I don’t want

[Starrlight]

I don’t want to be this way. Yesterday I tried to succeed. I constantly overlooked the hurt. I try to protect you because I know the pain you are in. I love. I pray and hope. But I hit the bottom failing every time I try for something worth rising up for. I am in too much pain today. So today I’m not trying. And tomorrow I will give up. I will let myself down. I will fail. I will still feel the hurt. I will still be there for you to protect or at least to try. I love you. I will keep praying but I won’t expect since I’m tired of being disappointed. I don’t want anymore.

[JEG325]

You want the same thing we all want, S. I am writing about it now. It's a beautiful land called somewhere. A place where people acknowledge who we are and give us our due. A place where we can rise to the occasion and succeed when needed. Too many of us end up on the island called nowhere. A place where we're all alone. It's up to us to grow wings and learn how to fly from nowhere back to somewhere. I'll pray that you and I find our way there soon. Have as blessed of a day as you can, S...

[Starrlight in reply to JEG325]

I don’t want anything anymore for myself. I just do want the people I love to be okay. I am not okay. I wonder for how long I can handle the pain I have. I feel like I’m always trying to get better for other people so they will not worry or because they’d miss me if I left. But I’m just done now. I can’t take it anymore.

[JEG325 in reply to Starrlight]

You are not alone, S. I am here too. I will stand beside you. No one on this site is 'okay'. We all have pain. Right now yours is worse than mine but, I still feel some. But, 2 hearts can stand together better than 1. Use my heart and strength for awhile too. Let it cover you and protect you. Remember, in order to help the ones we love we must be able to co-exist where they are too. Stay in their world and absorb their love too. Your family love you. Love heals a lot. You have people here who care for you too. Let us all shoulder some of the burden. We'll stand strong for you in your hour of need. I know I will! And S? You do want something for yourself, you want the people you love to be okay. Rest assured they want you to be happy and okay too. My ears and shoulders are open for you all day when you need them....If you drink in all of the love around you, the thirst of loneliness and pain can't reach you!

[Starrlight in reply to JEG325]

Thank you. I just don’t want to keep going anymore. I feel so stupid and ridiculous i cant help these feelings.

[argh52 in reply to Starrlight]

If you had the flu, would you feel stupid and ridiculous about your fever?

[Starrlight in reply to argh52]

thanks

[JEG325 in reply to Starrlight]

Then we're all stupid and ridiculous, S. My sweetie loves me with all of her heart. God loves me too. But, I still have bouts of depression. waves of doubt and insecurity too. Yeah I feel silly and weak. I fell like i am so tired of all of this that I just want to give up sometimes too. But, I will persevere in the name of my sweetie, God and those people who are my true friends. I feel a bit down right now, myself. But I won't sit here and mope when I know one of my best friends is in need of my help. I am going to grow wings and fly back to Somewhere. If I have to grow an extra large pair of wings to do it, I will carry you with me! Of course we both know that it will really be God carrying us to our rightful place. But, however we get there, it is obtainable.....See you in Somewhere, S!

[Starrlight in reply to JEG325]

Beautiful, amazing you.

[Hidden in reply to JEG325]

JEG325 you always know exactly what to say and have a beautiful way with words that soothes pain.

[JEG325 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, H. I really care for my good friends like you. Starrlight welcomed me in here at H/U and walked beside me during the early days when I was most vulnerable. I will always owe her much for that and she is a lifelong friend. I only wish I could do more....You know I write 3 to 7 poems a week. I just finished one called, 'The Silhouette'. It's very esoteric in nature. I could send you poems of mine to read if you wanted to pm me an email I could use. You could even create a special email just for the poems. I know you guard your privacy well and rightly so. But, I have written many poems that range from historical to religious to amusing to thought provoking. Of course they all rhyme. I have even writing poems to request as I like the challenge. H, since you are a true friend of mine too, I will always be there for you. Pm me when you need me. I'll answer as soon as I can. Okay? (Every friend I have is a treasure from above / I will stand by their side and give them all my love!)

[Agora1 in reply to JEG325]

I stand up and applaud you JEG.

The journey may not be easy but it is possible.

Wishing you well x

[JEG325 in reply to Agora1]

I applaud you too A1. You're always here consoling my best friends. Since you are one of them I am here for you too! You are an awesome person and I recognized that a long time ago!

[Agora1 in reply to JEG325]

You brought tears to my eyes.

Thanks for the confidence you have in me. x

[JEG325 in reply to Agora1]

But they were tears of happiness, the best kind! On the journey through life we all need a friend & You are one of them on which I know I can depend!

[gerrerd in reply to JEG325]

True she is, and more x

[Hidden]

God bless you Starrlight. Because I know and understand your pain. We are so critical of ourselves when God is not. It took me so long to realize God is not judging me, He knows I am a work in process. So when we try and do not seem to make it all the way to the end, He was aware of how far you would get. He sent me to tell you, do not give up, you brush yourself off and keep on going, failure is only failure when you completely stop trying. This week I began telling myself that God loves me; I remind myself of that very sure fact every day now. God loves you so; He will see you to the finish line. It is ok to keep trying until you make it. Don’t fake it, just say Lord, I did my best but I have not given up, give me the strength to try again. Thank you for loving me.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Maybe there is no finish line. I don’t have the strength to go and be me anymore. It’s too much. I don’t know if there’s a heaven or hell but I do know I will be dust and I have tried every day to make a difference but now I think I cannot go on the same way I have been trying so hard. I either quit or become someone else.

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

May be you become who God always meant you to be. Let go and let God. God loves you Starrlight and so do I. I cry for you as Jesus cries for us even though He knows we will be okay. I am praying and will continue to pray. It will work for your good; I believe that.

[gerrerd in reply to Starrlight]

Become you !

[Starrlight in reply to gerrerd]

What do you mean? Like be me without all the negativity and bad vibes? I am hoping for that it’s just a rough time for right now and I just cannot seem to help it.

[gerrerd in reply to Starrlight]

Your inner being, you are not your mind, go within, learn to quiet the mind. Then you can contact you ! you are the witness behind your mind, the watcher of it all ! xx

[Starrlight in reply to gerrerd]

Ok I like that. Thank you I will be thinking on it. 😊 🙏 it’s really powerful

[Hidden]

Also tell God you do not want to be that way, OMG what a sense of freedom you will get. Lord God, we do not want to be this way, help us Lord, we know there is no failure in you, and you who began a good work in us you WILL complete it. Help us to hold on to your unchanging hand God, we are putting our trust in you. We will not be put to shame. Thank you for loving us.

[Starrlight]

Too much pain that’s all there is.

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

Please God relieve your child’s pain.

[Magicdreamer]

I know exactly how you're feeling. If you can, try take one day at a time. One moment at a time. Our minds are filled with worry which is the opposite of trust. I've changed my attitude the last few days as I received a message from a friend and woke up the next morning with greater awareness....Reallyrstanding that I'm the only one responsible for my happiness and that's very scary. I'm learning to stop worrying about everyone else around me, but this takes practice and reminding myself that I can only handle what's in my moment. When I hear the worry thoughts, I acknowledge them and let them go. I'm constantly in my body trying to identify what I'm feeling and walking toward the fear with curiosity. It's the only way to get back to sanity. I wish you a peaceful rest and a new beginning each day. Love and Light. Xxx

[Starrlight in reply to Magicdreamer]

Yes one moment at s time. 🙏 😊 thank you

[Magicdreamer in reply to Starrlight]

You've got this! Give it a few days.... You'll understand the lesson. Xxx

[Starrlight]

I don’t live for me. I guess I’ll live for the ones I love but I wish I could go now.

[JEG325 in reply to Starrlight]

That's the pain talking, S. Your heart, where your love + the love Gd resides, wants to be with the ones it loves. It is the nature of all to be with the ones they love and the ones who love them....God included. Your heart is one with your family, friends, loved ones & God. Stay for awhile, let God and those who love you shoulder some of the burden when things are at their darkest. When life reaches the darkest part of the night, use the love of your family, friends and God as a powerful light!

[Starrlight in reply to JEG325]

You are a powerful light you know. Thank you. Your words are perfect and make so much sense to me right now. I’m here for you too ok? What’s up?

[JEG325 in reply to Starrlight]

Can I carry this over to my pm, S?

[Florida1959]

You need to start with yourself, you cannot want others to be happy, if you don’t feel worthy of being happy yourself. It doesn’t fit. No one on here is really ok, but you must find your own peace before you can do that for others! You need to take one step at a time for yourself, look at the picture you posted , how does it make you feel, it makes me feel calm, peaceful, be like the bird spread you wings and take flight, you are amazing, beautiful, now fly, love you 💕

[Florida1959]

I am going to fly with you xxx

[Starrlight in reply to Florida1959]

Wow thank you

[Starrlight]

I feel guilt because I am so blessed yet I want no more life. That’s just where I am now. I just want to die.

[Starrlight]

I’m selfish to want to die when I have 3 angels at home who love me. I’m so ridiculous. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

[hypercat54 in reply to Starrlight]

It's because you aren't attending to your own needs my friend. We can never live for others but only ourselves. You are neglecting your own inner needs and sacrificing them for the sake of others. This isn't selfish coz if you are happier inside then so are those who love you. x

[Starrlight in reply to hypercat54]

Hmmm i wish I was really into some enjoyable things for myself. Running ive loved and art but now I get no pleasure from these I just work and rest and I wonder who I am.

[hypercat54 in reply to Starrlight]

Don't forget my friend that with depression you have to do things first to get the motivation. Try and squeeze an hour or 2 free to go running or do your art again. Even better if you can join a group doing the same sorts of things. All work and no play etc.... x

[Starrlight in reply to hypercat54]

❤️

[Starrlight in reply to hypercat54]

There isa meditation group I’m interested in.

[hypercat54 in reply to Starrlight]

Join it even if you don't really enjoy it. I think you will be surprised how much better you will feel doing something just for you. x

[Starrlight in reply to hypercat54]

So true I believe ya...thank you 😊

[Sillysausage234]

youtu.be/eu_oTh04u3c(Not working as expected?)

[Starrlight]

I think I need help.

[Lostmyself65]

I have started meditating and listing to binaural beats. There are binaural beats for depression, anxiety and just about anything you can think of. They sooth me when things get really bad. You can find several options on you tube. I know it sounds silly but I feel just like you and it has given me some relief. Please don't give up on yourself. I have seen several of your post that have brought a smile to my face and I am so sorry you are in such a bad place. Sending you prayers of comfort and peace.

[newbie56]

Sorry you're hurting, Starr. Just want you to know.

[snow_queen]

Starrlight, I'm also living for the people I love, not for myself. right now it feels more like existing than actually living, but I have a goal to someday live for myself and enjoy life to its fullest. I know that will take a long time, and honestly? right now it's a big job for me to just be proud of myself for making that goal.

I also know what you mean about the guilt of having a comparatively good life and still wanting to die. please know that it is NOT your fault and you are NOT alone <3 <3

[Agora1 in reply to snow_queen]

snow_queen, I'm glad you have a goal for yourself. It's important to have some

direction in life. However, that "someday" can get away from us if we're not careful.

There was an old saying I use to hear "Make Hay while the Sun Shines"... Never really

understood it and don't know if I really do now but I get the gist of it.

None of us know what the future holds for us health wise. Why not sneak in some

"me time" now. Those short little reprieves may help you not feel as if you are just

existing. I wish you well xx

[snow_queen in reply to Agora1]

Thank you for that reminder! I think you’re absolutely right, and that’s something that i need to do more and definitely forget about sometimes

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

I was curious so I looked up make hay while the sun shines. Hay being a crop needs sun to grow and that hay that you make is later used as sustenance. I so agree that life has a way of getting away from you; you look up one day and all you can think about is I meant to do this, I meant to do that. Take time out for yourselves so when you look back on life it will make you smile and motivate you to move onto something else in your later years. Such wisdom Agora, we should all benefit from such sound advice.

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Needhelp in allowing me to finally know what

that means. Wishing you well. xx

[JEG325 in reply to Agora1]

It simply means to make the best use of your time. In the day you can see better to get things done. The farmers back then didn't have all the electronic doo-dads we have to light up the night. They had to use their daytime light to the best of their ability. We should all make hay while the sun still shines!

[Agora1 in reply to JEG325]

Thanks JEG, it's nice to know what the meaning is behind sayings

we've heard all our lives.

I hope you and Sue have a wonderful weekend.

Say "hi" to her from me. x

[JEG325 in reply to Agora1]

My sweetie sends you greetings and wanted to thank you for all the times you were there for me when she couldn't be. I also am adding my heartfelt thanks to that. You truly are A1!

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

You are always around the corner. Love to you ❤️

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

💕💕

[Starrlight in reply to snow_queen]

((((((((((((((Hug and love))))))))))

[snow_queen in reply to Starrlight]

Hugs and love to you too! ❤️❤️

[Starrlight in reply to snow_queen]

You are so beautiful and I appreciate your words.

[snow_queen in reply to Starrlight]

So are you! I’ve only been on this forum a few months but I’ve seen you be helpful to so many people. I know they appreciate it ❤️

[Sunnidayz1]

Hi my friend💜

I completely understand what you are saying and what you are going through. Even though those feelings and thoughts are so very intense I beg of you, Do Not listen to them. We all have thoughts that go through our minds that try to hold us back. Just bc it's there doesnt mean it's true. I dont know the circumstances you are in but if u r beating yourself up Stop it. When u r in those moments try self compassion. Nuture yourself. We are so quick to nuture others and fail at nuturimg ourselves. You can teach yourself.

If you need me ever, even it's just to say hi, please im me.

Have a good day my friend💕

[Starrlight]

Thanks for your understanding I so appreciate you.

[Starrlight]

Love ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ to all of you.

[JEG325 in reply to Starrlight]

All of us love you too, S!

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

How are you feeling today hun 🌻

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for asking I’m not doing so good. Feels like too much. How r u?

[brokenlight]

✨💛✨

[Starrlight in reply to brokenlight]

🌟

[JEG325 in reply to Starrlight]

I wanted to thank you too, Starrlight for being the brightest light in my night time sky! Sue adds her thanks for all the months you helped me when I was feeling down. We both send you all the love and hugs you need!

[Hidden]

I’m sorry Star 😔 you’re not alone in this pain you have all of us helping you through it x if you want to talk you could always PM me x

Stay strong and rest if you need to x

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Hope. I’m a mess I don’t even know what to do anymore except not to keep falling further in and I know I have to go forward but I’m stuck right now and I just want to give up in a way.