How not to push too hard

[watmann8]

Hi everyone,

a loved one of mine is experiencing very tough times with his depression. He pushed me away and I am having hard times in supporting him. We didn’t talk for more than a week after a tough talk and I tried to start with asking how he is doing, but he didn’t reply. I asked if we can walk in a park when I will be around his place. He said that he is away and didn’t answer when he will be back. He was hoping we can hang out soon. At least he said so. Maybe I am pushing to hard? I want to help, but I don’t know how to get to the optimal amount of communication that doesn’t feel forced. I know it’s a personal thing, but it would be nice to know what frequency would be really acceptable in the tough days? On average.

Thank you very much.

And sorry for not knowing enough

[Joanne1972]

Gosh this is a tough one, I think in this situation I would just keep the line of communication open, with gentle reminders from time to time saying something like..thinking about you, hope things are ok, I'm here is you need me or if you want to talk or .......n then insert something that you used to do together before the depression hit. I know sometimes in a depression I don't want to talk about it...to anyone and being pushed to open up when you don't feel ready or just don't want to talk gets me annoyed and irritated.

Are you trying to talk to get the person to seek medical help? Maybe you could get a leaflet about depression and help available in your area and just slip it thru their letterbox, they don't need to know who posted it and then let your friend decide to get help for themselves rather than feeling pushed into it.

It could be that your friend doesn't want to go into it with someone so close and risk saying something the other person might be upset by and maybe talking to an outsider would be easier.

I think the frequency of reminders depends on how much you used to communicate before the depression, I'd say maybe half it or maybe once a week.

I think if I got no response back after about a month I would write a heartfelt letter and pour out you worries and how you want your friend back, just nice stuff, nothing cronfrontational, not offering to fix everything or telling them what they should be doing, just mention how much you care about them. They can read and re read that letter whenever they need to and hopefully your loving words can trigger a response to seek help

Maybe you could contact one of the mental health charities n speak to someone who might have more advice for you

Wishing you and your friend all the best

Jo 💕

[watmann8 in reply to Joanne1972]

Thank you very much Jo I think your idea with a letter is very nice It is very hard from my side to see this and I feel that he knows it and tries to protect me in his way. I already asked about a doctor this spring and he signed up (which I find extremely brave from his side), but because the Dutch system is very slow, his first appointment is in August. The problem is that things got really escalated in the last months. We used to see each other twice a week and now it’s once a month. Another problem is that I am myself a very impatient person, so it’s a huge challenge for me right now to be patient. Anyway, following your other advice I will talk to my GP next week whether I can get some advice and help from professional too. I really don’t want to loose this person. Also, I think I will reread your message time to time when I feel impatient. Thank you again

[Coop1313]

I’ve been dealing this with my son fir years now. I used to ask several times a day “How are you doing?” thinking I was being a caring person. Little did I know that every time I was asking him, it was getting him more and more depressed. I have learned to back off. It is extremely hard to do. I want to help but apparently me asking him how he is doing is a reminder of how poorly he is doing. I have found that me living my normal life has been the best thing for him. As tough as it is for he, it shows him that I am not thinking about him night and day and that was putting extra pressure on him to be “normal”. Now my situation is different from yours because we live in the same house and I get to see him when he does come downstairs. All of my trips up those stairs, which used to be very frequent (maybe 10-12 times a day) are gone, and it seems to have helped our situation. Sometimes people who are dealing with depression and anxiety, need to see the other people in their lives living a normal life. It shows they must not be too bad and aren’t such s burden. I know each situation is different, but this detachment strategy have helped our family. Hope this helps and feel free so write anytime.

[Hidden]

I would just let him know that you're there and he's welcome to contact you at anytime

[crowningglory19]

Hi there, you haven't done wrong, tough talks are needed sometimes and it does take time for them to process and accept, so expect some space and time before hearing back but they are thinking on it. Just hang in there, be available when they call and say a prayer for them if led. We all need someone who speaks truth, even if it's hard to swallow. =)