Feeling Ashamed after Miscarriage

[Goldendoodle08]

Let me start by saying I know that it's not my fault. I didn't drink, smoke, or drink caffeine while I was pregnant. I know that I did nothing to cause the loss of my baby at ten weeks. Why do I feel so ashamed? Why do I feel like people look down on me because I had a miscarriage? I honestly think about my unborn child constantly; where I would be in my pregnancy. I'll never get to see ultrasounds, I'll never get to watch them grow up. I feel like a failure. How have other moms of loss dealt with this feeling of shame? Why are we forced to grieve alone? I tried seeing a therapist, but she wasn't helping me in the way that I needed. My miscarriage was in October, and I still feel so much pain over my loss. I would love to know how others have worked through the million feelings that come about from miscarriage.

[Jeff1943]

As you say, you know it was not your fault. King Henry the Eighth used to blame his wives for losing a child, even for 'only' having a girl rather than a boy, but we've all moved on since then.

You are allowed to grieve for your lost child, it is a very necessary process. It is a very traumatic experience, even more so for the woman, and the grieving isn't going to be over in 5 minutes. With time will come acceptance.

Don't believe for one minute anybody is looking down on you for this. That belief is just because your thinking is a little disordered after the trauma.

You are young, you can have more children, you will get to see those ultrasounds after all.

The pain will start to lessen eventually, it always does. Time heals. Then you can think of the children you will have. What sex will they be? What will they be like?

I'm sorry you went through this.

Life goes on and so will yours.

[Goldendoodle08 in reply to Jeff1943]

Thank you. I'm just taking this way harder than I thought I would. I am a history teacher and appreciate the King Henry reference. Haha I know that life will go on. I have been through major trauma before, but this was different. I don't even know how to describe it. One of the helpful things I took from my counselor was to be better about just living in the present. It made me realize I'm always looking ahead or behind, and never fully enjoy what's happening at that moment. I have told myself a million times that this won't last forever, and that there is opportunity for children in the future. It honestly doesn't make it any easier, unfortunately.

[Byelka]

You're not the only one who feels this way. There's a mental health program devoted to women who are pregnant and postpartum called Postpartum Support International. I think they would be able to help. postpartum.net/

[Goldendoodle08 in reply to Byelka]

Thank you! I will definitely look into it. I appreciate it!

[foxglove_pnw]

Sending you big hugs ❤️ You have the right to feel sad , it is a very sad time ! I am sorry you went through this ! Don’t compare yourself to other , we are all different , we all grieve differently ! Baby steps !

[Goldendoodle08 in reply to foxglove_pnw]

Thank you. My husband and I express emotion and grieve so differently from one another, and, not that he does it intentionally, he almost makes me feel bad for grieving the way that I do. There is hope of us being pregnant this month, but I have the dreaded two week wait, first. I'm trying not to think about it. So much easier said than done! Thank you for listening!

[foxglove_pnw in reply to Goldendoodle08]

My husband also deals with emotions differently than me ! It is ok to grieve !!! Your baby was a part of you and that is so hard for a man to understand ! Best of luck ❤️

[Hidden]

I'm so sorry for your loss and I know just what you're going through. I miscarried twins years ago and it was very difficult. The guilt is inevitable and I think any woman who goes through this has guilt, even when it wasn't caused by anything we did.

Dealing with the pain was a hard thing to do. There's pain with any loss and you have to go through the grieving process. Everyone handles loss and grief in their own way and in their own time. For me, the catalyst to healing was letting go of the guilt, which isn't an easy thing to do. Once I did, I was able to start moving forward and focus on the future.

Someone told me that a miscarriage is nature's way of saying something isn't right with the baby and has been taken back to be healed for the next time.

As the saying goes, time heals all wounds. This was not your fault and I hope you're able to let go of the guilt so you can start healing.

Sending thoughts and prayers.