So Much I Don't Understand

[An0nym0u5]

I don't know where to start, so I suppose I will begin with the basics.

I am new here, and I have never tried anything like this. I do see a therapist (though I am moving out of state, so I am looking for a new one) and I am on WellButrin currently.

In short, when I wake up and look in the mirror in the morning, I absolutely despise what I see. I am not suicidal; I would never put that on someone else. It's more that I feel that the people around me and the world in general would be indifferent, and possibly better off, had I never been a part of it.

To me that is a clear distinction. I am here, and I don't intend on doing anything to change that. It's just that I feel my existence as at best trivial and at worst damaging and destructive. I tried to do some research to see if there was name or explanation for that complex feeling, but nothing became immediately apparent.

I am a volcano of emotions nearly all the time. My swings from happiness to sadness to rage are almost instantaneous, and there is rarely little middle ground. If I am happy the world knows it, and if I am angry, it's impossible to miss.

You wouldn't know it if you met me, because I am adept at disguising it, but I have never really felt like I "fit" with everyone else. I had a wonderful, abuse-free childhood, and I have done all the "normal" things, like high school, college, a steady career, etc., and I've always been surrounded by fantastic people, but I've still always felt like an outsider. I am not sure why.

Everything about all of this is always directed inward. I don't blame the world for my problems; I blame myself and only myself wholeheartedly.

It took me a long time to get help, but I think I've had these feelings for upwards of twenty years. I'm not even sure what the intent of this post is, but articulating my feelings in writing seems to be helpful.

I'd be curious to know if my feelings are unique or if this is something that others have felt/are feeling.

[hypercat54]

Hi I used to feel like this a lot when I was young. I learnt that it was because I had never learned to regulate or control my emotions as I wasn't taught this in childhood. I had to mask negative emotions and was never validated. When I grew up my emotions were extreme due to carrying this over from childhood into the adult world. I would feel high as a kite at times then the next minute sink to the depths.

It wasn't until my 20's that I realised I was suffering from depression, and once I did counselling I learnt a lot about myself and the symptoms eased off a lot. Are you seeking any help? x

[An0nym0u5 in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks for your response!

I have been seeing a counselor since last fall, but we really only scratched the surface, and I ended up moving, so I am working on finding someone in my new city.

I haven't learned a lot about myself yet, other than that I have a fairly heightened awareness of what is bothering me, what my triggers are, etc.

My biggest issue at the moment is I don't know A) why I feel this way and B) what I can do about it.

The thought is very hard to articulate to most people. A common exchange (with someone other than my therapist) might be:

WELL-MEANING PERSON: "Why are you so down?"

ME: "I don't know, I just really don't like myself. I look in the mirror and think, 'you're a piece of sh*t.'"

WELL-MEANING PERSON: "You shouldn't feel like that! Here are X, Y, Z reasons why shouldn't feel that way."

ME: "Thank you. I appreciate it, but I can't help feeling like that."

I don't know if that helps clarify anything. It's a very strange place to be.

Thanks again for your response.

[hypercat54 in reply to An0nym0u5]

Well if you say that sort of thing to WMP that's the sort of response you will get! People tend to take you at face value and putting yourself down is interpreted as either looking for attention (not saying you are), or looking for advice or sympathy. Unless they are a trusted friend or family member it's best to avoid slagging yourself off to others.

I turn my faults into virtues. If I am playing cards for example and someone asks me why I played a certain card I will say 'Coz I'm stupid'. That shuts them up ha ha. x

[An0nym0u5 in reply to hypercat54]

No, you're right. I should've clarified further. WMP isn't just anyone. It'd have to be family or a close friend.

I do the same thing as you with acquaintances. I'll shrug it off or make something up.

I have a call into a new therapist, so we'll see when I can get in there.

[pam4him]

It is not an uncommon thing to feel out of place. I'm glad to see you are in therapy as that can help sort out those emotions, help you find tools that work for you. Hopefully your current therapist can help with locating a new one after the move. The move may be somewhat stressful and exaggerating some of the mood swings. Take care and good luck with the move.

[An0nym0u5 in reply to pam4him]

Thank you. I appreciate the support. Good point on the moving thing. It's definitely stressful.