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Anxiety and Depression Support
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How do you?

I want to say I am going through a divorce right now, but neither of us have filed yet. My wife left me shortly after Christmas and it was unexpected to an extent. A couple weeks after Christmas she fully moved, basically out of state and got a new apartment and took a majority of everything we owned. I’m somewhat okay with her leaving and everything, mainly due to the fact that it is what it is. To my knowledge we were both faithful, I know I can say that from my side at least. With all that being said, I’m trying to be as nice and civil as humanly possible to the point a lot of people say I am being too nice. I suffer from GAD and Depression, she also has anxiety attacks, panic attacks, and depression, plus presumably other issues as well. She has managed to overdraft our joint checking account multiple times to which I have had to remedy. We filed together as this years taxes screwed us both up(even though we filed correctly). Now she has taken our tax money and is using it to pay off breaking our lease(which she did because she moved). Basically any money I have had up until I got a separate account due to all the issues, she has taken from my account. I don’t/didn’t want to be a jerk because I do care for her, plus she has been off a majority of her medications due to being unable to afford them due to her move, but I know I will have to draw a line in the sand and eventually may have to wind up being a jerk to her and support myself instead of her anymore. She acts like it is my fault she is broke and that I should feel sorry for her, but it was her own doing and I treated her amazing.

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I read through your story very thoroughly and I must say you seem like one hell of a guy. The description and the sound of your emotions would make any woman date you because they know that you're truly hurting right now. It is good to be a nice guy but you also don't want to end up finishing last in line. In fact your life does not get better by chance it gets better by change so if she wants to do this to you then you have to take care of yourself as well it's only right.

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My main concern is due to her depression and being off her meds is that I know in the past she has been suicidal. I don’t want to be the catalyst for any negativity that brings that on. Basically she suffers from Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, and she has desperately wanted kids. She made it a point to say she didn’t feel like she should have to take medication to become pregnant. Long story short is she would occasionally go out with friends and come home drunk(like a few times a year, not regularly), but she would become suicidal and say she should just end it all because she can’t get pregnant. Other situations would occasionally spark the talks of suicide, essentially just basic depression because “my life sucks,” type of thing.

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Well I can tell you this much I like your personality already I especially like the way that you describe what you're going through you can feel the genuineness and the sincerity which says a lot about someone's character I realized from experience in my own divorce that if you want to survive the pitfalls of divorce you have to create a rock meaning a safe foundation for you to continue on in your life. It is essential as you need food and drink in a warm place to lay your head you cannot be a master of two homes you can try but ultimately this mindset will fail. You're such a nice guy that you're hurting right now emotionally and all you can think about is her feelings and this says a lot to me about how much you've given in this relationship. I don't want to see you get hurt trying to hold someone that doesn't want to be kept she will meet someone else and it will be his responsibility to take care of his girl she showed you by her moving that she does not want you to be responsible for her anymore

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Thank you, I appreciate your comments. I try not to have an ego unless in a self deprecating manner. Since we have parted ways, in a landslide victory, everyone has told me that she won’t find anyone else to treat her anywhere near as good as I have. It does feel nice to hear that I treated someone that well, but I pride myself on learning from two amazing parents. Even when she took the last of our furniture I helped her load it on to the vehicle and she decided not to listen to me when tying it down. She got a couple miles on the highway and it all flew off the bed of the truck, mind you it was snowing/raining. The first person she called was me. Even though she failed to pay our car insurance from when we were together(I had no insurance and she did), I went to help her risking being possibly arrested and having my vehicle impounded. Now a majority of my friends call me an idiot for having done that due to it “not being my problem,” but I asked myself what my parents would have done and chose to still help her. I still was hit with negativity by her while helping, but I still know it was the right thing to do.

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If you spend too much time catering to someone who doesn't reciprocate you will find out a good portion of your life has been wasted and you will not get it back no matter how you cry no matter how you scream no matter how you shout. She already had her chance with you and she blew it and if she didn't feel the need to fight for the relationship then you shouldn't feel the need to fight for it now. It's time to start focusing on you.

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I hope you know that if you continue this helping Behavior you can go down in life she can sink you financially and ruin you emotionally

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I just caught a flashback of my own hell that I had to go through

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I’m not fighting for the relationship, I told her I had no plans to due to how she ended it. I’m just not sure how to approach the financial situation because my family wants me to go for the jugular courtwise. Mainly because of how she keeps taking money and treating me poorly.

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Just make sure that you will be able to walk away and survive in the ending this is very important

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I know I will, basically just concerned with making sure she doesn’t do something stupid in the process

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After reading everything it seems like you're a good, level headed guy that has been very patient and understanding with her. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but maybe you could look at it as a blessing in disguise. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be.

I've always believed in joint accounts as opposed to separate. However, it doesn't work if one person is irresponsible and/or inconsiderate of the other and it seems she was/is both. Now heres what bothers me the most... I'm in a relationship that I want to leave. We're not married but have been together for 13 yrs and have 2 boys together. I only work part time and am pretty much dependent on him. There is NO WAY I'd expect him to support me when I finally leave. I'm trying to save what little money I can, as well as find another job. I don't get how she can walk away, yet depend on you and your help at the same time. I won't leave until I'm able to support myself and my boys. I know he'd support them, because he is a good guy and dad, it just isn't a healthy relationship for me, but I don't want to put myself in a position to depend on anyone anymore. If she wants a new separate life then she's gotta have new separate life money. Keep in mind that you can't expect her to support herself if you're always there to do it for her.

I know you can't just press a "I don't give a $h!t" button and be done with her, but maybe give a timeline or something. In the long run it would be healthier for the both of you, in my opinion.

~S~

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The crazy thing is she cited wanting independence as her reason for leaving me. She actually got her degree in accounting. She just is not good at managing money.

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In my opinion, she manages just fine for herself, it's you she seems to leave high and dry. If I'm wrong I apologize, I'm just going by what I've read so far.

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She listens to certain questionably moraled family members. Plus she left for a job with a temp agency. She has been disqualified from all positions so far and had from what I was told, a job offer that paid decent that she told the employer that she didn’t want if it wasn’t for an accounting position she didn’t want it, thus screwing a friend over.

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Well like I said, blessing in disguise. Her actions come off as selfish. You seem like a good guy, and I get the feeling she knows that and takes advantage of it.

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Wow you seem like a really good person, I think it’s time to look after you, you have been very considerate and all credit to you, take step back, reassess, and take precautions, stand up fir you, good luck x

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Thank you

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Gleamx,

I totally get you want any divorce to be amicable. You sound like you would be a reasonable guy. But since working in family law for many years, I strongly suggest you consult with an attorney to see what is best for you from this point. Just see what your options are. Many firms offer free consultations. It is especially important because once she establishes residency in another state, she can file from that state and not only will your divorce be under the jurisdiction of that state, but you will also have court calls in that state. You would have to find an attorney who can practice in that state and most importantly, family laws vary from state to state. It may be best for you to file first to protect your rights. An attorney could advise you on that. I wish you the best of luck.

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Thank you for the advice, I’ve had a few friends advise me to seek spousal support considering the circumstances. She had been going to school since before we got married(2013) and just finished towards the end of last year. Plus she took all of our furniture, our recent tax return, and has repeatedly over-drafted our joint account although she setup a separate account where she currently resides.

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You may not be able to close the joint account without her but you can take your name off the joint account. Talk to the bank asap to see what you can do so you aren’t stuck with anymore overdraft charges. You are entitled to half the tax return. Do you work at all?

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I’ve fixed the joint account so far, as far as the tax return goes, allow me to elaborate. She told me she was going to give me all of the refund to help cover the constant overdraft charges. Yesterday she tells me she is taking all of that money and applying it to early termination fees for her breaking the lease on our apartment. Normally I would be okay with this, but it wasn’t my choice to have her leave me and I couldn’t afford the apartment on a single income. I told her that the refund should have gone to me, but she said she would pay me back for that once bills are paid down. A friend of hers actually told me a bunch of information because she has been making a bunch of bad choices lately.

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To keep things simple, the refund should have just been split evenly between the 2 of you. Right now she is dissipating from “marital” money. I know you’re trying to be nice but she is taking advantage of your kindness. You can still be nice but something tells me once she can’t just do whatever she wants to do with the money anymore, she’s gonna turn into an angry hornet. That is why I’m saying you should speak to an attorney asap before things get totally messed up financially. Divorces are not just messy when it comes to dividing property and money, that’s actually the easy part. It’s messy because it’s emotionally charged with pain, sadness, anger, fear of the unknown, frustration, and yes, depression and anxiety.

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Well said AuntBee thirty years in the British matrimonial system with you all the way :)

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Agree lovely xxx

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You sound like a good and understanding person, look after yourself. I wish you all the best.

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My recent divorce was just the opposite. Seventeen years with this man. Greed got the best of him. I would have loved to have a kind husband like you during the divorce. My man left me to live in a car for 6 weeks. He was all about his precious money. I had worked as a slave on our 250 head of cattle farm. This included haying, crops, etc. He told me it was all his 401-k. He works for the USPS of many years. I did most all the farming. He has a great job. I worked for free I guess. He could not have made that good money if I had not done the farming. I have no regrets of leaving. He is evil. Heartless and left me to die during my Anorexia days. He cares for no one but him. He made that statement. Oh! sad. OH! WELL. I am living happy and recently recovered from 40 years of Anorexia. He can play with his money. He sure will not be taking it with him when he leaves this world. You think of yourself. Be kind to you.

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Similar situation here....now I am so destroyed, I don’t know which way is up. I am on autopilot. I cannot afford health benefits. I’m barely living on a full-time job.

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I'm so sorry you are going through this. No matter how hard you both will try divorce is messy and painful. My only advice is to take it one day at a time and make sure you are tsking care of yourself.

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Thank you for the kind words, she originally talked of being nice and doing things as we agreed, but seems like she has lied every step of the way.

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Very sorry and hope you can remain on your own meds. Hopefully you can know that I, among others, think you have great worth. All the best during this loss and transition.

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Thank you, I stopped medicating as the medicines didn’t seem to work for me plus was paying too much for her meds & counseling sessions.

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Nothing wrong with being nice and civil.

However you have to cover your butt.

Save all texts, email, etc.

It's great that you wanted to help, but don't drive uninsured... could ruin your life.

Good luck..

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I got insured once I got some money coming in. I just was going out of my way to help her as thats what my parents would have done and they were good people.

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I understand , like I said , nothing wrong with being nice , I'm a nice guy too.

Was only pointing out that if you , God forbid, say ended up in jail for driving with no insurance, who's going to bail you out? Not your ex, i'd wager. And you couldn't, cause she snaged all your money ..

I'm glad you got insured though.

I'm sure you'll be good, find someone who appreciates a good guy.

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Thank you, I see where you are coming from, I was thinking the same thing while I was helping. She just wound up being rude about it and all I kept thinking to myself as a human being is making sure she was safe.

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I respect your values.

And please believe I'm not judging...

I'm speaking from experience...

Many years...

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You have to think, meds and counselling, we have all been there, not judging, just saying.....

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