Walking away isn't failure

[Headspace2014]

Hi, everybody. Checking in with the latest.

After 3 months off of work on extended medical leave, I made the decision--with the options available/not available to me--to resign my position at work after many years there. As much as the past 5 years or panic/anxiety, and especially the last 3 have made going to work such a hard struggle, and as much as I dreamed of the release of all of that, I still feel like I've failed to some degree. I get that it had to happen; this condition demands now my full and primary attention, but I still feel like I should have somehow stuck it out.

All the people who truly are close to me, knew my panic/anxiety condition, saw the toll it took and love me are all saying the same things: "Congratulations!" or "you had to change things or you were going to die" or "a brand new life doing what you really want to awaits. I'm so happy for you!" or "you're very brave". I know that they are right. I know that I should take a moment to breathe it in. I know that I did what I had to do and chose myself first for once.

But it just feels like nothing. It's only a couple of days old, though, so maybe the new normal will take a while. I hope so, because today I had an all-day Force 4 panic attack (my rating system; 5 is the very worst) when I should have been...what?....celebrating? Accepting? Taking the first steps on a new path?

This thing of ours is insidious.

Anyway, that's today around here.

[Dolphin14]

I totally get this.

I worked at a very good job for 27 years. I had some issues along the way but dealt with them and did well. In 2014 I had a breakdown I guess it would be called. I had to leave work. I went into therapy immediately. But, there was only a certain time period I had to get well and return. I couldn't do it. I had to resign.

It's been a few years now. I still struggle with it. " why wasn't I strong enough, why didn't I get better quicker, how could This have happened"

My therapist tells me I wasn't a failure. I didn't fail my job or myself. I got sick. I try to keep that in my head but it comes back.

I'm in therapy twice a week. So, I'm still working on myself. I do have a different job now that accommodates my issues and is very flexible.

I have learned I sunk because I didn't get help when I should have.

So good for you. You took a stand for your health and did what you needed to do.

You had that career. I'm sure you were a great worker and did a great job.

Now it's time to take care of you.

[LilyAnnepuppy]

Change sucks. But I’m glad you chose to take care of yourself. And maybe you’re not “walking away.” Maybe you’re “walking towards” health and happiness. One can always hope. Keep us posted. Lynne.

[Beevee]

During my recovery, I knew that anxiety/panic attacks/nervous breakdown (call it what you will but it’s all the same) thrives on avoidance and caused by sensitisation of the nerves brought about by stress and fear ( read Dr Claire Weekes). I took one summer off work to recuperate. I felt I couldn't cope with a job that I used to be able to do with my eyes closed ( note - I’m not a pilot or bus driver).

The time off made absolutely no difference. I was still very highly strung ( that’s an understatement) and learned that whatever I did or didn’t do, my anxiety would still be there. So I bit the bullet and returned to work.

Best thing I did. Why? By doing this, I was telling my anxious brain that there was nothing to fear and gradually, my levels of anxiety diminished and my confidence returned. Had I not done this, I might possibly have remained fearful about working and withdrawn from life.

I’m afraid that I sit firmly in the camp of facing your fears head on, letting yourself feel that fear but doing it anyway. This is the only way to overcome anxiety. I simply wasn’t prepared to have my life dictated by anxiety so I took it with me and lived like I never had it. It was very tough at times but It’s only when you do that do you start getting your life back.

As I keep telling people, to live a normal life, you have to go out and do normal things. It’s is simple as that. Float past all the symptoms. They make you feel uncomfortable but cannot harm you. Anxiety (it’s your fight or flight response) has protected humans from danger since we started walking this earth. It’s just got a little trigger happy because we became frightened of our own shadow, so to speak.

My advice would be to jump straight back into a job and take the anxiety with you. It will eventually get bored and leave because you have other things to focus on, instead of constantly wondering and worrying about how you are feeling. That only serves to keep you stuck in the anxiety cycle.

[CatIsMyCopilot]

Heh, I guess a full force panic attack may *be* you taking the first steps toward recovery. I always like this Claire Weekes quote: "Recovery from panic always lies on the other side of panic, never on this side."

It certainly sounds like it's good to make a change, after years of struggling :/ Do you think your anxiety has been triggered by work? Hopefully this will be a good (though maybe scary too) time to evaluate that.

[Headspace2014]

GREAT quote, Cat. I was never sure if it was the work that created the panic or not. Then, I took the FMLA and nothing changed but the topic. 3 months of that and I was convinced. So, no, this thing of ours just appeared one day and grew and grew over time. The job...it's kind of a strange one and about the worst thing to do for a living with panic/anxiety...just exacerbated it and made the bouts harder for having to hide them, the adrenaline pump longer and therefore, more exhaustion each night. Lather, rinse, repeat. That'll break a body down.

[CatIsMyCopilot in reply to Headspace2014]

I'm considering a job change, myself, so I'm really interested in hearing these perspectives. I know that my anxiety is related to my new job (the attacks started when I started the job), so I want to change the situation, but I also know I want to make progress with it in the meantime i.e. get better at coping.