This was all written in a state of flow. In a situation where I was about to become very anxious and upset about the way someone was treating me, but I decided to put it down instead. Maybe it's just useless ramblings, or maybe it will help someone. I really don't know, but here it goes.
Why do I always feel like I need you, when all you do is bring me down. Why does my pain lift you up, and my truimphs depress you? Why do wish evil on me whenever you seel my soul?
Why do I think I need you, when I know that I'm better off without you? Why do I always feel alone? How could it be that I let it get so far out of hand? Why did you never love me for who I am? Why do I give you the time of day, when you treat me this way?
Could it ever be? That we we're meant to be? Why do I need to believe so badly? You're not good for me. I hate you. I don't want to ever see you again. But I miss you so bad. I want to get you out of my head. I don't want to ever think about the way you made me feel so bad.
I don't want to waste another second going over in my head, what I could have done, when I know it would never be enough. So why, why can't I let go? Why is it so? How do I know when I've had enough? Is it ever enough? Apparently no.
Why do I seek the abuse? Is it because it's all I know? I see other women that I'd like to know, but do I say so? No. When will it end? When I decide I guess. The time is mine. I've got to rely on myself alone. But how can I, when I've utterly let myself go?
The world sees me the way I see myself. As nothing special, the way you always told me that I am. But why did I let you? Is it because I know? Or I don't want to believe anything else could be so? There is a reason hidden inside my mind, like a buried treasure deep inside. Why can't I find you, self? Where did you go, all those years ago?
There has got to be something more. I want to find it, even if I can't do it on my own. I want to go, but I feel so alone. So disconnected and shallow. How could it ever get any better? I've tried for so many years, it feels like the time is up. But I'm still breathing so, why do I give up? What makes me let go of everything I want, without a fight.
It should be a war, I should go down in my grave fighting for what I stand for. But I stand for nothing more. I've let it all go. Is there a way to rebirth the soul? Without you, let it be without you. I don't want you around anymore. You only took your pain and made it mine, so you could search your love divine, leaving me behind.
The cruelty only exceeded by your flagrant disregard for your behavior. I am projecting you onto me. What would happen if I stopped? How could I see what your doing so clearly, but do nothing? I must really hate my own being? It's what I've come to expect. I don't want to be your tool anymore. How do I break free from this evil spell? Is it even possible?
There must be a way to keep myself safe. Not just from you, but from myself. This could never have happened, you could never have left me high and dry, without a hope in the world, unless I allowed you to. So really, I can't even trust myself. What hope do I have now?
Save me from myself! But for whom am I calling out? Who will save me but myself? So how, how do I find out? I've pushed so hard for so long, it's like I'm just not strong enough. But I keep trudging on. Fighting ever upward. But I'm slipping away, I feel myself fading before I even gave it everything.
I can't leave it this way. I don't know how, with this broken mind, and this broken life, and these broken dreams and my broken destiny, that I will ever find a way out. But I am gonna try, til the day I die, to keep myself alive, but not just alive. Breathing it in, taking it all in. Even if I have to be alone forever. Maybe I'm here because I'm the only one who can take it?
Somebody has to face it, perhaps that's my destiny. To be the one that fate turns away from. Nothing more than a sign post on the road marked, "Don't go down this road". But if I have any say left at all, I won't let it be so. It was never about you. You were a shadow I used to hide from myself. Hello now, how have you been?
All alone inside, all these years, and your still alive. Perhaps there is more strength inside than I ever realized, despite these tears in my eyes. I can't let go, not of you, but of myself. I won't give in, I will fight it til the bitter end. If I have anything left to say, my sign will be, "You can return from even the darkest hole". I know, how I got here.
I still don't know where I will go, but I'm seeing something now, feeling a light inside that I've never known, yet it feels familiar somehow. Some will read these words and write it off as the ramblings of a mentally ill fool. And it is so, but I am more than what you see of me now. I am more than I ever even knew.
It won't do a thing if I don't let it show. I've got to let them know, that there is still hope. Is your heart still beating? Is the blood still pumping? Are your lips still breathing? Then there is hope for you, and for me. But one thing I know, I will not go with you wherever you will go. Not anymore. Your headed for the abyss, now I know. I won't go along with it.
You left me, but not really, your still draggin me along the road. How could you be so cruel? I guess I'm not the weaker one after all. You say I'm the cruel one, and maybe so. Us humans we have everything inside of us you know? It's up to us, as we grow, to decide which part of our self we are going to show. But I know, I can't rid myself of this darkness, but I don't need to do I?
I can use, even this broken will, to push ever onward toward the goal. We all die, most before their time. Maybe I will be no different, but not if I have any say so. My whole life I've watched you all. So many people just let go. They'd rather be cruel to someone else, than let themselves know, that it is all up to themselves. Even me. I now know. But will I remember? I don't know.
But I hope so. Hope? Is such a thing still real? In a world full of robots and reason, is there any room left for hope? For love? For faith in something more. This can't be it. This gigantic universe can't be here soley for suffering? Some say it is weakness, not to accept the truth of things, but I do accept them, all too well. Perhaps too well. I've left no room for hope for something more. Isn't that the real weakness though?
How could it be so, I hid from myself and let you torture me so. But no, I hurt us both by doing so. To that I will own. I care not for what is fair, even for what is right anymore. What must be done? But knowing what must be done is the real trick. Is it money? Is it power? No! It's reminding those who forgot that they already know what they need to know, that they know. So go, if you're reading this, you can see that I'm not in my right mind. And so you to, reading the ramblings of the fool.
But the fool is the harbinger of the wise. One can not come before the other, I will have the courage to be the fool, if it kills me, let it be so. I will be a helpless soul no more. There is too much suffering, too much pain, to just sit and watch it go. I can't, I won't, I'll fight, I'll bleed, I'll scream crying in the cold night alone. But I won't let it go, not til it's gone. Not til the very bitter end. I know who I am now, but can I hold on? Is there anything more difficult than holding on?
You won't stop trying to hurt me, and maybe it will go on for a bit longer. But what will you do when I finally put an end to it? Will you face yourself, will you grow? I don't know. But I can say, at this point, I honestly don't care. I want what's best for you, but do you? I don't think so. Maybe I just don't know but the way I see you going, I've been down that road.
I know where it goes. Maybe you need to become the fool too, to find your light? I hope you do, but it's a long road, full of holes and pitfalls and those just dying to eat your soul. Can you stay true to yourself through all that? Maybe that's why I can let it go, I feel like you won't make it. I barely did. Maybe your strong than me, but I really don't think so. Seeing what you did to me, just to feel whole. I dunno. But I'll wish you the best as you go.
As for me, I won't follow, not this time. You'll try to force me, and maybe it will work for a time, but I won't go. I struggle and fuss and pull against your chains. Until you either turn back, or let me go. I've seen it before. When our wills are in a struggle for hope, you always just let go. You'll let go of me too won't you? Your not turning back now.
All those stupid promises you made. The ones you keep making, there just tools to cut me deep. You say things you know you don't mean, in the hopes that when I find the truth, it will break me. But it hasn't broken me, and I'm stronger now than I've ever been. I don't _need_ anything. But there is still a lot I _want_ to do. I will do it.
I'm letting you go, not because I want to, but because I can't go where you're about to go. I won't let you take my soul. Have they already taken yours? Were you ever even really here? Or was it just a dream, like a fleating peace, that never quite seems to be. Whatever the case, I'm on my own. Don't tell me you'll wait, don't tell me you won't see him again. Don't tell me stupid things we both know you don't mean. And if you do, I won't be foolish enough to believe you anymore.
You broke my trust a long time ago. Way back then, I should have let you go. I tried to, but you insisted. Now I know why. Because you'd be where I am now, if I'd have stood my ground wouldn't you? But I guess it's alright. I know where to go from here. Maybe that's why it had to be me. I don't think you'd ever make it out on your own like this. You cling so tightly on to everyone just so you never have to feel it. Now I know where the weakness stems.
We may be branches on the same tree, and I may always pray that your heart one day finds peace. But that's it. I'm severing the bond. If you ever wnat it back your gonna have to _prove_ it. We'll see, but I won't let it control me anymore. You fool! You don't realize it yet do you. Now that you've done what you did, you can't use me for what you need. I won't let you. Not to be cruel, but because I never should have. Look at the monster I made out of you. It's so sad, so horribly, miserably depressing, to see you as you are now.
Trying to stand out, trying to pretend that your all there, that you've got it all. But we both know you don't. Your broke, maybe not in the wallet, but in the soul. I tried to tell you so. I said, "Follow me, I know the way". But you said, "I can't trust a thing you say". Well now we know who can't be trusted.
I don't know how, but I'm letting you go, no matter how hard or how long I have to fight against myself. I am letting you go. You understand me? When the time comes, that your left out alone, I won't give you my hope. Call me cruel, call me evil if you dare. But I know exactly what you'll do. You'll take it, not to let it grow, but to kill us both.
No, no more. Freedom is realizing that you were never mine. Never. I don't even want it anymore. I want to be with others who see my light, not pull me into darkness. If I can't find them, then I'll be alone. Anything but going the way I know I should never go. A decade under the unfluence is enough. I say no, no, no. No more.
Be gone, my wretched soul! I take back what's mine, and leave you yours. Go! This blame I know, it only keeps me still. So I let it go, it's not you, and it's not me, but I know what you do. I know what you want from me, and I won't give you the chance anymore. Go, leave me alone.
xx
