But instead of being happy about it, here i am, making a profile and joining a online community support group for Depression and Anxiety. I feel like I don't really have anyone close I can talk to about this sinking feeling that has buried itself deep in my chest for the past 10 years. I type this as i cry, wondering if anyone will remember my birthday tomorrow. More so, wondering if this is going to turn out to be my 5th year of being single.
I get uncomfortable when I talk about wanting companionship. In my experience, heartbreak just isn't taken seriously. Any mention of it gets eye rolls, shrugs or empty "I'm sorry to hear that". It immediately gets brushed off. But why can't it be seen as a serious thing when it has left me in a state of trauma for the past 8 years? It has frozen my ability to trust and allow another person into my life. As well as incapacitated me from feeling any real romantic feelings for fear of getting the carpet pulled from under me again? In the rare occasions that I have dated someone, it's been brief because i get so completely insecure that i convince myself that this person is not interested in me all because they don't reply within 2 hours or whatever. Why is my perception of relationships so messed up? In all these years, why haven't i met a single person that has reciprocated what i give?