Coparenting for a high anxiety child.

[kjsprite]

I am a single mother of 3 girls. My middle is diagnosed with high anxiety underlying depression and borderline OCD. She is 10. Having trouble getting her to go to her fathers on his visitation days. She feels he doesnt understand her and she will disappoint him. I've tried explaining to him why she feels like this but he feels that with tough love she will snap out of it. I'm looking for ideas on how to coparent without fighting so much.

[Hidden]

Have you thought about not sending her ? If it's making her ill, I wouldn't make her go

[kjsprite in reply to Hidden]

I wish I didn't have to but it's court ordered.

[Hidden in reply to kjsprite]

Can't you compromise that her dad sees her at your house, for her mental well being

[kjsprite in reply to Hidden]

He thinks this is just a temper tantrum and I'm babying her. Her step mom even told her when my child admitted to being scared to "stop that crap".

[Hidden in reply to kjsprite]

I would need to get a doctor's note and take it to the court, she has human rights, one of them is to live without fear, something visiting her father is causing her.

[weegmack in reply to Hidden]

I agree with you. The ex husband sounds like a real piece of work, as does stepmom! Their attitude is so damaging.

Kjsprite - is it possible to have some form of legality that your ex has to stick to, in order to help his child? He’s going to do her so much damage. I grew up I a household of “snap out of it” and it nearly ruined me xx

[Hidden in reply to weegmack]

My friend who is almost 30 is still traumatised by visiting dad and step mum

[weegmack in reply to Hidden]

How awful 😞.

[Chappy12]

Hi I suffer from pure o and have done since I was 8 yrs old..was never diagnosed till my 30s and am now 52..CBT saved my life although it does not seem readily available to children as such maybe because they can't grasp the concept of it..my daughter has autism and severe OCD along with tourettes .it's so hard as a parent to manage this everyday..my daughter's routines are rigid and last hours ...my partner finds it hard to deal with and I think it's because as a mum we see it more and the stigma surrounding mental health still sticks especially as far as men are concerned...it took along time for me to accept my daughter's diagnosis as we don't like to think our children as suffering...men find it harder..you cannot snap out of OCD..maybe take her dad to the drs with you..so he can explain your daughter's condition..tough love will heighten anxiety so is not appropriate .it will make her anxiety worse..people over the yrs tried to use this on me...I've never done it with my daughter..

[Chappy12 in reply to Chappy12]

And as for the step mom..she could be making it worse...you could always ask the courts to take your daughter's condition into consideration for the time being with the back up of drs..so she doesn't have to go until she feels a bit better

[kjsprite in reply to Chappy12]

She ended up having a panic attack when I tried to drop her off. My ex mother in law helped calm her down but they want me to take her back to Children's because she was banging her head on the floor, not hard tho. My daughter ended up coming home with me and I got quite the earful from my ex. I have tried countless times to tell him that her feelings and fears are real to her even if they dont make sense to us. He just wont understand and I'm exhausted from being the only one helping her and taking her to all the appointments. Thank you all for listening and understanding.

[Hidden in reply to kjsprite]

Did you and your ex have a bad split ? As in arguments, overheard by the children ?

[kjsprite in reply to Hidden]

Pretty bad but only my oldest remembers. He remarried really quick . we have 3 girls together and he had 2 more girls with his new wife. He picks and chooses when he sees them and the new wife is mostly there with my girls when he has visitation. It's very frustrating. He even tried to get my girls to call her mom. So there has been some damage

[Hidden in reply to kjsprite]

Do you curse him in front of your children, or where they me able to eavesdrop ? The reason I ask is because her panic might be because of her hearing or sensing a bad vibe. I have a friend whose mum used to curse her dad, my friends in her 40s now and severe mental health issues and it started with her dad leaving and being with another woman. Children's brains absorb everything

[kjsprite in reply to Hidden]

No. She had a bad weekend with him. She feels he gets disappointed with her and if she makes a mistake she is terrified he will be mad and yell at her. I dont know for sure if they yell at her or not. This is her fear tho and he says shes lying but its hard to believe her to manipulate right now. She is very sensitive and is very empathic. Dr said she is sensory? She cant have tags on her clothes. Socks have to be inside out because of the seams. Will only wear certain pants and shirts. They make her finish her food and she has a fear of choking on certain foods like noodles or meat. He tells her she needs to get over these fears.

[Hidden in reply to kjsprite]

Poor girl, I think he could consign an appointment with her doc, so he can understand exactly what's going on. Is sensory a condition ?

[kjsprite in reply to Hidden]

I've tried. He is always too busy. Hes made it to one counseling one Dr and only saw her twice whe. She was in the hospital for 5 days

[Hidden in reply to kjsprite]

Take him back to the court then and make it part of his visitation rights

[Hidden in reply to kjsprite]

The reason I'm asking is I have to cut my labels and put my socks on inside out, they drive me nuts otherwise, labels more so, especially at the side and neck on tops

[kjsprite in reply to Hidden]

Yes it is a condition. Yet I think it's normal to not want to be uncomfortable

[Hidden in reply to kjsprite]

Bless her, I definitely think dad needs to speak to her doc, or else if he keeps being heavy footed, she will suffer more, I hope you get it sorted

[kjsprite in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. I'm trying.

[Chappy12 in reply to Hidden]

Omg my daughter is excatly the same she was diagnosed with Asperger's and tourettes at 13

[RaisingArrowsMama]

Hi there! Sorry you are going thru this! First of all, I would recommend talking with her doctor and asking for his opinion as well as getting a note establishing your sweet girl's condition. Should you need to, the note is helpful to show to a judge and him see that the rights of the child and her wellbeing are taken seriously and not simply dismissed as it seems the father and stepmom are doing. Have you considered maybe trying to have your daughter sit with both parents, so you can all be clear of what feelings and difficulties need to be dealt with and make a decision together on how to approach and handle your daughters illness. Mental illness is so taboo and so easily dismissed by so many who do not care to understand it, or even educate themselves, but when it comes to a child it is imperative that you take it seriously and ensure all are seeking what is best to her well-being. As a christian counselor, I always recommend you seek pastoral counseling if possible, faith in God and seeking Him for answers is always helpful and can be life changing for all involved. Pray with your daughter that God will give her peace and restore her mind and soul to full health, peace and joy! I pray for you and your daughter to find true healing and find the best way to handle things with her father.