I find that every time I go out into the world that I have to put on a mask. Like I have to figure out a way to seem like a happy person when deep down I am miserable. When I look at other people, especially my close friends and family members, they make life seem so easy. Their schedules are packed with social activities or happy hours after work and they never seem overwhelmed by it. For me, I struggle to even go to the grocery store without feeling completely exhausted. When I had a job, I would just want to come home and be alone. Mustering up the strength to pull it together for a happy hour was like an impossible feat. And why would I want to socialize when I've just spent the whole day faking it? I just don't get it. It's like I have a malfunctioning battery that constantly needs recharging and other people can go days without needing to be plugged in.
I see strangers working or just simply walking down the street laughing with their friends, it seems like they are so happy. I am envious of the simplicity of their lives and how it seems like they don't have this weight holding them down. (Of course I am aware that I have no idea what is actually going on in their lives and this is merely my perception of them) but for whatever reason the feeling of being an outsider always persists. I don't know if its my extreme insecurity or my lack of trust in people but I can't help but think that I don't belong and I will never be able to be a normal functioning person in society. Has anyone ever felt this?