Looking for people who can relate.

[Teo1999]

I feel like i am not worth anything, ugly, dumb. My childhood has not been so great, since my pregnant mother passed away when i was 2 years old. I was raised by my father's sister for a while after that. Lets just say, she made sure i hated myself. She abused me both mentally and physically. For example she used to describe to me, how she would kill my mother's sister, who was my only hope of getting out of that situation. I live with her now. I could talk about things like that all day. I am an honor student. I was even given a golden medal for it. not joking. I have 70 precent scholarship at my university.Yet i feel like the dumbest person that has ever lived. I am physically allergic to failure, i get red rashes. I started to have panic attacks. I took a semester off to deal with it, but now that my september semester at a new university is cat bay, my situation has worsened. Start of the new study year seems to be the trigger for me. I am scared that i won't be able to study, even though i have been functioning with my depression for 12 years. I am twenty . I have been getting therapy for 1,5 years now. I am unable to make friends at all, because of my beliefs that i am a bad and worthless person and whoever decides to befriend me is not good either. I just recently started taking antidepressants . I feel even worse. I have researched and found out that it is normal and soon i will get better. I hope to find people who can relate and have possibly battled and won this kind of addvercities . I feel really hopeless and empty most of the times, but some days are better as well. I desperately want to have a better self-esteem.

[CatIsMyCopilot]

I'm sorry for all the things you've had to go through I hope the anti-depressants help. They seem to help may people here.

[Layla84]

Hi Teo, I can somehow relate to you. You're still young and future is in front of me. I am 35 and has been depressed for several years. I've been with so many therapist, 6 or 7 the least. None of them managed to solve "the puzzle" until recently I met great therapy. So in regards to therapist, keep searching and until you feel comfortable and know the person can help you, if not move on and keep looking.

I never had depression during my non marriage life. Suddenly something just triggered the depression a year after marriage. Long story short, my latest therapist helped me to discover - it had something to do with my childhood..

What you experience may have been the result or a product of a childhood. I found talking to my therapist is very helpful. Also, I participated in life coach seminar which HELPED ME A LOT. I am OCD borderline, still dealing with it but maybe less. I have 3 children and I hated it (again this has been the affect of my childhood) and couple month ago I found out that I am pregnant again.

At this point, depression came back and just moved to another State. A lot going on right now.. It's hard to take care of yourself when you have to take care of your children. Note: I don't work which makes it harder on me..

I don't feel attractive or pretty as well but my husband always thinks otherwise.. I know it's just the way we look at things and honest to God people don't look at us that way at all.. I put up a painting says "I am Beautiful" and it helps me a bit to feel comfortable in my own body

I hope you find the help you need and I hope I can be much of a help.. I am here if you need to talk to me or other members in the group Stay strong and you're braver than you think you're and smarter than you think you're.

[Layla84]

I know it's hard to socialize and make friends when you feel hopeless or lonely. You feel like people out there won't understand you. Make a baby step. Make 1 goal or plan with your social life. If you like yoga, maybe try to sign up for a trial class, join community service. You are blessed to have all the time you want for yourself and not too worry about taking care of children or someone else. I am making a small step as well, I told myself a week to join local support group but I didn't attend. I promised I will attend the next one which is tonight. I will update you on that

[Teo1999 in reply to Layla84]

I have tried many things but most of the people try to use me or feel better by degrading me, of course it is because i dont love myself so i let them.

[NoRegret]

Hey, I am much older than you, however I am very familiar with the symptoms you describe. I have had severe Social Anxiety Disorder and panic attacks since I was young. My childhood mirrors yours to some extent. Throughout the decades I have been able to hold symptoms at bay with counseling and meds. For me paxil or zoloft has helped and wellbutrin for depression. Embracing and learning about what was causing my feelings has helped me too. Have you been diagnosed? Curious, is your living situation the only option for you?

I'd like to add that I see from facts that you are an amazing student, you are soo smart. Be proud of that gold medal. I would venture to guess you are not ugly but rather beautiful inside and out.

I'm going to paste SAD information, if you recognize anything maybe you can talk to your counselor about it?

The physical symptoms of severe social anxiety include:

Shakiness, trembling

Elevated heart rate

Chest tightness or a choking sensation

Dry mouth

Dizziness or fear of fainting

Awkward, stumbling speech

Muscle pain and tension.

Nausea and vomiting

Slowed thinking processes; an inability to focus or concentrate

Sweating of the palms

The psychological and emotional symptoms of social anxiety disorder include:

Intense fear of being negatively judged, based on inadequate social performance

Constant worry about saying or doing something embarrassing

Feelings of severe awkwardness or inferiority

A fear that others will notice the social anxiety sufferer’s discomfort and reject them because of it

Extreme reluctance to express opinions or initiate conversations, motivated by a fear of being dismissed as stupid or pushy

A powerful desire to never be the center of attention

Anticipatory anxiety: a debilitating fear of social situations before they arise

Feelings of shame and inferiority during actual social encounters

Harsh self-judgments following conversations or other interactions with people

Be Well Teo1999

From Grandma KJUT

[Teo1999 in reply to NoRegret]

I have experienced most of the symptoms by now. In some social situations i do great. For example at class, discussions, group projects. I just cant seem to make any friends, i don't really trust anyone. I have very specific triggers. I am not in a bad situation anymore, and it is fascinating to me that when i had a very bad situation i never cried or had an attack. Nowadays when i am completely free it just came out. I managed for so long. I feel so weak now.

[NoRegret in reply to Teo1999]

I am so glad that you are not in a bad situation. Isn't that amazing how very strong you know you are to have gotten through the bad times? If you feel too weak to embrace this day...just start with embracing this minute with a peaceful mind. Thinking of you

[Teo1999 in reply to NoRegret]

Thank you, i dont know you either so it is easier for me to talk to you

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to Teo1999]

I’m no shrink but my immediate reaction to your fascination of it not coming out until you were out of the unhealthy situation was; of course, you stopped being treated the way you thought you deserved to be. For many many years I felt like I had to justify my existence. I was terrified of criticism and the opinions of others were more important than my own. I looked for approval from everyone, but would gravitate towards people who validated my negative view of myself. After many years of treatment, my self esteem improved greatly (to the point I have to work on my self righteous ego sometimes). I teach people how to treat me and try to cultivate those relationships with people who like me for me. I once heard the phrase, “God doesn’t make junk,” and then asked myself,”Who was I to disagree with His handiwork?” You can go to bed tonight with the knowledge that you helped a lot of people today by sharing your struggle. I, for one, am grateful to you. Lynne

[Teo1999 in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

I, too attract people who try to put me down all the time. For example one boy told me i would never have a chance with him. I never asked for it. Everyone started laughing. He was not a looker either, not that i would ever judge him for that, but that affected me on a very deep level. I remember their opinions better than good ones. When someone tells me i am dumb i assume they must be right, but when i am complimented on my looks or anything else i just tell myself "yea right, what does this person want from me".

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to Teo1999]

You said you just started on antidepressants. How long ago?

[Teo1999 in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

About a week ago. I now my symptoms will get worse for a while, but being woken up by terrible dreams and escalating heart beat for a week is not much fun. My heart only calms downs after 3pm. I also lost 5 pounds. Cant keep anything down.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to Teo1999]

Have you called your doctor about the side effects you’re having (vomiting, heart racing, etc)?”

[Teo1999 in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

yes, he says it is normal.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to Teo1999]

Glad you checked about those side effects. You say you’ve been seeing therapist for 1.5 years. The same one? Has there been improvement?

[Teo1999 in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

not the same one. I had two others before this one. I have bad episodes, that are triggered by specific things. For example i am transferring to a new university and giving up on some of my plans for a while because thinking about all three together sends me into panic attack instantly. Now i am thinking that i will never be able to do those things or study at the university, which makes me depressed.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to Teo1999]

I totally understand the overwhelming panic I feel when I think I’m faced with events I have planned. I’ve been practicing, for over a year now, paying attention to the moment and only “doing” or “being “ all I can at that moment. Planning or thinking about those future events can only be handled when I can think about them without anxiety. I put one foot in front of the other and merely do what I can. Often that is nothing I think I “should” or “need” to be doing. But my experience during the year and a half is the opposite of what I expected. It has produced better results then when I was pushing myself and trying to “control” my future. Hope this helps. And hope this particular medicine is the one to work for you.

Oh, and I still am talking with my therapist about my defect of trying to do better than my best. I’m a perfectionist and that hasn’t totally gone away (to say the least). I choose to try to be satisfied with patient progress.

[NoRegret]

Anytime

[NeuronerdDoaty]

Well you’ve got to get that other persons recording out of your brain. I can’t imagine the things you were told at such an early age but it wasn’t true. She had issues. She put her issues on you. I’m sorry you weren’t saved from her. Now get her issues out of your head. Put it in her voice and know it’s wrong. It’s just a recording from someone who needed help.

You are worthy. You are valid. Don’t take on others issues. You can separate your brain from this old tape playing in your head.

[crowningglory19]

I am so sorry! It is terrible what some adults do to kids! I am glad you are in therapy and caring for yourself and obviously very excelling in spite of you feelings of failure. Something that has helped many is these things: Take magnesium malate and ginseng. They calm the mind body and spirit and get rid of sticky negative thoughts. Speak out loud positive truths to counter the negative things said to you. Get outside and lay on grass, look at sky and remember the bigness of life and it will take your focus off of your feelings of not being worthy. You are worth loving and acceptance, you should be proud of yourself and say that to yourself often. Helping others helps us too, so maybe volunteering is a great thing too. Speak to yourself as you would to someone else you love who is down, Breathe deep in acceptance and love and out fear of failure and depression. Do something new, take risks that are fun like painting, rock climbing...things you can say I'm proud of myself about. You will heal, you will overcome. <3

[Teo1999 in reply to crowningglory19]

Thank you, i am really trying. I have history of mental illness in my family. I often get scared that i might become like my abuser, who was medicated like me when she was my age, only difference between us is that she is very self centered and blames everyone except for herself. I am really paranoid that i might end up like her, alone in a huge house with marble floors and blaming the world for my shortcomings. I really don't want to disappoint people i love. I see that they suffer when i suffer as well and that makes me even more scared of having other panic attack, which in turn gives me panic attack it is a loop. Its kinda funny.

[crowningglory19 in reply to Teo1999]

Well, try the things I suggested, see if they help. You do not have to become like your abuser, even if you have some of the same problems. The fact that you care and are watchful helps a lot and shows you probably will avoid that. <3