Boyfriend is severely depressed

[Sunwillcomeout12]

I have been dealing with anxiety and depression for quite sometime. It has gotten better with therapy, a new job, and as of September 2019, a new boyfriend. I’ve known him since i was 18 and now, 10 years later we’re dating. He is amazing and I wish he could see what a great person he is. Things were great in the beginning of our relationship. I knew he was suffering from depression but this past month has been intense. He had a traumatic experience happen about two years ago and I know it’s affecting him everyday. He’s been isolating himself from the world, very hard on himself and constantly thinking negatively. He doesn’t talk to me like he use to. We use to constantly text/call and now, I could go a day without hearing from him. He always tells me how bad he feels and how depressed he is. He told me the other day that he wouldn’t blame me for running and that If I did, he would understand. I just love him so much and I hate seeing him like this. It’s taking a toll on our relationship. My anxiety has been bad and I am starting to feel bad for the majority of the day. I’ve suggested therapy because I know I can’t fix him. I always tell him I’m here for him and I know he appreciates it, but at the same time I don’t want him to feel like I think he’s broken. Is anyone in a relationship with someone that’s severely depressed? If so, how have you managed?

[zperry4]

I’m not in the group you mention, but as a dude with depression I think that it’s important to fine tune your communication style for the right balance of nosiness and intrusion, but also space and dignity. As a dude, I feel a massive pressure to suppress, deny, not talk about any of this stuff, especially not people who are close and could actually do something about it. Men can be very like concrete and goal-driven as opposed to process-focused, so he might be very focused on completing this as just another task, instead of focusing on how to stay connected and whole and present during the process of improving. If it were me, I’d want someone first to respect my space and my competency as a person, because I’d only open up to someone who saw me as a an equal adult who just happened to have a problem. Also, I find that hearing other people’s similar struggles can neutralise my feelings somewhat, so definitely share your emotions and pains too. Setting concrete goals for change is good too, like try to regain certain things piece by piece instead of abstractly “getting better”. Hope it goes well, good luck.

[Sunwillcomeout12 in reply to zperry4]

Update: I gave him the space he needed. I let him vent to me (usually via text), when he needed and I thought this was a good sign. He would talk to me one day and then isolate himself for 2-3 days. Yesterday, we were supposed to see each other for the first time in 3 weeks. I was a little nervous because I had a feeling he was going to cancel. I texted him to make sure we were still hanging out. After a couple of hours he responded and broke up with me via text. He said he felt like he was bringing me down and didn’t want me to wait on him to get better. He mentioned that he wanted to be friends. I know he’s hurting and he’s in a tough place, but for my well being, I don’t think I can be his friend. There are too many emotions involved. I haven’t responded to his text. I’ve been too upset to say anything, but when I do, I just want to tell him being friends will be too hard. I’m just afraid of making him feel worse.

[zperry4 in reply to Sunwillcomeout12]

Christ this sounds really rough. It’s messed up it had to end like that and texting is a really horrible way to do any kind of serious communication. If that’s your conviction, then that seems like the good way to go, if you’re feeling that strongly about it, then there’s definitely at least some merit to it. I’d suggest ya know thinking about it for a bit or just talking with him for some period just because of how lengthy that relationship was and how much it meant to the both of you. Also, it doesn’t have to be black and white, all or nothing where you’re not at all in each other’s lives. And none of these decisions are irreversible. But you eminently sound like you know what you’re doing and the fact that you have the courage to do it is probably the most important thing. Good luck again/

[zperry4]

And having that fear is totally natural, but you have absolutely nothing to do with how he himself feels, and as much as that shows your care, you can’t hold on to trying not to hurt him in this. You really have to care for yourself, otherwise you’ll just be multiplying the hurt in the world instead of subtracting.