I'm not sure why I'm on here. Desperate last attempt I guess.
Today I've thought so much about suicide.. But I keep thinking that that's all my daughters will remember every Christmas time and the guilt stops me for now.
I just want my life back
Why am I here? : I'm not sure why I'm... - Anxiety and Depre...
Why am I here?
Written by
Lala82
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58 Replies
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Lala82, let us help you get your life back. My mother died December 18th several
years ago, not by choice. Every Christmas is a bitter reminder. Don't do that to
yourself or your girls. Sending love and hugs 
xx
I've literally cried just having people reach out to me. Thank you so much. 🙏
Lala, this is what we do best on this site. Men and women alike who feel
the same pain reaching out to help each other take that step forward.
You don't have to walk alone anymore. xx
I used to be in control. Now nothing goes right. I'm weak, I was never weak. I always worked. I've tried starting 4 jobs in the past 5 months but the anxiety is so bad just trying to leave the house. I wake up having anxiety attacks, in cold sweats. I just sit and cry. X
Oh I so hear you Lala. When my anxiety got so overwhelming, I too cried each
and every day. I became Agoraphobic for years, fearing everything. Little did I
realize at the time that the fear had nothing to do with outside but was deep
inside of me. My subconscious mind was filling me with thoughts of panic and
fear.
I pulled myself up by my boot straps and researched the Mind/Body Connection.
With the help of a good therapist (phone sessions) and learning other methods
in reducing my fears, I conquered both agoraphobia as well as anxiety. Now, I
want only to pass my success forward to let others know it is more than possible
to get your life back again. It will happen when you are ready.
A good book/video to get you started is Dr Claire Weekes' "Hope & Help
for Your Nerves". It will give you the foundation you need to heal.
Practice what she says. I've been where you are. Stay Positive my friend xx
Thank you so much agora. I will see if my library has a copy. I will try anything. I'm not very good at talking and I push people away. I feel like to protect them from my toxicity. I just need something to help that first step xx
We are always here to talk if you need to
Lala82 in reply to
Thank you for your support. It feels like I've been in this place for so long I have no fight left. X
in reply to Lala82
We all here are so tired of fighting, but we try to help each other out
LordKnowsImTrying in reply to
We are ALLLLLL tired smh lol.
in reply to LordKnowsImTrying
My point exactly. lol
How do I get more strength to keep going? X
in reply to Lala82
Just rant or post whatever you need to make yourself feel better. It has helped me a lot, people will support you.
Think of your kids, they need you. Do it for the love you have them. It’s so hard to lose a parent, they’ll feel a void so hard to fill and this time of year will be a reminder of that pain. Don’t do that to them, I know you can get through this, fight to get your life back. Fight to see your daughters on their happy days and on the bad days because they will need you really bad. Happy days are ahead of you, just fight and be patient! You will make it.
Please , please always remember that you are Precious and Loved.
Anything , anytime you want to share just come on here. There will always be someone to listen.
Sending Love and Praying that the Lord will bless you with His Peace.
♡
xXx
Thank you for your support and prayers 🙏❤️
We don’t go back. It obviously didn’t work. We go forward.
You know why I got out of bed today? A young lady Who thinks of me as a surrogate mom is expecting a Christmas present in the mail from me. She loves me. I don’t know why but she does. That gave me motivation to get out of bed. There is no answer for why we are here. It’s easier not to ask the question. Minute by minute at moment by moment and stay in that moment.
Lala82, It's okay to feel down. I hope you realize that ending your own life is never an option or an easy way out. Those who love you and cherish you the most will be left behind in sadness and agony. But most importantly, you deserve to live, thrive and reach your dreams and goals in life even if the road is sometimes unclear. Remember that you matter, your existence in itself is a miracle, your life, and your story matters. This battle is not easy so, think about breaking it down to manageable bits. Start every morning thinking about the day only, let go of any long term thoughts. Just think about how you can add value and meaning to the upcoming 24 hrs. It helped me a lot to say that when I'm down: "I'll deal with this an hour by hour". Whether it's a good breakfast, a warm shower, a call with a friend or family member, a gym session; wake up every morning and create that intention to fight just for today, just for the next hour, keep saying that until the day ends. It's a mind trick, but it works like magic. Most importantly, reach out to professionals who can offer a new perspective.
It will not change overnight, it's a system you need to maintain every day for the rest of your life, but once these new habits are built, your brain will adapt to it and hopefully, it will come easy to you doing the hard things again. It's called the habit effect, and it starts with altering one habit only. I hope that your journey leads you to acceptance and peace of mind ; please remember that you are important and there are many people who love you and wish to see you doing well.
I am here for you too. Send a personal message if you need too. You’re life is important and especially to your daughters who depend on you and love you more than anything. Just remember that god blessed you with this life and children for a reason. Sometimes you just need some reassurance even if it’s from a stranger!
Well done for reaching out. So many of us have reached that place and felt tempted to end things and it only ends things for you. I hope you’ve gained some strength to carry on, this feeling won’t last I promise xx
ChavivLeon, you are more than welcome. I've been reading about brain science recently and I stumbled upon several scientific evidence that our brains can tackle one issue at a time.. with difficult times; even this skill can be altered thus feeling helpless can takes over. I hope you find it useful and please keep me updated on how it goes with you.
I think all people that are here are wonderful people. In a world full of bad things, we are here wonderful. Isn't a sin to let a wonderful human being to go away?
I have felt the same way many times. I believe I can feel better. If I had ended my life earlier this year I wouldnt have had some of the good days with my family on days I am feeling better. I have had an awful time with meds trying to find the right one and having adverse reactions and reading horror stories thinking i will never get better so why bother going on but the truth is I don't know what tomorrow has in store for me. I might get better, you might get better but we will never know unless we soldier on. I am praying for all of us that we heal and find the strength to go on not only for those who love us but for ourselves. We only do this life once and for a short time.
My dads sister just passed this morning, I visited her lastnight at the hospital but she was in so much pain. Funny thing is she kept reaching out her hand ..she was saying dad , dad ..like my grandfather was standing on the other side and she was yelling for him to take her......dec 18
Shes with him now, ...
Stay strong dont think suicide , I know sometimes we cant control our thoughts but I know we can change our thoughts...
Mary-intussuception in reply to
So sorry for the loss of your Precious Aunt
♡ 🌹
My 82 year old friend died on 11th . She has a large family who are all grief - stricken.
God Bless x
in reply to Mary-intussuception
Thank you
This is my favourite scripture and it has got me through many dark times, Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I also discovered my anxiety was caused by a hormone imbalance, I was progesterone deficient. Life is so much better now.
Keep searching for answers, don't just take doctors first answer as they don't always get it right, watch for patterns to the anxiety and use your bible to help you. God is faithful and wants to help you.
Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
God bless xx
I understand how you feel. I’ve been feeling that way lately I have nothing about myself to be grateful for? My health is not good Diabetes, cholesterol, I have a disease that will eventually make me blind. Losing my apartment, landlord is selling it. I have no where to go if the new owners don’t let me stay? They choose Christmas to let us know this, which has ruined my Christmas. I have a learning disabled adult daughter, don’t know what to do about her? I’m waiting to get approval to go back to counseling. I’ve asked god to take me? I’ve lost a brother and 2 cousins to sucide. I know what the other side like. I need my family now, was told their spending Christmas with their wife’s family. What are we chopped liver? I’m Not going to say anything. I hope you can get counseling to help you with this? 🌲
Hi
So sorry things seem to be getting worse for you just now .
Just a thought - if anything happened to you where would that leave your learning disabled daughter?
About your accommodation - could you contact a Crisis Team in Social Services and ask for some guidance / help? Do you have legal rights to stay? Can you find out?
Thanks for your support, we had talked about that before. She said she has a friend she could stay with. I told her friends aren’t usually there for you when it times get tough? She does have an older sister. Don’t know how that would work out? She just moved. Don’t know if she has the room, she’s married. He’s not much of a family type, he doesn’t talk nice about his own family. She is involved with the state disability department. I’ll see if there are living options for her?
I think if this were to happen to me I would be stressing the need for both to be accommodated together. Hopefully there is someone, a law centre or some organisation like Shelter in the UK you can write a short letter to for legal advice and help re your current tenancy. Someone to fight your case for you.
God Bless x
in reply to Want2BHappy3
This time of year is horrendous for so many of us here. But we can get through it. I look at my issues and I’m changing my perspective slowly.
It’s helping
Want2BHappy3 in reply to
That’s good, I’m trying, feel like baking, I love baking to give as gifts. Pumpkin/Cranberry bread and Homemade RR candy. My feelings are up and down. Thanks
I feel like like baking too !
BUT :
the kitchen is a mess
it would wear me out
my feet are hurting so much already.
Just couldn't now.
We can but dream !
Have courage..we r all loved children of God, or universe of higher power, whatever you want to call it..I used to be very depressed, but changing my diet got rid of depression in less than a week..I m not saying it s the same for everybody but it's worth trying..I quit processed, dairy , definitely sugar. Instead I eat fruit, veg, nuts seeds and fish.some rice flour bread, buckwheat pasta etc. Coffee enemas twice a week to get rid of toxins . Read Kelly Brogan s book" a mind of your own". She is a psychiatrist MD explains how to get over depression, anxiety without medication.she changed into natural foods and supplements herself after she herself suffered depression and she cured herself and patients this way. There s lots of info on her site. Think what job would really thrill you, what you would like to be doing in order to feel happy and try to head towards that direction. Check Marissa Peer s videos "you are enough" . Because we all are enough. she explains how society s false distorted beliefs cause us anxiety.Devote the time if you r not working to find yourself. if Others did it, you can do it too!!I you have your girls and yourself to do it for. Think what you want life to give you to be happy. Maybe life will give it to you!
((((((((Lala82))))))) Hug and may you have moments of peace and joy soon.
I know the pain, it’s here with me too, and I desperately want out too, from the suffering through life that is so beautiful but in which our minds fight with us in and we don’t feel good or see that happy beauty... but it’s there somewhere within...and you are beautiful no matter what you feel...praying we can have faith hope and love and that life gets better.
I hope you're feeling better. Here are some suicide quotes:
“When you feel like giving up, just remember the reason why you held on for so long.” – Unknown
*
“If you want to show me that you really love me, don’t say that you would die for me, instead stay alive for me.” – Unknown
*
“Place your hand over your heart, can you feel it? That is called purpose. You’re alive for a reason so don’t ever give up.” – Unknown
*
“If you are looking for a sign not to kill yourself, this is it.” – Unknown
*
“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” – Harriet Beecher Stowe
I needed these today. Thanks to you.
I have had multiple surgeries. Open heart, toe amputation, over 10 minor foot surgeries in the last year. I just started retinopathy laser eye surgeries about 4 months ago. It all activated my anxiety depression. Thoughts of ending life. You can work on it everyday. One thing at a time. Small goals. Go till you complete the small goal. Then target the next. Walk a small distance. Go to a nearby place. Get used to interacting slowly.
I recently got pulled out of a 9 month depression. What saved me was the right antidepressants and the right dosage of antidepressant. Day after day I said to myself I can't take this anymore. I wanted to die so badly but we have kids and I knew they needed me so that's what I lived for. Thank God I did. You have to hold on Lala82 there will be a way out of this!! Keep fighting the fight.
in reply to Newlife73
Oh boy...I needed to read this. How I wish I could find the right combination of meds. I have been hanging by a thread for over 2 years.
Dear Lala82 - YIKES!! What is happening to want your "life back"? Can you list what is missing and what has changed? Guilt or not, having daughters is part of your life and the fact that you're thinking of them means your life will have a heavy impact on them. Your life does have meaning. I'm on an upswing right now, but 3 weeks ago, I was feeling similar to the what you're saying. I was tired physically and especially ground out mentally. I was overwhelmed and felt like a stomped out cigarette butt. I don't even know if my daughter and husband would miss me as a person, but would only miss what I do for them. I feel replaceable, which is not a good feeling. My pets are what keeps me going. Are you on a prescribed medication? It sounds like you need something to stabilize your mental state. Your thoughts are not rational, and you can't think past the pain and exhaustion which means you are incapable of taking steps toward getting your life back. If you don't have anyone to talk to physically, keep writing us. Reading the posts below shows you have a good support group here for you. Don't give up!!
Lala82 please don't give up! I've been down that place before there is light at the end of the tunnel! My anxiety was so bad to where I couldn't leave the house! My husband had to quit his job because I couldn't be at home by myself. I was going crazy and I just wanted to end my life instead of dealing with the anxiety! I couldn't even sleep with out waking up with a panic attack. It's been a few months now and I'm doing a lot better. I can go places by myself now and doing a lot more things. I did see a counselor who helped quite a bit. Just hang in there! Your daughters love you and they probably hate seeing go thru this but u have to hang on for yourself and for them! If you need any help for anyone to talk to message me 😊
There is help out there if it gets to be too much. You should go to a medical facility and check in if it gets too bad. Keep your mind and heart on those girls too and please, please remember you won’t always feel this way. I promise it will get better.
Lala, I hope your bad feelings are subsiding.
I have felt like taking my life previously, I tried to explain these feelings to people that didn't understand.
But on here you have people with the same feelings and strangely it makes you feel as though you belong.
Don't do anything to carry it out.
Remember, what you recover from may one day cause you to comment on here to someone needing YOUR advice.
Phil.
We are all here for you! You can get your life back! And you can be grateful for your daughters and what you do have. Happy Holidays!
Lala. Suicide is never an option. Keep your daughter in your heart at all times. There is a lot of help on this site. Hold on 🙏
I think about it too but I think of everyone dealing with the same thing fighting this battle. I hope someone reaches out to me yes I do feel desperate to communicate with someone
We're here for you too.
Please don't. I'm a person who lost my husband to suicide 13 years ago. U may relieve ur hurt but trust me your daughters will have a pain and hole that will always be there. They need their mom no matter how old they are. Suicide affects those who love you in the worst possible ways. I know life is horrible and hard on your behalf....trust me I think I'm living in hell...but try to use your daughters as a reason to keep going. I wish I could say more to totally convince you not to. But all I can is I hope I have said something to help you not do it. The pain for your family will be neverending. It's been 13 years since my loss and still every day I miss him. I just want to hear his voice hold his hand and I cant. He took that away. And I know your girls need you more than anything in life. Please don't take that away from them. Please don't let them hurt like that. I wish you the best.
X
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