best to stay.if your lacking in family or friends to support you then at least you have us.

Square251
Square251
in reply to kenster1

Not my choice, HU is probably going to delete my account. I was already warned.

No one there to delete it

They deleted it twice before.

i know ....because of people complaining ....you’ve been a good square since welcoming people to the site so no one complains ....but I think h.u have took the high road over this pandemic there’s global panic on .....so no one there to delete you so best thing to do ....get a shower clean clothes....food....and re think the situation.....roxy already started a protest to h.u # square is innocent

kenster1
kenster1
in reply to Square251

if you need to vent/chat to anyone just pm them for now someone will always get back to you.

Square make a decision to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. In these difficult times we need everyone to pull together and support each other and that includes you too. We all have enough to worry about without having to worry about you as well.

You are important to us so stick around. You are an integral part of our big HU family and we need you. x

Everyone will be fine without me. It's only a matter of time until my account gets deleted anyway.

hawii60
hawii60
in reply to Square251

Why should your account be deleted? Is it because you are going to have it deleted or is it fear that it might be deleted?

Square251
Square251
in reply to hawii60

It'll be deleted by HU for talking about suicide too much.

hawii60
hawii60
in reply to Square251

My advice is that Egypt has little information but minutes ago an update says the virus is spreading through your country and a security guard is seen near the Cairo university wearing a mask. The students are off but the spread has continued. The description of the situation is that authorities are in denial . To go and sit an exam when people are coming down with the virus to the public building would be irrational.

Take care of yourselves and your day to day needs. To protect your mum just stay calm and ignore her pride. She is unaware what is happening everywhere.

ellinaki
ellinaki
in reply to hypercat54

Yeah..

No one is a lost cause. You must think of your mother who is still living. She will be in agony if you do something because you cannot see a way out of your situation. Hurting yourself only brings harm to others. |You cannot defy the virus and if you don't attend your exam it is only fair to say you are not well enough to sit it. If you need hours of sleep just flake out for a couple of days. Have had this nervous exhaustion and it does help to switch of the social media networks and do nothing. No need to reply.

Square251
Square251
in reply to hawii60

She is the reason why I'm like this right now. Now I doubt that she would care.

hawii60
hawii60
in reply to Square251

If it is your mother's attitude that is upsetting you can you describe

how the tension is between you? I guess your father is the moderator in the home and if your mum is upset by your behaviour he takes sides?

Does she make faces? Does she treat you like a child? Does she make you feel angry when she is close by? Do you avoid her when you are feeling hopeless?

When you cross the line are you rewarded with affection and a hug if you apologise? If you look at your own behaviour do you get angry and become aggressive? I guess it is family counselling that is needed here rather than

individual. The drugs are not helping and your sleep patterns are up the creek. To get back to a place of harmony, going out for a walk, enjoying games, and relaxing, and being pleasant, is the only route.

She really doesn't understand you or the problem you have. Try and talk the problem out on the web site. Am sure there will be help from other folk who have had difficult relationships with their sons and daughters, and some how undermine them instead of helping confidence. If you have a row with your parents then this is the last straw sometimes for both of you. You both say things you don't mean. What you have to do is be calm and explain the drugs are making you lose concentration, and you cannot study. The new drug might help but it might take several weeks more. If the drugs are not working and you just can't revise, then nearer the exam, you could e mail the college secretary to say you are not well enough to resit the final exam.

You could ask for an extension to resit as you need more time to adjust to the medication and revise your treatment. If you make a positive move before the exam then you have forestalled the pressure and given yourself more time so you can concentrate and get over this sleep problem. Nothing is impossible. If you don't want to resit the exam when you are fit enough to revise, then the option is for you not to do so.

Square251
Square251
in reply to hawii60

This is my last chance though, there aren't any more resists. I fail this time, I get kicked out. Also my dad is usually the moderator but he's not living with us. That's why it gets so bad between us. She never listens. Her pride is what matters most to her. To her, admitting that she made a mistake is worse than death.

hawii60
hawii60
in reply to Square251

If there are no more resits why? Coronavirus stops everyone in their tracks. We have the possibility of a four month shut down with the virus here. I notice there are still adverts for flights to your country as if nothing has ever happened. One day things seem ok then the next things shut overnight. Do you watch TV and do you help round the house? Do you have a chance to chat? Can you chat about your extended family and find out about your family? Trying to connect with her past might help you both. Parental aspirations go out the window when the information changes and everyone cannot move. You don't have much time left for revision, so if you cant revise can you check the subjects of your last paper? If you had a lot of practical work walking round the morgue with dissection and anatomy and physiology, the human biology with the nerves the positions of the body organ, and how the heart works, are essential core subjects. Diseases with fever such as corona virus sars are the type of questions which could come up concerning the symptoms and how it is treated in your country. Go over the old paper and find the back notes you had for each one. It makes no difference if you fail or you don't sit the exam. You are putting pressure on yourself . The good thing is you are close to your mum and her pride revolves around the past. You don't want to put pressure on yourself or mother. Other students may come down with the virus. It has reached our area with kids so we are not allowed to get too close. Your mum is your best friend so look after each other.

Do you both know that the reason they knew nothing about the nervous system is because when folks died they took off the fascia during the autopsy which is where all the important information was stored to promote science. They have just discovered there is so much healing and knowledge for science in the fascia. Fascia release is now how they heal many pain issues in the body. Now they know that our fears are stored in the bone which is supported and interconnects the bones. If that is where you, square is working you are in good place to solve so many problems of trauma and the fight/flight/frozen responses that damage our entire body.

Find a therapist who knows this. Perhaps speak to a prof for help and guidance since dad is not around and mom is hyperfocused on her own fears. Remember our parents were not taught how to parent the right way and this is common knowledge so it is to forgive them for this and move on and learn to do better and they will come around when some day you have a family of your own. It looks bleak in the world but we all know there have been many bleak moments in the history of the world. Our goal is to be able to say we survived and gained in the steps to wonder of ourself and those around. Everyone can change even your mother and even you. Believe me, but remember we can only change one person--ourself.

I await your learned expertise as I am not in anatomy and want to learn from those who know. I await you comeback to the fascia and what you have learned. They say the arch in St Louis can withstand even an earthquake due to the way it is structured on the inside like our fascia. BTW do you work out or run as that is most helpful to improve your moods.

.

I never knew about the bones storing fear but recognise that muscle tension, anxiety can provoke unpleasant feelings of tremble and jaw lock and racing thoughts and these are to with the hippocampus and the amygdala. It is a sense of being frozen. you cannot respond or break through he negativity of others. At the moment when the have not had a government warning on the news to self isolate if they have any health problems or are over a certain age then the internal argument which is not working round the problem of being unable to sit an exam is stopping us from

processing our inner thoughts. Whilst at loggerheads with someone what course of action would you take?

Would you watch for the information to be announced or would you avoid contact until the time is up? Mother thinks as the exam room will be empty, her son should be revising for his exams. As soon as he comes back from a walk, she is on his case. The fact is the building may be empty but the bus and passengers are still there, so though the university students are off everyone else is roaming around. It the absence of information which is needed to jolt the couple to their senses.

Square said he would like CBT but does not know how to access it as the one sevice inhis area does not do it long distance excett to Saudi arabia and it is very expensive.

He needs an online course which is not so expensive so he can get the feed back he needs to help. He has so many problems with his parents . If he were to know the costs of any course online which he can afford, this would help. Perhaps you know of one as you have so much experience?

I wrote the name and the price of one that would be very effective as it is six days a week on line for six hours a week with the wriren script to use for a paper or two and it last the entire year with ability to reach others on the same forum for questions and answers and connections, especially in these trying times, it is nice to have people of the same mind. It costs last time I was on line $188 three payments but if that is a problem you could ask them for the ability to prove hardship. It is the National Institute of Clinical Application of Behavioral medicine which will use somatic experiencing, CBT, family systems in some of the webinars, the nervous system, mindfulness and many others as there are many clinicians on the presentation, Daniel Siegel, Stephen Porges, Peter Levine, Alan Shore, Bessel van der Kolk and many, many others.

hawii60
hawii60
in reply to Square251

Your best chance of survival is to avoid the virus as you have asthma. This is now medical advice in the UK, so expect this is the same as in your country. It is because you have no student liason and information. Your mum does not get it. You do or you would not have written the post about coronavirus . You didn't mention this until later you had breathing problems so peoples replies might not have considered this. Avoid the virus if you have any form of chest lung and respiratory problem as this can be passed to your mum. She would not want that despite her pride.

You need to talk to your mom... you need to tell her what all this pressure is doing to u.... 😊☀️🌷 perhaps if you tell her she can help find a solution with you... it may surprise you if you let her in just a bit... 🤔

You don't know her. I already tried. All she cares about is her pride.

Pride is one thing but you are her son... talk to her in private and just explain it to her...

Like I said, I already tried. She doesn't care. Her pride is what matters most to her.

I don’t believe you... sorry but if you have told her some of the things you have said here she would not be thinking of her pride she would think of her son.... 😊

I cut myself in front of her while crying, what does she do? She walks away and watches TV. Still think she cares? She doesn't even say stop.

Talk to your dad then! If he was moderator then talk to him... somebody in your family. You have so much potential and can accomplish so much if you could get support... please talk to your dad and please don’t hurt yourself..

He can't do anything, he's in another country.

He is still the head of the house? Can you go visit him or live with him?

Nope. I can't leave because of my exams and he can't come because of work.

Does he have a phone or laptop? Can’t u call him to talk to him?

It won't change anything.

You don’t know until you try... he may have some advice that is helpful at least... he knows your mom...

Things never go well between them either.

It does not have to go well between them. He knows her and can emphasize with your predicament the best. He may have answers for you or a way to help u....

I'll talk to him but I doubt it'll help.

Try thinking it might as it can’t hurt... mindset matters.

She walked away as you were self harming. If she gave you attention then you might try and self harm again. She is finding it hard to help you. To help yourself you have to put this emotional block over this pressure of sitting an exam behind you which will only harm you more as you cannot study with the sleep and the drugs. She does love you but does not understand what is going on . Hope you can chat online with your dad and tell him about the virus. He can then talk to your mum. You can explain the drugs are not helping and you need further help. Every parent may feel disappointed if things don't turn out as planned but want their kids to stay alive and be well.

Done? There’s no quitting. Not a lost cause...maybe lost with what to do, but never a lost cause. Being completely overwhelmed is understandable.

We’re here and we’re not going anywhere, so don’t you dare go anywhere either.

Square251
Square251
in reply to RoxieDawn

I just can't take it anymore.

RoxieDawn
RoxieDawn
in reply to Square251

Sure you can.

Square, you get like this every few days. You can take it, one more day, today and tomorrow. Of the threads you created in recent past you say the same things, guess what you made it one more day.

Just need to take it one day at a time.

Square251
Square251
in reply to RoxieDawn

When does it end though? Things have only been getting worse and worse with no hope in sight. I can't take it anymore. Even my mom doesn't care, why should I live now?

RoxieDawn
RoxieDawn
in reply to Square251

Mom cares. Moms will always care.

Well if I knew what ‘worse was...what in world is it that there is absolutely, zilch hope for?

Square251
Square251
in reply to RoxieDawn

Mine doesn't. She's why I'm like this right now.

RoxieDawn
RoxieDawn
in reply to Square251

But you’re always wanting to stick around because both your parents...you live your life for you not your mom or your dad.

Anyways...I’m still waiting on what is worse and what is hopeless.

Square251
Square251
in reply to RoxieDawn

I don't care about myself at all. I can't live just for me. What's worse is my mom pushing me to have another mental breakdown. I was already feeling extremely low, now I just really want to die. What's hopeless? Well I thought my mom cared but she clearly doesn't and that's half the reason why I'm alive gone now. Now why should I stay alive? Not mentioning everything else.

RoxieDawn
RoxieDawn
in reply to Square251

Okay... so today’s trigger is your Mom. Then you need to remove that trigger. Get out of the house, put your big boys pants on, shower, get dressed, take a walk. Maybe Do something helpful for your neighbors or others in need of a young lad such as your self.

Your Mom doesn’t have control over you, you let her have control over you. She isn’t going to cause you to break down, you are going to do that on your own. What ever it is, what ever hold she had over you, you have to break it. I did it with mine about 7 years ago... when you do you’ll be free of her.

Square251
Square251
in reply to RoxieDawn

What can I do though? I already got out of the house but had to come back eventually and she kept going again as soon as I got back. There's no escaping her unless I move out and I can't financially support myself.

RoxieDawn
RoxieDawn
in reply to Square251

Keep space between you. Hell, let her have her own one sided argument and tune her out. Put some ear phones on and listen to music.

This is definelty not something to give up life over. Your time at home is temporary. Buckle up, study and get through school. Then you’ll have your own life.

Square251
Square251
in reply to RoxieDawn

My own life? What does it matter if it's meaningless anyway. A career I hate? Living in a place I hate? With no hope of ever finding a partner because of religion? Does that sound like a life worth living?

What religion.

It's up to you to make your own choices.

I'm an atheist in a very religious country. I have to hide it to get treated decently.

But you are suffering.

What can I do really?

Do you really want to know?

Because it is up to you

I'm not going to argue, I just disagree with religion. I was always like this even when I used to be religious anyway so nothing will change.

What are you on about?

You asked the question -

" What can I do really? "

What do you mean argue?

What you can do is be honest with yourself and true to yourself. Take responsibility for yourself.

Decide what you want to do and work towards it.

If you are so unwell (no strength right now - to even change clothes) and feeling desparate, have you considered contacting a Crisis Team?

I'm sorry, I thought you were going to tell me to find God and all that.

Why?

Have you considered contacting the Crisis Team?

Crisis team? If you mean that national hotline it doesn't work for me.

Your local Crisis Team - that serves your area.

Why are you being so obstructive and negative.

I have multiple disabilities & severe medical conditions. Am also a carer. My time is precious. I've tried to assist you but do not have time to waste playing your silly games.

You don't appear to want genuine help you appear to want to argue.

No time for that.

Try Googling all the official Voluntary Bodies and Professional Help available.

Breath, breath more to calm yourself... you can’t worry about stuff that hasn’t happened...

I will happen though and there's no stopping it.

You do not have a scarlet A on your forehead... it’s not like you stand in middle of market making such proclamations... so no it’s not coming... you don’t break religious laws openly..or often... nothing is coming!

Still means I'll never find a partner though. It's forbidden in Islam and in Christianity here.

It may be forbidden in Islam but Christianity does not have such laws or drastic rules. It only prevents you from finding a partner if you allow it to... you could find a partner who holds their religious thoughts privately like you do... you could end up living in a more Free country like USA or Canada in future where your thoughts are not important... chin up and be strong... 😊

There are different kinds of Christianity. The kind here is very strict compared to other kinds so yes, it's not allowed in Christianity either. I highly doubt I'll ever move somewhere else. Like I said, they only take the best of the best not someone who's repeating the year.

There have to chances to do something else. You must have other types of training where you can use your skills. If you can play games online then you have to have quick reactions and make decisions. You might be good at IT. That is the growth industry in your region. Getting well is more important than facing the virus . You aren't able to control your health except by self isolating. You need feedback which is not available yet. Thank you for your considerate replies to other people who go through this ordeal with their mental health. You do help us.

hawii60
hawii60
in reply to Square251

You could meet someone . They may not be a woman. A meeting of minds is not the same as the usual attraction between people. You need to stop worrying about the future and think of the present, Religion is the last thing you need worry about or fear of rejection if you don't sit the exam and fears of rejection because of failure.

You have to be chucked off the truck to find an alternative. If the policy is to self isolate then don't attend the college. As your father is not here, then when it comes to the day, of he exam and you go out of a walk and you have not put yourself through the wringer , as you never take he exam , this is this best way of making up your own mind you are going to find another career through online courses to help yourself.

The Saudi are taking online courses in CBT and may be someone will know how to link you up with a course you can afford.

What makes you so different from everyone else? How do you know you are the only one in your country to be an atheist? I bet there are far more than you know who hide it as well as you do. They are probably thinking they are the only ones too! x

How will we ever know each other though?

Through meeting others and gently testing the waters. x

No matter how close I am to someone there's no way I'll ever be honest about that. Just imagine falling in love with someone and then he tells you something about himself that changes everything. It'll be like I'm asking her to choose between me and her religion.

No you are not... you can “pray” at home while she goes to mosque if she wants... you are not barring her choice. You were wondering how u know each other? Do u think u are alone in your fear like hypercat said? There are far more serious offences in Islam... people still manage to find each other of like mind and feelings.. stop looking for the door to close b4 u actually try walking thru it to see.... ☀️Let the sun shine in☀️

It really is because I'm basically telling her to go against her religion. Even she does accept which will never happen, there's no way her parents would accept. The door is closed to begin with.

You don’t know this absolutely... you told me women are going without hijabs... do you think all women in egypt agree with everything the mullah says? Do you think they tell their parents? Would you force your wife to do something against her will? If u keep telling yourself there is no way then why would u see beyond this? Mindset matters u know... if u keep seeing walls why would u see the garden all around?🤔

That's because there are walls. The garden doesn't exist. Thinking it does just feels naive.

👓👀🤔 mindset matters! Walk around with closed mind and eyes see nothing... open your mind and suddenly your eyes open and u can see the garden... try it... go outside... take pics of random stuff... u may just surprise yourself!

I already tried so many times. I'm sick of trying.

How old are you? Do you think maybe we have all felt like this? Do you think we all keep trying different things for no reason? Do you think we try something evaluate results, go back and perhaps change certain things and keep trying?

Try differently so you at least are trying something new bcuz doing the same things over and over expecting different results is literally useless...

Try the random pictures while out walking... you have not tried that... bet u find a garden of sorts out there.... 😊

You're all stronger than me. I'm not strong enough for this. Also there's really nothing to see where I live. Just a regular street with nothing special.

No I’m not stronger than u... this is just another if your “walls” excuses. I am not willing to not try every option out there... I live in constant pain, go to doctors weekly for 22 injections into my nerves just to reduce pain it never leaves me! I’m anxious because I know full on pain is just around the corner in 4-5 days after injections... my life or existence as I was not living was controlled by pain for so long that I gave up living... I have lost so much because of this...

I get where u are but seriously you can do this.... you have no stopping blocks really beyond yourself and your crappy negative mindset!

Stop making excuses not to try something and just try it! Start with random pictures... I took a picture of a snowbank yesterday cuz it caught my attention... look around u!!

You are. If I had to deal with all that I wouldn't even be here right now. What do I take pictures of? There's literally nothing on my street.

Hope4321
Hope4321
in reply to Square251

Sky. Road. Grass. Squirrel.

Grass....grass.....sheepshit....more grass

Foxes, saw a badger on our camera the other night!!! Just casually walking on by ! Cats lots of cats .

👀 look! Tree, sand, dirt piles, garbage bins, brooms, shovels, clouds, water fountain, market stall, pile of spices, fruit, food, cans, bottles, insects, puddles, sandals, shoes, rocks, men sitting in parks, kids playing... cobble stones, grass growing long between cracks...

Don’t tell me there is nothing... open your eyes! You do not live in a green screen!

I don't know. I doubt it'll do anything. It might just make me feel worse. It'll just be another disappointment.

Mindset matters... try something new! Find something I will not see in my snowcovered world! Please? I really want to see a market stall in a spice market....

There aren't any markets near me really.

Store windows? Flower shops? Street vendors? Anything...

hawii60
hawii60
in reply to Square251

You are a perfectionist so self critical. This is a parent who is criticising you. Taking a picture of a bird on a roof or someone walking down the street from a distance with the sky and the road, might give you pleasure as you record every day and how life is in your area. You can take loads of photos and see your progress. If there are children playing, you can take sideways shots so their faces are not revealed, and distant shots. I think it must be difficult with your mum as she is living in her own fantasy world of the past and her aspirations which you cannot meet. Do you do everything for yourself, cooking, wash clothes, iron them, shopping, house cleaning? Doing things like this might help relieve tension. It shows you are looking after yourself and can help your mum. Vacuuming your room will make a noise and be a great excuse to keep your distance. Taking a mop out and washing floor will block a space until it dries. When mum is having a nag get the vacuum out..ha! Works a treat here.

Poodie
Poodie
in reply to Square251

You are not blind. Of course there is something on your street.

Poodie
Poodie
in reply to Square251

Well maybe she will tell you first. That is a possibility. People sense what someone else is like and confide in them.

hawii60
hawii60
in reply to Square251

Yep. This is hard.

RoxieDawn
RoxieDawn
in reply to Square251

Yes it does because all those things are realistic and achievable. We discussed career before.. your mate in life is out there. You can move eventually,

Your attitude has got to change Square. You are being your own worst enemy. I mean that with all sincerity, you def won’t get one foot ahead if you don’t change attitude and let the worry of the unknown go.

Square251
Square251
in reply to RoxieDawn

Moving is near impossible. They only take the best of the best, not someone who's repeating the year.

RoxieDawn
RoxieDawn
in reply to Square251

Well okay Square... you’ve got your mind made up on everything. You’re 18, you do not and cannot possibly know everything...I’m 52 and I definitely don’t know everything...

We talked about your studies and future job searching options, etc...

I’m trying my best here, I think maybe getting out of the house doing something completely distracting, even talking here on HU will do you good today.

Square251
Square251
in reply to RoxieDawn

I know you're trying your best and I truly appreciate it but I'm just a lost cause.

RoxieDawn
RoxieDawn
in reply to Square251

Knock it off with the name calling\labeling you keep telling yourself.

Okay now get off here and get out and do something.

Square251
Square251
in reply to RoxieDawn

I don't have the energy to do anything.

No one is a lost cause but if you want to be one that is your choice at the end of the day. You can lead a horse to water etc. Try this - every time you have a negative thought consciously follow it with a positive one. For example 'i am such a lazy person for getting up so late'. Follow this with 'Well done for getting up at all when I feel so bad' Do this for a month and you will find it becomes a good habit. It really works. x

Some of those negative thoughts are true though. Like for example me not being able to study at all, how can follow that with something positive?

Well you were accepted to study so they must think you are clever enough! x

Doesn't matter if I'm failing and about to get kicked out.

You got in and that in itself is a success story. No one can succeed at everything. Any successful person will tell you that the road to success is paved with failures. The most important thing is to learn from this and move on.

So what just kicked out?

Stop beating yourself up! Not everyone progresses at same speed but we all can get there in the end! It does not make your accomplishment any less! Final results count NOT the path you took getting there!

I doubt it to be honest.

Really? Why doubt it? Do you think every successful person got everything they have in 1 go? People fail and move on all the time. If at first u don’t succeed try try try again would not be a common sentiment then... 🤔

I doubt it because I can't see any way my life can magically become meaningful.

Not magically no but all life has meaning! Even a dung beetle’s life has meaning. Meaning in life comes in many forms... you have to be open enough to allow it in...

I was open for a long time, at this point it just feels naive.

Maybe in your current mindset it seems like that but believe me all life has meaning! Life experience taught me this...

I just can't believe that.

Well I’ve been alive longer than you... 😊 I didn’t believe this not so long ago but then a light came on for me as it can for you. I have seen it happen to others as well. It’s the light that depression blacks out and hides away in shadow... just let a little light in.... ☀️

I already tried so many times. I give up. I can't see it. I can't see what other people see.

Do you want to?

Want to what?

hawii60
hawii60
in reply to Square251

Moving may not be an option if your country has the same shutdown policy for four months with the virus.

Poodie
Poodie
in reply to Square251

Get some ear plugs.

hawii60
hawii60
in reply to Square251

Can see you are hurting inside at your mum's attitude. She has expectations which are unreal. Here is a list of side affects of Modanifinil-.

black tarry stools -blurred vision -vision changes- chest pain- chills or fever confusion-- dizziness or fainting- increased thirst and urination- mental depression -problems with memory- rapidly changing moods -shortness of breath- sore thrpat trembling or shaking- uncontrollable movements- of face tongue -unusual tiredness.

Other symptoms are back pain- anxiety- headache nausea dry mouth and skin muscle stiffness indigestion- sores- stomach upset tingling in skin vertigo. Another side effect can be ischaemic heart which might you fatigued and weak. You can come off this drug . You were right when you said you did not like the look of side effects of this drug.

This is not your fault at all. No need to reply.

Why is that?

Because she just never stops. She knows exactly what makes me feel worse and keeps doing. I kept telling her to stop but she just wouldn't stop. Telling me to get over it. I reached a limit and started yelling but I controlled myself and stopped. I thought showing her how bad I felt was enough but nope, she just kept going. After that I snapped. This isn't the first time she did this. She just keeps doing it again and again and again.

What is she doing?

What exactly is it that she just won't stop?

"Study, why aren't you studying, oh you're feeling bad? Get over it. Oh you're not studying today? You're planning to fail the year again aren't you? That's what you want to do right? Fail again? Then fail." That constantly on repeat.

Surely, this is one reason that going to a library to study is a good idea.

Is your nearest library still open?

Are any Coffee Shops in your area still open.

Is there a park with a tea room?

Last time we were in a coffee shop there were plenty of empty tables. Ideal place to study. Make sure your laptop battery is fully charged.

I can't even focus at home, there's no way I could focus outside. I'm way too easily distracted.

You have an answer for everything

I did say I'm a lost cause.

Talk to her... break it all down and explain how this is hurting you...

Ok square pants take your head from up your backside go and get a shower and stop draining people.....or I’m complaining to h.u. You’re slipping back into old ways being a pain ....there’s a housebound old lady posting she’s got no food.....keep it real help people don’t drain resources

This thread has the most posts I’ve seen in HU. Im sure there are some that have been longer, but I’ve been here about 8-9 months...This the longest for me. 😁. Nothing we said has been helpful, are we doing it wrong? 😁😁😁😁😁

Well if there was a war on ide certainly want square with me in the trenches

Me too.

I need to know how I can get this many people to stick with me for 12 hours. I can’t get my husband to want to listen to me more than 10 minutes. 😁😁😁😁

Hopefully he hears this and gets his hi buddy cape on as we can’t have this negativity going into the the next couple of weeks

Hi Buddy isn’t ever negative. He should listen to that voice he airs to newbies more often.

Poodie
Poodie
in reply to RoxieDawn

I guess we are not any good at this support stuff !

I guess you told that housebound lady how to get some help ?

i give her some suggestions

Whose resources is he draining? Yours? We are only here to listen. If any thing we say helps that's fine but resources are to do with peoples in put and Square is helping a lot of people with his difficulties to understand his drugs aren't working and he has a sleep disorder. . He is so brave and has had little help from expensive doctors who have not helped him with his drugs or other basic tests which could help with his illness. He has not seen a neurologist nor a neuro psycbiatrist , Believe me there is a world of difference between them and a doctor.

He drained me for one yes and drains others on this thread and site who spend valuable time offering good advice none of which square takes on board they all have their own struggles to cope with ....my approach towards him is more to try and shake him out of the funk he is in .....

You know him from earlier on but it is crunch time in his mind. Your comments are very light hearted and do help.

I think you need a breather ... just step back and breathe and then come back and read all these wonderful replies you have full of advice. Choose one and try to do it . We’re all going through such a difficult time right now and we will all help each other through it. But rejecting all advice and help won’t work

Hey look Square.

If you do take a little break from this thread, I wish you would take a picture to post. Even one out your window. I have no idea what it is like there where you live. I don’t care if it is a pile of dung ( but it would be nice if it was more then just dung). At least take what is next to the dung.

Also I find it heartening to read how all these people are trying so hard to help you. Come on, you must feel all the care and affection they feel for you.

So can you please post a photo as sort of a thank you for trying to help even if you feel you are a lost cause? It would brighten our day and may help you.

And please tune your mother out. If I were you, I might make some long range plans to leave there some day. And no, I have no idea how you can do that. Wait and see. Just start imaging that for now it at least. It is never impossible to dream and imagine as a first step.

Believe me. I am probably older then most of your supporters. You can move forward even if you are stuck now. Take a step and post a photo.

I am going to get out of here and snap one also this weekend.

What is going on there with the covid-19 virus ? Are many people getting

ill ?

There are crisis lines in every country all over the world. if you can find the number there sites all over for referrals for aide. You might find that helpful to get a list of counselors as that is what they provide the referral for your specific needs. Ask for a counselor who understand the autonomic nervous system which is something you could easily use in your life and in your medical career. Perhaps do research to help society and people with attachment issues from early childhood. there are some good attachment counselors. Take good care and wish for you strength to go it alone. You might find in this chaotic world that it is not you but the way you were raised.. Gather your own internal strength to rise above all these past child raising errors. I know I have had many and it takes tons of strength but make a list of what you would find for yourself, not what others want, using what you have gained as your stepping off point to heal the world and yourself.

They say your generation knows how. That you understand the techology better than many older than you. Just need to reach out and do it. I know it is hard now, but grasp what makes you happy now, not the past or even the future for now. If you do not you are not living in the present-- the immediate present, like petting a dog or listening you a favorite song, whatever is now.

None of us know what the future holds and you know the past is only holding you back. That is something you can work on with a counselor but for now what do you enjoy as long as it keeps you healthy, holding onto all you have learned as it will serve you well in the future.

As we grow up conditions or worth are placed on well meaning parents, but they never ask us what do we want. They think they know what is best for us when they are not mind readers. You need to have these conversations when you have worked on this with a therapist. Just my avenue. I wish I had known this at your age. Keep working and figure out the how as you go.

There is a year forum of webinars that are based in the states but people from all over the world are on it. They do some smaller topics but the year is your best real learning and connections to other of likd mind. They had a year program that might help you understand things better. It is National Institute of Clinical Application of Behavior medicine (NICABM) and they charge a fee that is in increments of three payments of $188 for a year last I heard. or maybe this is a forum that could help a future doctor learn about his own mental health. If you have a U tube, go on line and look up Stephen Porges and listen to his broadcasts, one in particular is by a interviewer in Canada on bullet proof Radio. i am not sure where you are located but let me know how that works out for you. I like to learn from others and the NICABM on trauma series is quite enlightening.

Have you ever tried any medications? I just joined so im not sure if you have talked about it before but I know finding the right one helps. It takes a lot to express how one is feeling and its good that you reach out but you are strong. You can fight through these hard times. I’ve been there before and I understand it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel but you can get through these hard times and find the light.

No ones ever a lost cause, just try to listen. You are worth a lot to everyone!❤️

Dear square, no one is a lost cause. Don't ever give up, you will find your light.🌼

I do this. I answer a post and forget to send it . Here goes again.

172 replies! I did not think that possible ! There are so many people in our group who care about you..

I already answered your message. But am curious about what is happening with the virus in Egypt ? Is it very prevalent?

Square251
Square251
in reply to Poodie

It's spreading like wildfire probably and the government is covering it up.

Poodie
Poodie
in reply to Square251

Well keep yourself safe. Six feet away from others, if you have to go out for groc. or meds. , wash your hands well for 20 sec., soap is better then sanitizer but both work, cough into your elbow, stay at home. Wipe down surfaces w an antibacterial spray. I hope they told you that already. ❤️

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