I don’t know what else to do - Anxiety and Depre...

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I don’t know what else to do

Starrlight
Starrlight
83 Replies

Everyone has been awesome here. Sorry I haven’t been there more for you guys. I’m so sad to say I’ve come to a point in the dark where no matter what is said what love is shown no matter how hard I try to find my way through, I feel something is pushing me back and it’s a very difficult battle and having it almost impossible that I’ll be happy...I might not be around for a while because nothing good comes from me right now and I don’t even believe I can be helped or help right now. ❤️ love ❤️ love ❤️ love

83 Replies
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lillyofthevalley37

Don't look for happiness just take one day at a time

Ask God for strength and guidence

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Starrlight

Yes asking God thank you so

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lillyofthevalley37

God is with you every step of the way I pray you find some peace

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Starrlight

Thank you sooooooo! ❤️

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lillyofthevalley37

I just looked at your profile and posts and see you are tapering off zypressa (Olanzapine ) how is that going ? My husband came off it gradually do you think the withdrawal is why you are feeling depressed?

Starrlight I think it's a good idea to come off it but you must do it gradually?

There are other things that help with BPD GABA for example but don't take GABA with zypressa and don't take too much like I did

Maybe you will need something to.help your depression?

Hold onto the zypressa as it is very good for stopping mania but not good to take every day in my opinion

I am no doctor but my sister had BPD and my husband has it

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Starrlight

Yeah im back on zyprexa and on another for ocd woooohooooo fun times

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Birmanblue

Hey have just read Elliot's post. Welp guess she needs support right away.

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Vectron

God is there always

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Want2BHappy3

We've been back and forth for awhile now, I've read about your Highs and Lows. SORRY to hear that you feel that you are beyond Help? I believe you will get though this. Thing is you have to believe IT? I hope your getting counciling? If Not look into it? Do it for your kids. Wishing you the Best 🙂🙏

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Starrlight

I have an appointment set up with a psychiatrist and therapist. I believe I can feel better but I also believe the rest of the time is just so horrible that if I had the choice I’d pick none,... I have no choice my kids are everything whatever I have to do for them I want to do my best at it all always and that won’t stop I’ll always want to be there for them... yet which doesn’t exactly make sense, I still wish I was dead.

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Want2BHappy3

That's Great that you have those appointments, hopefully it can Help? Sometimes I don't see light at the end of the tunnel also. I hope that don't wake up sometimes. Take care n good luck

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Birmanblue

So sorry you are feeling rock bottom. If you have had a bereavement the separation anxiety of a falling star which you instinctively know is there can be so painful. You are grieving and physically you want to join those you believe to be on the other side. Your family need you now. May be you do need a change of medication as sorry to say some drugs can create more depression and anxiety. Someone said they felt happy on Citalopram and they could get on with their life in the present. At every stage in your children's lives they need you as a support figure . These dips and dives in your moods may be helped with the right medication. Your work sounds absorbing and judging by your photos guess you are artistic . Keep your art flame alive as it is part of your pathway and keep loving those kids ..they need you as one day you might be a grand parent.Your life is precious to everyone you know.

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Starrlight

Thanks soooo much, beautiful.

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Birmanblue

Pleased you have an appointment. I always translate the word light as meaning knowledge. In my quest to understand side effects of drugs olanzipine has a rare side effect of hyper prolactaemia. This is only for women. It is described as neuroleptic induced hyperprolactaemia. Prolactin related symptoms may occur with standard tests. Aripiprazole is a drug used to counteract olanzipine induced hyperprolactaemia.

Your endocrine and gynecology unit may be able to help if this is cause of the effects on the pituitary gland by testing your blood for hyperprolactaemia.

Olanzipine can increase blood sugars and give rise to diabetes. It can also slow down your metabolism increase appetite and make you gain too much weight. Olanzipine can also deposit fat in tissues round the breasts in men. This drug affects the hormones. If you crave sweet foods and high carbs this can be due to olanzipine. The drug also affects the gut bacteria affecting metabolism. Fluctuation in levels of hormones can raise prolactin levels from olanzipine in zyprexa.

mentalhealthdaily.com

...has an article title

Zyprexa and Weight gain :How it causes you to get fat.

Too much prolactin may be one symptom of taking olanzipine and may be you need to be reassessed for an alternative drug for bipolar.

Withdrawal from olanzipine can lead to symptoms of mania anxiety fatigue and headaches. It is catch 22 with strong drugs, so it is worth bringing a beam of light over side effects to your mind and body. Hope you feel better soon.

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Starrlight

Thanks for the info Birmanblue.

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Birmanblue

Have you had tests for hormone menopausal swings with advice on HRT? US is better than UK for recognizing hormonal depression and mood swings..

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Starrlight

Nope but thanks I did get bloodwork done and all checked out

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Birmanblue

Did you get print out to see what was tested? Sometimes test results are on the low side of normal. Oestrogen and progesterone tests are different. If you have a history of PMT of other signs now then expect you will check if you need to. I find sunny bright weather helps mood. Where we live we sometimes have months of wet weather . Winter is draining .

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Birmanblue

Bipolar symptoms can be worse with perimenopause and during menopause . Phytoestrogen supplements in soy beans can be useful as they have oestrogen activity. When people are depressed their serotonin levels are not balanced. To aid the serotonin levels oestrogen helps. Cholesterol levels are reduced to protect the blood. I took phytoestrogen supplements and they did help during menopause. Having had a hysterectomy but still had ovaries the depression and hormone levels were all over the place. I had an early menopause in my thirties and then a later one where the phytoestrogen helped. If you need progesterone as well as oestrogen high levels can be found in sweet potatoes and to a lesser extent ordinary potatoes. No need to reply but hoping that extra supplements with your meds might help.

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artistinresidence

Ive written this to several people an shared in groups about 21 day BRAIN DETOX by Dr. Caroline Leaf. If you want a peek at her you can find several parts on You Tube. She has helped countless numbers of people with depression, anxiety, ocd, etc. But anyone that wants to get help and healthy must know it takes a concentrated amount of work and dedication to get well. God has made us to be well and when sick he has designed our bodies to regain health. Again, we must be willing to do the hard work. We are here to encourage and talk with you...just keep reaching out. There is light...God provides each on of us strength through his WORD, Joy, peace that HE only gives, and community which is here, and around you, at church, or groups of social, garden clubs, volunteering at a shelter, or hospital, go read to the elderly in a nursing facility, etc. Reaching out to others when we are hurting actually helps us to feel better. I did a Thanksgiving serving last year and I met homeless people that were hurting, that were so glad to be at a table being served and talked to like human beings, hearing their laughter at just a silly thing. I was blessed to be giving my time. Jesus said the least you do to a brother or sister you do to me. I will keep you in prayer Starrlight. Read 1st JOHN in the Bible. If you don't have one, you can go on line. NIV version is easy reading. Or New living translation is easy reading as well. God bless

A

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kenster1

we will always help you the best we can star no matter what negativity is holding you back its become the norm for lots of us but we break it down bit by bit and take back control.you are liked you are highly thought of on here your respected but most of all people love you for who you are.without you being around people would be worried about you because everyone really does care that goes for all of us.i don't know if you keep in touch regular with anyone in pm but if your staying off the min forum then let a friend know how you are.please take care.

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Starrlight
Starrlight
in reply to kenster1

Thanks

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newbie56

O, Starr. live up to your name.

Mysterious forces can darken a pathway. Choose light.

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Starrlight
Starrlight
in reply to newbie56

Oh I didn’t realize there was a choose light button, otherwise, I wouldn’t have immersed myself in all of my work to find what sometimes will help. In other words I’m done fighting for now. I have nothing left to live for except to do my job as mom to my angels I have no want for much more.

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newbie56
newbie56
in reply to Starrlight

Dear Starr,

Of course, there's no literal button.

Doing your best as a Mom is what all good Moms do and it will

keep you going. Life is good but fragile and love for my children

is what turned things around for me 45 years ago.

We see how important yours are to you. You can fight this & win!

Blessings await <3

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Jlrg

I'm new to this site but not to depression. I will keep you in my prayers

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Starrlight
Starrlight
in reply to Jlrg

Welcome 💐 thanks and I will pray for you too Jlrg

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Hidden
Hidden

I know the feeling though I don’t want to be dead...just hate ‘living’ like this. Are you on medication? Stay strong though I know that every day is a battle....

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Starrlight
Starrlight
in reply to Hidden

I know but see, every day shouldn’t be a battle. I will not accept that.

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Hidden
Hidden
in reply to Starrlight

I understand totally...believe me I do but please consider the consequences if you leave your children. They will be scarred for life. Trust me, I totally get it...I really, really do. My life was wonderful until I suffered trauma 2 years ago. Every minute of every day is a struggle for me.l

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Sillysausage234

Hi star,we are all a collective of much the same 🤔🌟

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Starrlight

Thanks I don’t feel as disturbingly different ...

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Sillysausage234

You’re not and your lovely posts are great you know the thing I love about this site is the honesty of people, and that’s the reason we can all get something out of being here ,can just say it how it is ....looking forward to some more Starrlight photos 🙃

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hypercat54

Love you my Starr! Big fat hugs winging their way to you. 😘🙌💕💕 xx

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Starrlight

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

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Agora1

Starrlight, Star Bright, I wish I may, I wish I might

Have the wish, I wish tonight x

Keeping you in my thoughts, holding you in my heart. xx

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Starrlight
Starrlight
in reply to Agora1

❤️ thank you sooooo

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Lostmyself65

Take care of you.

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Starrlight

You too ❤️

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NCAQuilter

Starlight, you give so much with your beautiful posts, so it is time for you to just sit back and receive. You know we are here for you. Would a meditation help. Somewhere quiet where you just let in a few of the people who have helped you? I know, other thoughts intrude, but if you keep reminding yourself to come back to what you want to think about, you may find peace. Meditation takes time to train ourselves to keep on track, so not being very good at the beginning is OK.

Hope this will help you, my friend

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Starrlight

I took meditation classes for two or more years so yeah it can help but I fell away from it and I rather deep breathe when I’m this bad off. I’m so unsettled and impulsive and agitated I really should go into crisis care but my kids need me I have their appointments and orientations etc plus what really is crisis care going to do ... I just went there last month and now here I am worse off... I have a lot going on here the house has been gutted our stuff all over the place as we have it fixed up...no matter really so what the chaos of the house matches the caps in my mind that is just driving me mad.

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PeachyLisa

Hi Starrlight...

I wish I may, I wish I might have you fixed all tonight.... if I could take this from you and let myself go through it I'd do faster than a heartbeat...

Be kind and gentle to yourself....breath sister....I'll always be here for you...

I so want peace of mind for you...You'll remain in my heart forever...

Dump trucks of love, peace, light, joy and groovy hugs for you!

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Starrlight

Thank you sis ...sorry I ignored my phone. Man it’s hard to hide out from life there is scary loveliness everywhere. I’m in a really dark place.

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PeachyLisa

I didn't expect you to...just wanted to personally leave you a little message to maybe for a moment bring you a touch of a smile....I'm here for you! I know you are...my gut has been telling for a while now, that is never wrong...I'll do anything for you!

Dump trucks of love, peace, light, joy and groovy hugs!

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Agora1
Agora1
in reply to PeachyLisa

Sometimes, a song can say it all :) xx

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PeachyLisa
PeachyLisa
in reply to Agora1

I couldn't agree more Agora .... thank you ...

Dump trucks of love, peace, light, joy and groovy hugs!

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Starrlight

((((((((((((((((((((((A squeeze and a thank you sooooooooooo)))))))))))))

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PeachyLisa

Oh no need to thank me....

What would be a dream come true for me, and oh I pray, is for you to see the beautiful, loving, amazing mom , caring and kind sister, wife and mom that you are...

May you have the most beautiful dreams when you lay your beautiful self down to sleep tonight...

More dump trucks filled with love, peace, light, joy and groovy hugs!

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Starrlight

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

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NCAQuilter

Boy, what challenges you're facing! So much chaos would overwhelm me. Can you ask for help with appointments, etc? Or can you hire help to organize the house so it is more functional while the fix-its are going on? Or, maybe a friend could help. I wish I were closer, I'd come over in a New York minute.

You do have your appointments, and they may be a big help. I hope it's soon.

You are in my prayers for peace.

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Starrlight

Thanks prayers for you too. Thanks for the suggestions. I’m sorry I can’t say much more I’m just so done.

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Green47
Green47
in reply to Starrlight

It is ok! Sometimes friends remind me to stop apologizing. You are here for a reason and I am grateful for you. I am grateful for you expressing what is true for you and sharing. I appreciate and am glad to hear you acknowledging your needs to give yourself a rest. And just be!

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Green47

Starrlight, I hear you and in some ways I relate too. I feel your pain and discomfort. This too shall pass. And I know that good can come from even this. I wish lots of good for you. I am praying for you.

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Starrlight
Starrlight
in reply to Green47

Thank you!

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JEG325

Betcha I'm more stubborn than you are, S. You say you're done fighting. Well, I'm not done fighting for you by a long shot! [Every rose is laden with thorns, but it's beauty in our hearts adorn....The colors are love shining though and I send this love straight to you....No matter the hour or the day, may peace and joy guide your way!....I will pray for you all the time and ask God to put your life in rhyme....May you wake amid the sun's bright rays and live in this world, I beg, please stay!] For you, my one and only bright shining star of a friend!

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Starrlight
Starrlight
in reply to JEG325

U. R. Sweet.

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JEG325
JEG325
in reply to Starrlight

Maybe but, I certainly am your friend!

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HiddenThis reply has been deleted
Starrlight
Starrlight
in reply to Hidden

So far I really like the observing spiritually and in my world nothing goes wrong. Thank you for this Fragile so I finished listening and my fav is 101 which has to do with our planet’s energy being the same energy as our every thought across the mind as a star goes across the sky.

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fragile58

Your welcome Starrlight ❤️

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Nekupa95

We love you soooo much ❤️♥️

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Sadegirl

I've been there, I attempted suicide 2 times. I've been on all kinds of medications. I lost everything I owned. This went on for 10 years, I was so exhausted from fighting myself. It was the darkest place I've ever been and felt. Then one day my psychiatrist mentioned Cyclothimia and gave me a pamphlet. We then began to change my medications once again. But this time it helped dam near almost cured my depression. The medication I contribute this change to is gabapentin. There is hope, dont give up! I'm working again, I have my own place and go out. My relationship with my family is incredible. You will be happy again very soon! Lots of hugs and kisses!

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Starrlight
Starrlight
in reply to Sadegirl

I don’t know if this wishing to die will go or worsen but my kids don’t deserve to have a depressed or dead mom... have psych doc and therapist appointments lined up

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Sadegirl
Sadegirl
in reply to Starrlight

I was raising my 3 children when this all happened with me, I was a single mother. My children are why I didn't have a successful suicide attempt. After the first suicide attempt it left my children feeling empty and in so much pain. They said it felt like I wanted to leave them. So after that I fought hard internally with myself to stay for my kids. It's a battle within you. But you are going to win. Make sure you see your drs get help, soon this will just be a horrible memory.

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Rainbowflute

Dear Starrlight, you have done the right thing coming on here to tell us how you are truly feeling and allowing us to support and encourage YOU! Don’t even worry about replying to everyone just soak up the love that is here in abundance for you (do let us know how you are doing though) I too have a lot of struggles. I want to say “I’m done!” but my parents need me and I hold onto one thing...hope...I have to hold onto my faith because without it I lose all hope! Hope that things happen for a reason, hope that God has better things for me in the future, hope that this is just a season that shall pass! Without this hope I don’t think I could carry on! Try to hang onto Jesus and to hope! There’s a great song that I want to share with you! I don’t want to risk losing what I’ve written so I’ll go and find the link and post it separately. Please hang in there! I’m joining with everyone else in praying for you! Love and hugs xxx

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Rainbowflute

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Rainbowflute

And I’ve found another one but while I know it’s hard we need to trust that it’s true!

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Kriskomp

Get to your nearest urgency ward and ask to see a phscyatrist immediately and explain to them, they can help you, just be totally honest with them

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Starrlight
Starrlight
in reply to Kriskomp

Just went there a few weeks ago.

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countryboy1

Wait a minute Sfarrlight. What do you mean by darkness? Please describe the darkness that you are referring to. And also why cant you feel love? Are you seeing a therapist?

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Starrlight

I can feel love but it’s harder when I’m so depressed.

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countryboy1

Please describe your depression? What is causing your depression? How does the depression make you feel?

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Runningfargal

Hi Starlight,

I don’t have any brilliant words for you. I feel like I’m pouring from an empty cup lately. But I still have something left that says stay. Your thoughts, your feelings mimic mine. I understand, many here do and they have survived, that is what I hold on to. Please keep coming here as much as possible, as many times as you need. You have support and you have love. I know it doesn’t feel like it, and sometimes we can’t feel, it but we keep reading it until we do. DBT skills (I don’t preach anything but a few things stick with me) talk about “riding the wave”. I have a wave bracelet I never take off to remind me of that. You ride out these low and dark times knowing at some point, with lots of help, they will ride out and become calm again. I understand words don’t mean a lot right now but all you have to do is read them, hear them on some level right now, that’s it. Keep going, one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

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Starrlight

One minute one hour one day wishing to die or wishing to feel better I feel like I try too hard tired myself the fuck out and it’s just going to be what it’s going to be I’m so tired I’ll see what comes my way.

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Jodiebell

Are you ok and are you getting professional help? Believe me I’ve been here ( Bipolar Disorder) and thought I would never get better.Concrete plans made for worse case scenario- but thankfully didn’t go through with it .I really do hope you are getting help .I know how hard it is to reach out but it really is essential 1one day at a time.When you feel like this anything you manage to do is a huge achievement, when even getting out of bed seems impossible xx

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Starrlight

Thanks I’ve accomplished a lot but still miserable sad angry tired

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Jodiebell

How long have you felt this way? Self care is so important, but I know that when you feel like this it’s near as darn impossible

Have you had any counselling or therapy.Mine saved my life and helped me to hold it together until it eventually passed ( it took a long time but , eventually, came out the other side.)Its so helpful to have someone completely non judgmental and supportive to help you through- not really advice, just constant support with no lectures x

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AlwaysSmiling5

Starrlight, I am still new here, but I want you to know I care and I am sending hope and hugs. No matter what, you are not alone...❤

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Starrlight

❤️

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Dutch-girl

Please, please stay strong for your kids...I always wanted kids but don't have any. You are blessed to have them. If nothing else, live for them. Be a role model for persevering through the rough times. Put all of you into caring for them; try to distract yourself from your difficulties by pouring your of your love and care into their wellbeing. When this darkness passes, and it will with proper treatment, you will be glad you did not give in. I wish to die everyday day; I pray for God to take me now. But I have learned my parents need me as they become elderly, and for now I have to help take care of them. So that is my purpose now. I hope by the time they pass God will show me another purpose at that time. Your children would be devestated if you were to leave them, so I feel you have no choice but to stick around and make the world a better place with you in it. Take it one day at a time. When I'm really down I spend time preparing a lovely meal for my parents...even if it takes most of the day to shop, cook, make dessert, clean up. I've passed time, did something productive and delighted them with a great meal...that bring joy. You have great purpose! Take care.

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Starrlight

I do have great purpose and I’m not trying to lessen it with mental illness...how I feel is terrible that I would ever think of leaving my amazing kids and I live for them. Pretty much all that I do is for them.

I’m sorry you are in so much pain too. I’m glad you can put your energies into preparing meals for your parents. Blessings to you and your parents.

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Aloneinvegas

You will be there for us when you can. Until then, be there for YOU. If that means you vent negativity here, that's ok. Please know this group as a whole relates to your difficulties. We are in the same group, afflicted with some degree of mental illness. We're here for YOU on days when we mentally can. You'll be there for us on days when you mentally can. We're here for you to run to. On days when you feel like you need to run from, go ahead. Otherwise, this group will be here when you're reading to run to again. All good energies sent your way today! With hopes for a peaceful brain until then.

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Starrlight

Thank you. I feel mean. I keep wanting to react with harsh words to like everyone without thinking first and I’m just barely able to control it.

I’m trying to let myself chill. No one else can. It’s up to me and I have to believe I can yet not put too much pressure because with a mental illness makes everything harder. I need to listen to my limits and boundaries.

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