Don’t know what to do

[Righteoustakeme]

I have nothing on my agenda today or for any days in the foreseeable future. I never know what to do with myself as I am depressed and anxious 24/7. All I can think to do is lay down and sleep but I can’t sleep because it’s the middle of the day. It’s past 1pm and I’m still in my pajamas. I’m home alone and my parents are both at work. It’s just me and the dogs here at home. I can’t eat because I don’t want to, so I haven’t eaten yet today. Been chainsmoking cigarettes outside and afterwards just sitting in the house. I went for an interview yesterday and even though it went well I’m struggling with the idea of getting a job for fear that I won’t perform well at the job. Feeling like a complete loser because I have no friends and nothing to occupy my time. I considered going for a drive, but I don’t know where I would go. I don’t have any money. I keep on having dreams about my ex best friend coming back into my life but I know that that will never happen. My ex boyfriend even creeps into my dreams at the same time. I don’t know what to do at all. I just want to die. Honestly. Dying would be so much better than having to deal with living a purposeless existence.

[JAYnLA]

You have plenty of purpose, love! Right now it's to learn how to navigate anxiety and depression. If that's not a purpose, what is? I'd say go for a walk, cut down on the cigs and chew some gum instead. Do something with your hands - I learned to knit and I sometimes do that when I'm out of sorts. It helps.

[LateNightBookworm]

All of your words ring true to me because I've felt them so strongly before.

Your life is important, and you have a purpose, even if it is evading you right now. Your restless day sounds so familiar to me - not doing a single thing, chainsmoking, and just sitting in silence. It's a hard, dark place to break out of. But sometimes that's just the way it is - try your best to be okay with having a rough day. Or if you can find an ounce of effort, I've learned that forcing yourself to do a basic thing can help a little - a short walk, a shower or bath, etc. Forcing yourself to do something doesn't usually get you out of the mood, but it is good practise and a starting point.

And if you end up spending the rest of your day in this depressed limbo, recognize that although it's difficult, it's okay. It is not wrong or bad of you to have a bad day, and it does not make you weak. And most importantly, remember you're not alone. Your post brought me to tears because I have had so many days like yours, as I'm sure many of us have. Not every day will be as difficult as today.

I wish you all the best.

[Righteoustakeme in reply to LateNightBookworm]

Thank you. The fact that my post brought tears to your eyes means a lot to me—that someone could feel for me so strongly and not even know me. Wow. Thank you so much. And I know it’s okay to have a bad day, it’s just that, I really feel so purposeless in my endeavors. They all seem so fruitless. I managed to find the effort to get dressed, but that’s all I’ve done today besides chainsmoking and surfing this site desperate for support from others. I just can’t seem to make myself do anything. I’m not even inspired enough to make art anymore, which I used to do all the time but now I haven’t in a long while. My favorite time of the day is when I can take 2 melatonin and go to sleep. Bedtime is my favorite part of the day because it means I get to sleep, and it’s justified since it’s not during the daytime. Sigh. I’m so ready to fall off the face of the earth.

[LateNightBookworm in reply to Righteoustakeme]

The feeling of being able to speak freely and without judgement on this website is really refreshing. I suppose the distance maintained through an online platform makes it easier to be candid and honest as well. When I read your post I was just brought back to the days I've had just like yours. I still have those days. And I know there is nothing anyone can do or say to fix it, so its just nice to have support sometimes.

I know what you mean about feeling purposeless. When I do find and pursue my passions, I have a few good days or a few decent weeks, but then all my progress becomes failure when I fall back into a phase of depression. I also used to make art a lot! I love writing and drawing. I haven't done those things as much lately either - I force myself to write with journal prompts, but I haven't drawn for years. That's one thing I haven't figured out - how to transform your negative emotions into art, when the last thing you want to do is pick up a pencil. I'm sure we'll both get better at it over time.

I hope you feel a bit better today!

[explorerPHX]

This --> "Feeling like a complete loser because I have no friends and nothing to occupy my time." and this --> "purposeless existence" i can totally empathize. i have those feelings too. every day feels like a waste, like i am just wasting my time doing nothing or doing something that has no meaning or purpose. i agree with LateNightBookworm, that it is ok to not be ok, it is not wrong or bad of you to have a bad day. And of course, you are not alone.

[Voice_for_voiceless]

Hang in there pal, and just remember this feeling is only temporary. I know it can suck but people do care for you and things will get better. Just try and take each day as it comes . Hope the feeling lifts soon

[RexieSF7]

I'm so sorry that you feel so lost and alone... I read a few of your other updated posts and it sounds like you are on the "right track" with seeing your therapist and getting that job. One small step after another. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other as it is an upward journey but when you get to the top of that mountain, just think about the views you will see. Taking daily care of yourself is of the utmost importance. Do little things that bring you joy and if you don't know of anything...test things out. Little by little the grip of depression will lessen its hold on you. Its definitely not easy but you are worth it. Instead of "partying" maybe choose not to and pamper yourself with a night out to a movie and popcorn with a friend... something that is done "soberly". That tends to help your overall mood so there is not a "recovery" involved that you have to come back from. Try to stay present and speak "words of life and worth" over yourself. Self care is a daily battle, doing what is in your best interest but if you choose to take the time to invest in yourself you will find the hard work will eventually pay off....even if it doesn't feel like it for a long time, I think in time the heaviness will not feel so heavy. Praying for freedom and peace within your heart, mind and live.

[Righteoustakeme in reply to RexieSF7]

Thank you sooo much!!! This really spoke to me. ❤️ thank you for your support. It means bunches. And yes, trying to stay on the right track by going to group therapy program, one on one therapy and a psychiatrist. The program I’m in requires that you don’t use substances while in the program, so I’ll be taking a good break from partying it looks like, as well. Your support is welcomed and much appreciated. Love to you! ❤️

[RexieSF7 in reply to Righteoustakeme]

Oh good, I am so glad that you "received it" and that the words spoke to your heart! YOU.ARE.WORTH.IT. <3 Keep pressing forward and feel free to reach out!