I have never talked to anyone or written anything about some of these things that are eating away at me. Even now as I write this, I am feeling my entire body go numb... I don't even know if this is a good idea but I have nowhere else to turn. I have been married for 8 years. I have 2 beautiful children with my husband, but the past year and a half has been a nightmare. We had my mother in law living with us at one point, I had a miscarriage on 3/7/18, my husband refused to come inside the hospital until I had to call him from an emergency room nurse's phone and tell him I was miscarrying. He was being very verbally and emotionally abusive during and after. His exact words on the way home were, "we will adapt and overcome"... while I sat in the passenger seat and felt utterly numb inside and out. I couldn't cry, I couldn't move, I couldn't speak. I work 40 hours a week while he stays home with the children (he is a vet with a bum hip), he doesn't help with the house work, caring for the children when I get home and he is on his computer 24/7 unless he takes hours long naps. I do all of the bill paying, all of the grocery shopping, all of the school paperwork, doctors appointments, etc. And yet he still makes me feel like I am a horrible mother when the kids are having a bad day. The last argument we had, he told me I wasn't doing my job as a mother. I am emotionally drained and I don't know what to do. I have to be perfect at every moment.... I am not allowed to have feelings or anxiety it feels like.
New to this. : I have never talked to... - Anxiety and Depre...
I am so sorry for the loss of your Precious child last year.
You haven't even had the time and space to grieve have you. Still early days
You shouldn't have to be perfect - nor available 24/7.
I just don't know what to say about your situation but feel that you MUST get some rest. Some quality time to relax and catch up on some sleep.
Could you plan a family outing? Just you two and your children (no in-law !) What do you all like doing? Trip to the Zoo ? Seaside? But try and get some rest first.
Hope you find a way through all this.
Thinking of you and keeping you in prayer
God Bless x
No I have not had any time at all to process anything or feel anything. My husband told me I was having rage issues and mood swings and I blamed myself telling him that I am angry at myself, not him. Which is partially true, I am so angry with myself for not being able to save our baby. I have no time for sleep. I get 5 hours max a day and most of the time I am awake for 17-20 hours a day. I am never caught up on my house work and I feel like I am drowning. Always. Thank you for your kind words and prayers, it's just nice to be able to say things.
It's not your fault you lost the baby. And you can't be perfect 24/7. I understand where you are. I work a stressful job and my husband is disabled. I know that he has limited mobility and is very weak, so keep reminding myself that he can't help around the house. Someone stopped by last week and there were dishes in the sink. I was mortified, but have reflected on it and realize that it's not the end of the world.
I worry about you that he may be undermining your self esteem. My first husband was verbally and emotional abusive and manipulative. It took me years to get over that and feel worthwhile again. All you can do is your best and love the children you have.
I try my best every day, especially with the kids. He also has limited mobility, can't stand for long periods of time. I remind myself that it isn't his fault but it is a lot of things to worry about all at one time if that makes any sense. I have not had self esteem for years, I have been victimized my entire life verbally, physically, emotionally, sexually. The anxiety was bad in my teen years and has reared it's ugly head more times than I wish since the miscarriage. I just don't know how to control it... sometimes I will sit on the couch frozen and trying to breathe through it because I can't let my kids see it.
And now here I am, in my bed. Alone again. Listening to my husband laugh at whatever it is he is watching on the computer. Agonizing over the thought that it’s not me he is laughing with or enjoying time with. I was rocking my two year old to sleep on the couch like I do most nights and he says, “he will never grow up if you keep rocking him to sleep” and in that moment, I didn’t care what he said because my baby was looking at me and all I could think was that he was safe and happy.
All these comments and jibes that your husband makes actually show more about what he feels about himself rather than you. He's not happy with himself, feels inadequate maybe, not the 'man' or person he should be, doesn't like himself at all & projects that on to , takes it out on, - you. Escapes into his computer, rather than face up to things too painful to acknowledge. It's possible that he's even jealous of the loving and lovely relationship you have with your children. He doesn't love or like himself or his 'lot' so he can't show his love for anyone else.
Hope you do find a way to catch up on some rest.
I think you're doing the right thing - letting his comments go over your head as you keep your children safe & happy. What a beautiful, loving & caring Mother you are.
Thank God for Mothers like you.
From the way it sounds you are a fantastic mother! Don't let anyone take that from you.
My apologies for your lil angel.
They are always flying with You.
You are allowed to feel, no one is perfect. It's good to express what is really ailing you. I hope your husband understands that. I do pray you find the time to rest & take care of you. Let the burdens loose & you will make a way.
Today I worked and on my lunch break I practiced driving my friend's truck. I do not have a license, I am trying to fix that though now. (My mother's ex husband and one of the people that abused me, was very controlling and used homeschooling my sisters and I as a way to control us. Never let us leave the front yard, communicate with peers, or take drivers ed. I never got it because I was so scared of failing and I could hear his voice every time I was behind the wheel telling me I couldn't do it. Being so critical in every move I made.) I came home and tried to rest for 30 minutes on the couch, my kiddos were very rambunctious today. But I don't mind really, I got up. Played with them a little bit and did my dishes and fixed dinner. Surprisingly, I actually got to see my husband for more than a few hours before he went to bed at 5:30. Gave my kids baths and laid with them and listened to bedtime stories with them until it was their bedtime. I am about to head to bed now myself. 3am comes too quickly for work.
Well today has already started with a fight. I told my husband I need more time with him and for him to be on the computer less and all I got was, “you always want me to change my hobbies and who I am but you do nothing to change yours. And I’m just going to sell everything.”. My hobbies include, working, taking care of the house and kids and sleeping. I don’t know what he wants me to change but it has me feeling guilty now for asking for more time with him.