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Anxiety and Depression Support
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Thank you

****Trigger Warning****

Depression is like any other illness. It has it's causes, symptoms, diagnosis and treatments. But like a lot of other illnesses, not everyone survives. Yes there are a lot of people that do survive with strength, will power, support and sheer determination to survive and live the life that they want. But I'm not like that. I have nothing to fight for, I ran out of determination, I'm not strong enough. I'm tired of helplessly struggling to avoid the inevitable. Now I just want to close my eyes and just let go, enjoying my last moments of peace as I fall into the abyss. I've posted here several times before and many tried to support me and did their best to help. For that I thank all of you. You're all great people who deserve a happy life, unlike me. I'll no longer waste anyone's time, effort or money. Thank you, everyone. I hope all of you find the true happiness you're fighting for.

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I am sorry you feel that way. I feel that way too. Everytime I feel like quitting, dropping everything and having that sense of lack of determination... I always have that piece of me that thinks of my determination to get to the point that I am in now. I have pushed through a lot and I cannot give up on myself of all people. I somehow find resilience when I think of how far I have come and how far I can get. Try and find that will power within you. Try and support the you that believes in you. Do not allow the you that wants to give up to win. Stay strong and do not let yourself down. That is what I always tell myself when I feel worthless.

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I can’t think like that. To me it feels like it was all just useless attempts to hold on to anything I could but it all breaks in the end.

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Hi I agree with Cule. I too have come a long way and have invested a lot of time and energy in me - far too much to give in now. I bet you have too so please don't let it go to waste.

Whether or not you believe it you are worth fighting for and often the only person you have on your side is you. And you matter. When you wake up in the morning tell yourself this isn't going to be the day you do it. This leaves you free then to look outward and with a more hopeful and optimistic mindset life becomes more bearable. Trust me, it works. I have successfully put off topping myself for many years now, and the futher I have come the less inclined I am to give up.

We are all here for you and are willing to invest our time and energy into helping and supporting you so talk to us please. If we won't give up on you then you can't either. xx

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It feels like it was all already a waste. Even if I do keep going, what am I going to do with life? I’m an absolute failure, I don’t deserve life. I’m nothing but a useless burden to everyone around me. They deserve better.

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What you are going to do with your life is be the best you that you can be. That is your purpose. At this you will be a world beater coz no one is better at being you than you are. Your life is for you to enjoy and do what you want. We were all given life and that is because we are worthy, every last one of us.

As for others you can't make decisions that you are a burden to them or that they deserve better as that is not in your hands. If they choose to stay around you it's because that is their decision and they want to. x

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That’s the thing, I can’t get the life I want. I could write a whole essay about it but I’ll summarize it. Basically, there is not a single option that would lead to the life I actually want. It’s not that I can’t think straight or my thoughts being negative. These are facts and these are the only options. Either I live a life I don’t want or just not live at all. Why should I live a life I don’t want? It’s just easier to leave it all.

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So it's all or nothing? What do you want to do with your life? Why can't you do it?

I was in my mid 20's and in despair coz I didn't like myself and hated my life. I faced a stark choice - either end it or do everything I could to change it to a life that was at least not bad. It wasn't any big changes but small ones and therapy helped me a lot.

I was doing a dead end admin job and living on my own in London with what I felt was my youth passing and the sense that time was running out. I had no friends, no self esteem, and no confidence and life long depression. I felt hopeless and helpless. When my mindset changed a bit I started changing my life a little bit here and a little bit there. Nothing dramatic as I still had to work and pay my own way in life, and I had no talents or vocation.

The first thing I did was like I said got some counselling. Through this I realised I was ok and was accepted. I learned new ways of responding to people and started ditching the old unhealthy ones which I had learned in my dysfunctional childhood. And there were and are lots of them!

The thing I wanted most was friends, so I watched and listened to others for ages and gradually I began to make friends. Through them I discovered a lifelong passion which I still love. Then I bought my own flat (big mortgage), got 2 kittens, then I went abroad with my sister for the first time.

Next with my increasing confidence I learnt to drive, and passed which made me feel good about myself. To crown all this I had the confidence to apply to study as a mature student as I had left school at 15 and always thought I was thick. I was accepted and even got a grant. I achieved my degree.

So here I was after Uni with a new job (which I quite liked), friends, a driving licience, a degree, and my new passion. My life had changed out of all recognition through small changes. Once you make small changes it starts to snowball like a domino effect and before you know it life is much better.

Ok life isn't wonderful and I haven't achieved things which women are expected to ie a partner and children, but I can see the benefits as well as the disadvantages of that so I am not consumed with regret. I still live with depression but have learnt over the years how to manage it.

Start making some small change in your life, then another and watch them snowball. If you can't make one you want now then plan it for the future when you can. x

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I did try these small changes. Meditations, counseling and even ECT. They all changed nothing. The small changes you mentioned, I tried a lot. Fixing my sleeping, overeating and anxiety issues. Tried to make myself more organized, healthier and energetic. In the end, I always got back to square one. Even worse sometimes. Instead of snowballing forward I go backwards and it just gets worse and worse.

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It's a slow process and it doesn't happen overnight. Do you have friends? x

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Not really. Just people I pass the time with if I’m bored. I know it’s not overnight, it’s just that it always feels pointless after a while. The longer I try the harder it gets until I just can’t do it anymore. I feel completely drained and without a real goal in life, I don’t have the motivation.

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Who has a real goal in life? A few lucky people have a vocation or a talent but most of us just stumble round not knowing what we are doing, and that's fine and normal.

You are thinking much too far ahead so live for today as the future will take care of itself. Have you looked at mindfulness? There is lots of info online. x

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I do but I can’t get any because of my trust issues. I never focused on trying to solve that because I’m already struggling to just keep living which I’m barely doing.

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I would look into doing some work on your trust issues then, it was my major hurdle in life...and honestly.....every suggestion everyone has given you...you have come back with a negative....and yes it's hard to see past that when your in a mindset of utter defeat....I've been there, many here have too. You are the only one who can make changes in your life, you are the only one who really knows what you need to change about your life, we have no control over people places or things, only our attitude towards them. We all face difficulties, many of us more than others could imagine....your not alone....only you can find the answers your looking for....best wishes and hope you keep trying and sharing.

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There is lots of info online so surely you could have a read of it? I think it could help you. x

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Congratulations. Your comments are inspirational.

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I'm sorry your at this place, and like you I have been there many times, as probably everyone who has depression has been as well. It is part of the disease, and your right, it seems like the only solution at times when all else seems to fail. I tried for a year and a half to leave the worst time of my adult life, and felt the same as you....completely, every day. But for some reason, I just kept waking up, and kept going. I can't say my life is a bed of roses, but who do you know that has the perfect life everyday, I don't....if they do....more power to them, most people struggle every single day. I lived to make a difference to some people in their lives in a positive way, who knew...but I did. I had a purpose and didn't know it. I don't judge you, or will tell you everything is going to be alright.....but I would suggest one thing....if you have family, friends, kids....even a pet....think of the ripple effect....

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I did think of the ripple effect but it feels like my death would help more that it’ll harm. I’ll no longer be a burden to everyone. Everyone can finally live their own lives without having to worry about me. The money my parents saved for me, I said it should all go to charity. Think of how many people would live a better life instead of me just wasting it all. It’ll be a lot better without me.

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Believe me.....it's not at all what you would think....I've lived it with a couple that were good friends and had watched the aftermath unfold....the ones who leave us are at peace, but the grief, sense of loss, anger, sadness, confusion, questions, 'what if's', only if's, and so on that just never ends is unfathomable. You do count, you are important, in ways you would not believe. Please get some help...and I say this from great understanding personally.....

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But I tried everything. Again and again and again but nothing changes, what more can I do?

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So you think your parents would just 'get over' your death? I have news for you my friend - they never will. Ever. They will be in pain and grief for the rest of their lives and so will all those who love you. How will they live a better life without you? Maybe they like worrying about you? That's their choice.

Who are you to decide you are a 'burden' for others? Surely it's up to them to decide that isn't it? If someone was a burden to you would you stay around them? Would you save money for their future? That would be your choice. x

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They’re the only people that love me, I know no one else does. They’re the only thing keeping me alive at this point but until when? They won’t be there forever, if I love for someone else then is it really a meaningful life?

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Well live for today then while your parents are still alive. Start making those small changes and hopefully by the time they have gone you won't want to top yourself. Don't forget if you are happier then those around you will be too.

Oh and I just checked and noticed you are only 19. You can't possibly have tried every med and every type of counselling at your age. Don't forget it took you a long time to feel this way so it will take time to help. You can't expect very quick results so be patient and carry on accessing all the help you can. x

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I don't have the time. I'm already failing miserably in college and I'm pretty sure I'll be kicked out soon. I already failed all my exams this year so that's an entire year wasted already. My only chance is the summer course and with the state I'm in right now, I'm sure I'll fail that too. After that I'll be kicked out and then it's done. No job, career or anything. Just a miserable failure and so much money, time and effort down the drain.

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Well you can always go back to college in the future as you are still very young. You have depression which is a horrible illness. Would you be so hard on yourself if you had a physical illness?

I have failed lots of things but I am not a failure and nor are you. Your worth isn't judged by what you achieve but on keep trying your best - and you are. You can't do any more than your best and even if that's rubbish it's still your best, and no one least of all yourself can expect more from you than that. You are just poorly at the moment but you won't always be if you let yourself accept small changes.

Start by being more positive, you got into college in the first place which isn't easy. You have family who love you. You are trying your best. These are all things to praise yourself for surely? There are always positives among the negatives and all you have to do is look for them.

Maybe you will still land a job you like? I can't believe that all jobs must have a college education? x

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Trust me the economy is pretty bad where I live. There's already a huge unemployment problem so without even a degree, the best job I can get would probably be being a janitor for a local store. I can't get in again after I get kicked out. Again because of the economy, they don't have the time to waste on a failure like me. Yeah I got into college but it doesn't look like I'm staying for long. Even that was just completely by luck. I have no idea how the hell I got accepted because I know I never put in the effort. The thing is, I know myself and I know I can do better than this. I know my potential and that's what makes me feel so bad. If I could I'd give this potential to anyone else in a heartbeat. Anyone else deserves it a lot more than me. I'm sure they'd do a lot more with it unlike me just being a useless burden.

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Well if you are determined to think of yourself a useless burden there isn't really anything more I can say! x

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Thank you for trying to help, I really appreciate it. I hope you help someone else instead of wasting your effort on me. Thanks again.

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It's my effort to waste so I will use it where I want! I am replying coz I think you are worth the effort so have a think about that. x

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To ask the obvious: have you tried all the anti depressant meds available under the supervision of a good doctor or psychiatrist?

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I tried every possible treatment multiple times. For every step I take forward, I take 2 steps back. That’s how it’s always been, how am I supposed to believe that it can ever change?

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Hypercat is right, 19 is too early to give up the quest for your quiet mind. There is no problem in the world that cannot be overcome by the application of human thought. Easy for me to say, I know, but none the less true.

May I ask, is your depression a reaction to problems past or present or is it a mindset that you have regardless of circumstances?

Somewhere there is a therapist or medication that can change your view of the world. I do not know who that therapist is or what the medication is but I urge you to continue that search. With respect, at 19 you cannot have explored all the possibilities.

Like all human beings, you are tougher and more resourceful than you realise despite your feeling of depletion. Once again easy for others to say, but I believe you will win this battle. Remember you have many allies here always ready to listen and respond.

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I don't even know anymore. I think it was just a build up from multiple events I had in life. I never had a real goal as a kid, I just did everything without caring. It was easy at the start but now since I actually need to put in the effort, I don't know why I should even bother.

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I feel like you everyday, nothing seems to work for me - have tried everything. I will not give up though because we do not know what tomorrow will bring, it could be the day everything changes and where there is life there is hope. I will keep you in my prayers!

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You say your parents love you. Believe me . That is a good enough reason to carry on.

They may indeed be trying to push you into a profession and a lifestyle you don't want; but that does not mean that they want you to die.

In fact they would be horrified and devastated if you did and the pain would be never ending; so please don't do that to them.

Maybe it isn't you that is in the wrong but the subject which is just too hard for you? There are many things I could not study but that would not put me in the wrong. Even if it was a subject I was good at ( for example I'm good at languages) I could never be an interpreter as that would be too difficult for me. That doesn't make me a failure.

I accept that social and cultural pressure nowadays can be very hard but it's not usually completely impossible in this day and age to escape ; as people can change countries and areas and so on .

Have you tried a dialogue with your parents about this? Maybe they would be more open than you think ? Surely it's worth a try or is there another relative you could confide in?

Also it is well documented that exams are a time of intense psychological stress. It would be literal madness to "end it all" when at this high stress level; as that level will reduce once it is all over. ( though i accept that that may be followed in your case by thoughts of fear and anxiety over your future.)

So you need to work on a way to change your future without ending it all. It is possible, honestly.

The depression, feeling that you are a burden, feeling that people would be better off without you , that is all your mind reaching a position where it can't deal with the intense stress it is under.

It isn't true that you are a burden.

It isn't true that anyone would be better off without you ( especially you)

It is just your mind trying to find an escape route.

I know you are exhausted now. Just rest. Exams are tough. Give yourself a break and praise yourself for how WELL you are doing.

Keep safe. Please keep safe. We care and I am rooting for you with all my heart for you to keep going and find a way through this

💜 x

Let us know your safe ? xx

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I'm trying as hard as I can but it all just looks like a dead end. Let's say I don't suicide now, then what? I'm failing everything already and I'll probably be kicked out of college. I'll just be a failure without a degree so there's no way I can get a decent job. I'll be living at home with my parents without anything, just money, time and effort constantly going down the drain.

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I get it that you don't want a dead end job; but having a dead end job and killing yourself versus having a degree and not killing yourself are not the only two alternatives.

Don't forget you are studying one of the hardest and most demanding subjects. Maybe you could get a degree in the future but in a different subject?

I know I am in a different country (UK) but I know of literally thousands of people who don't have a college degree and who have made a successful living.

You don't need a college degree to set up your own business for example.

I know people who have trained in horticulture, massage therapy, work as a self employed locksmith, self employed furniture remover, yoga teacher, artist, art therapist, support worker, charity worker.

You think "Society" and yourself will see you as a failure.

Maybe some people will but really there is no failure involved except a failure to match you with a profession or job you feel comfortable in.

I am not able to work myself due to my mental health problems but I do a part time voluntary job. It gives meaning and routine to my life. I am proud of myself for my work :)

We have people here who work as voluntary Samaritans on phone lines. They are not paid but their work is extremely worthwhile .

Maybe you will meet someone and their family will have money and you could move in with that person?

So many other possibilities.... It's just you can't see them right now.

x

Also just to say I have a friend whose daughter committed suicide at the age of 19. She was studying to do beauty therapy, felt that that wasn't "good enough" and so started to train to be a nurse. She found the course too demanding and was eventually told to leave. My friend believes that the felt "shame" of "failing" and the felt "shame" of having to pay the money back for her tuition fees is what prompted her sudden and violent suicide.

Needless to say my friend and her husband will never recover. They would have said a million times to their daughter if she had listened that they would rather have her alive and committing some minor socially shameful act than have her not here. They would have never conceived their daughter could do something like this. It is such a waste. She was a lovely beautiful girl too; they would have been more than happy for her to do her beauty therapy and doing a good job than trying to be a nurse and killing herself.

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You have no idea how bad the unemployment issue is here. Even people with degrees in smaller colleges can barely find a job. I've seen people with an engineering degree unable to find a job. Some of them had no choice and had to work as KFC cashiers out of desperation. That's for people who got a degree, imagine how it is for people without one.

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You are very fortunate for all the encouraging comments. People took time to help you, a stranger:) I do believe your parents would help you but you have to ask for what you need. You just can't assume they know the depth of your pain.

Way back in the beginning of the story you mention having your $ donated to charity. That comes from a kind heart. I do think you need to get out and do some volunteer work. Help the homeless, help the disabled. There you will see people who struggle with nothing. Some have no loved ones left. You have your parents. Some have no money, your parents help you with school. Disabled people have missing limbs or illness. You have your youth and your health. Many of these groups are depressed. They have no insurance to get help, you have that. These people struggle everyday.

You are struggling with some major depression. Take on the challenge and push yourself as hard as you can. We are all struggling and get tired but we are all pushing and supporting each other.

I mean no disrespect. I just have a sense that you can overcome this. This may be your lowest point. Push as hard as you can to get back up that hill. We all have faith you can do it.

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Gosh you are in a bad space and I am sure it is all black. I can’t say anything that others have not said to try and encourage you. Perhaps you should read back what you have written. What do you want and why is this the only thing in the world you do want. Why can’t you break this want down into tiny steps and try to achieve these and not focus on whatever the end goal is. The people who have engineering degrees have got a job. Not the job they wanted but by taking other jobs they are maybe getting the work ethic and keeping their self esteem. This may help them to get into their chosen field later. I am not a qualified anything and life is not what it was when I was your age when I was young. I was in what was referred to then as a mental hospital at 14 with an alcoholic and a prostitute. Some things are harder now than they were then and others easier. Please keep trying and remember no one is a failure until they completely give up. Kind regards.

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If I stood in the same room as you, could you see me? If I spoke to you, could you hear me? If I asked you to cross the room, could you do so? Then you have everything you need to make a success of your life, believe me.

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I am in quite a similar situation at the minute, I feel like completely giving up. Please pop me a reply and let me know you're okay

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I'm trying my hardest to keep going but it just keeps getting harder and harder. The only chance I found to hold on to is tomorrow. I'm going to ask the student affairs office in my college to see if there's anyway I can take a break for at least a year. I know I shouldn't put that much hope into it to avoid disappointment but it's my only chance. I need the time. If it doesn't work, I honestly have no idea if I'll be able to keep going after that. Without the time, I'll be stuck in a loop of failure until I get completely kicked out with nowhere to go.

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Perfect idea Square2512 :)

Make sure you tell them just HOW bad you feel. Tell them you have suicidal thoughts and if you can't tell them write it down or copy something out. Ask them for their help. Tell them just how serious it is for you.

Let us know how you get on. x

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Volunteer at an animal refuge, homeless unit or something similar...don’t think of reasons why you can’t or why they won’t want you there, because those reasons would be false....the truth is, we all need to help each other more in this world. If we all practiced just one random act of kindness a day, we would live in a nicer environment where everyone is enough. You are a different you to everyone you meet, whether you like it or not. Your perception of yourself is not necessarily the same as that of others, and it is impossible for you to truely know what is in the heart or mind of those you encounter. Just as all the suggestions and support you have been given here has not altered your view, neither can you expect to be able to alter that of others, therefore it’s not for you to say if people would be better off or not etc. Your parents invest in you because it’s what they want to do...put simply, if they didn’t want to then why would they? The love of a parent is unconditional and so completely out of your jurisdiction. I believe that you would benefit from student services interaction whilst in college; to get the help and rest you require as opposed to taking a year off...this will only isolate you further and lead to more issues. I also feel that cbt/dbt/act are theraphies that would be worth your while...you need to be committed to be present though and engage in such activities such as challenging negative thoughts etc. You clearly do want to feel better, you joined this site and reached out for a reason. Try the volunteering, I promise you that the feeling you get from investing just a small amount of your time to help someone in need will be the best feeling you have felt in a long time

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Congratulations on taking this step. A little ditty. Yesterday is history, tomorrow still a mystery, today is a gift, which is why we call it the present. Good luck.

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